NCIS

(When McGee is getting ready to get interrogated) Ziva: May I give you some advice? McGee: Please! Ziva: Be confident when they interrogate you. If you don't believe what you're saying, how can they? McGee: Every time I think about it, it comes out a little different. Ziva: For God's sake, don't tell that to Metro!

Ziva: You've been on hold for fifteen minutes. Must be important. Tony: Yeah. Ziva: Sperm bank? Tony: Yeah. Ziva: Why did you do it? You didn't need the money. Tony: It was easier than giving blood. Ziva: You enjoyed making those deposits. Was there a penalty for early withdraw? Tony: You're a sick chick David!

Gibbs: You have to learn to say "No". Jenny: I did Jethro... or have you forgotten?

Gibbs: Can somebody tell me what the hell is going on here? First Abby's lab nerd frames DiNozzo for murder and then McGee kills a cop. Did SOMEBODY break a mirror?!

Gibbs: (Angrily to McGee) You ever hesitate again because you second guessed yourself, I'll take your badge.

Gibbs: (to Ziva) McGee isn't your father and he isn't Ari. (pause) He doesn't know how to lie.

Ziva: I understand... I'd be embarrassed too. (Tony stares at her.) I shouldn't done it. But your phone kept on ringing this morning, and I knew this call was important, so I answered it. Tony: You... ta.. talked to the... Ziva: To the woman at the sperm bank. The director of a... (pause)... critical issues, yes. I'm sorry, Tony. Tony: Huh... She had no right to tell that no one wants my sperm! Ziva Hah! Yes! Hahaha! Tony: (shocked) You didn't talk to her... Ziva: So,um, no little DiNozzos anywhere?

Tony: If you ever Gibbs-slap me again David, I'll slap you back harder! Ziva: I was following orders!

Abby: Rule number eight is going to save you McGee! Tony: Never date a co-worker? Ziva: Never go anywhere without your knife? Tony: I thought that was nine. Gibbs: Never take anything for granted.

Abby: I thought you would be out celebrating. McGee: No. Abby: Did you come down for a hug?

(Tony knocks on McGee's door.) Tony: Haha! Open up, McGee. McGee: Tony, I'm really not in the mood. Tony: Let me in... (McGee opens the door and lets him in.) McGee: OK, you're in, what do you want? Tony: We're going out.

Abby: I think I'm ready for the next big step. Ducky: And what's that? Abby: Assisting in an autopsy. Palmer: Oh, yeah, right!

Ziva: Huh...There are little teenage DiNozzos running around somewhere? (Tony stares at her) Hah! That's frightening! Tony: I never thought about it until this morning. I got a registered letter from the sperm bank telling me to contact them as soon as possible. Ziva: Why?! Tony: I don't know!

Jen: Your eyesight's weak, not your hearing.

McGee: I'm not like you guys. You were trained as a cop, Gibbs was a Marine sniper, Kate protected the President of the United States. (pause) God only knows what Ziva did in Mossad.

Gibbs: You may know how to kiss ass, but you don't know how to protect it.

Ziva: His goose is cooked. Tony: You would get that one right.

Tony: First time I shot at someone I wet my pants.
McGee: Really?
Tony: If you tell anyone, I'll slap you silly.

Gibbs: He must've shot him from behind the wheel. DiNozzo: WRONG, BOSS! Gibbs: Slap him, Ziva. (Ziva slaps the back of Tony's head)

(to Tony, about donating organs for his kids) Ziva: You, who would not give up a Krispy Kreme donut, would give up a kidney? Tony: You wouldn't understand, you're not a parent.

Ziva: Tony, McGee stumbled across something. Misread it and overreacted... Tony: Not McGee. His brain is like a computer. It's scary. I'm sure procedures and regs warp sped through his processor before he pulls the trigger.

Tony: When the going gets tough, the tough go clubbing.

Tony: You got any party clothes McGeek? McGee: Tony. Tony: Baby, you aren't going to be scoring in any of this stuff.

Jenny: I am not a Junior Agent. Gibbs: No you're a Junior Director.

DiNozzo: (referring to McGee) We're talking about a guy who has protocols and checklists for flossing and brushing his teeth.