NCIS Season 1 Episode 3

Tony: Are you sure? I knew a granny in Baltimore hid a kilo of H in a horse's rectum.
Kate: No horse on the boat, Tony.

Tony: Well that gives you a warm fuzzy feeling doesn't it?
Dobbs: What?
Tony: Knowing Gibbs trusts us with a contaminated crime scene.

Tony: (looking at two girls sunbathing) If I only had the time.
Gibbs: What?
Tony: (quickly looking at his watch) Do you have the time?
Gibbs: Going somewhere?
Tony: Yeah, back to work.

Abby: Are we submitting to the Sundance film festival?
Tony: Yeah, Best Terrorist Film Category.

Tony: I feel like I just kissed my sister.
Abby: I didn't know you had a sister Tony.
Tony: I don't. I was fantasizing.
Abby: I need music to do that.

Tony: You do not have the right to remain silent. You do not have the right to an attorney. If you want an attorney, you won't get an appointment to see one. Do you understand these rights you don't have?

Gibbs: Dealers were found with fanny packs stuffed with wads of Franklins.
Kate: Well, I gotta see those bills.
Gibbs: Why?
Kate: I did work for the Secret Service. We tend to get all hot and bothered over large sums of hundred dollar bills.
Tony: Is that what does it for ya?
Kate: What does it for me, Tony, is a mystery that you will never solve.

FBI Director: Oh hell, why not? We're all on the same team. But, Tom, if any of our colleagues hear about this I'll pull the plug and NCIS priority will follow the Sandusky Ohio Fire Department.
Director Morrow: Understood.

Tony: What's that?
Fuller: Asset forfeiture notice.
Tony: Don't you have to find drugs first?
Fuller: I used to worry about rules like that... then I met you guys.

Fuller: I'm a federal agent. I know who and what to ask.
Gibbs: I keep forgetting you're not a dog walker.

Fuller: (pats dog) Can Tony sniff for drugs now?
Tony: Tony?
Fuller: Some coincidence, huh?
Tony: Bet he's a real stud.
Fuller: He's neutered.

(Tony tries to say something in sign language to Gibbs)
Gibbs: You should wash your hands with soap for saying that.

Kate: Looks like a heard of elephants went through here.
Gibbs: Nah, just one fat local LEO.

Ducky: The South Pacific has a number of different refreshments. I remember one... where was it? New Guinea or Timor... whatever the case, the natives had this delightfully refreshing drink. It wasn't until years later that I discovered it was made from a mixture of rum punch and water buffalo urine.

Gibbs: You get that reporter's number, or was that just talk?
Tony: Haha. Gibbs.
Gibbs: See if she's available for lunch.
Tony: Love to. Can I expense it?
Gibbs: No, but I will.
Tony: How do you sign I shoulda known?

Tony: Ahh... I heard a rumor about an ecstasy ring at Lejeune.
Gibbs: You heard a rumor?
Kate: Oh, he's been searching for a case, any case, since I came in.
Tony: All agents not working active cases are to attend a sexual harassment seminar at the NCIS Human Resources training center at 0930 hours today.
Gibbs: I cannot sit through another one of those, I will shoot myself.
Kate: You mean they actually train you guys how to harass? Hey, I'm kidding. Except for Tony.
Tony: For the last time, Kate, I was only trying to get my seatbelt on.
Kate: Right. Seatbelt.

Kate: For the 1990-96 series, Treasury introduced microprinting as a counter-measure against computer printers and copiers. Good enough to stop high school kids, but not rogue countries and a few of the world's top forgers. It's got one tiny flaw.
Gibbs: I'll be damned.
Tony: What?
Kate: You'd think a man who could find heroin in a horse's ass could find this.
Fuller: You reached into a horse's ass?
Tony: I had a glove on. United States, what's wrong with that?
Kate: Read it again.
Tony: Untied States. Ah. So the forger was dyslexic.
Kate: Not just the forger.

Kate: Oh, that's really smart, Tony.
Tony: Any guy coulda done it.
Kate: Guy? Learn to shut up when you're ahead.

Fornell: I see where you cowboys get your chutzpah.

Gibbs: Hey. Get anything from your friend?
Kate: Yep.
Gibbs: You disappoint me, Kate.
Fornell: Me too, Gibbs. I thought she knew better than to trade down. Oh. Is this yours?
Gibbs: You need to seriously rethink your definition of the word 'friend.'
Kate: If I were in Marcy's shoes I would've done the same thing.
Fornell: Careful, Agent Todd. You're running out of job options.

Marcy: Caitlin!
Kate: Glad you could make it, Marcy. I didn't go over to the dark side.
Marcy: Sorry. So how's it feel not wearing a suit?
Kate: I think a bit like mom felt when she burned her bra.

Fuller: Your bluff worked. Trujillo wants to talk. He really believed you'd ship him off to Gitmo.
Gibbs: The secret of a good bluff, Agent Fuller, is not to bluff.

Kate: Tony told me what to do.
Gibbs: Tony doesn't tell you what to do. I do.

Tony: Kinda like sex but without all the work.
Kate: Everything's like sex to you Tony.

Gibbs: Why do I feel like a high school principal?

Kate: He could be a power company doing his job (Guy opens fire at them).
Gibbs: No, I don't think so.

Kate: Thanks for waiting, guys.
Gibbs: Chain of custody, Kate. You had to stay with the boat.
Kate: I'm not stupid, Gibbs.
Gibbs: Never said you were.
Kate: I didn't have to ride in the tow truck with that boat, now did I? You do this to all the newbies, or just the females?
Tony: Do we look like sexists?
Kate: Ask me who's buried in Grant's tomb. It's a tougher question.

Tony: It's when a pilot is so fixated on a target he flys right into it.
Kate: Like you and women?

Tony: Gun fire.
Kate: Good guess Tony.

Dobbs: You shoved a French cop off a cliff?
Ducky: There was a lake below.
Gibbs: Sixty feet below.