NCIS Season 3 Episode 4

Ziva: A Marine dressed as a Civil War soldier is shot by a musket and then buried alive in a one hundred and forty year old antique iron casket. And you're telling me this isn't your strangest case? (She turns around to see Tony and McGee eating fast food)
Tony: Yep.
McGee: Pretty much.
Ziva: I don't know what I find more disturbing? Your eating habits or the fact that I believe you.
Tony: I'm sorry, do our strange American foods frighten you?
Ziva: Not at all. I was referring to your manners. You should have bought me one.

(Ziva is standing above two dead bodies, gun in her hands)
Tony: Remind me not to piss her off.
Gibbs: Oh, DiNozzo, you have no idea.

Ziva: (about Gibbs) He's a tough one to read.
Tony: You'll find most NCIS agents are like that. It's our training.
Ziva: Is that a fact?
Tony: Mm-hmm. We never let other people know what we're thinking.
Ziva: Right now you're thinking of doing page fifty seven with me.

Tony: You want something to read?
Ziva: What do you have?
Tony: G.S.M. It's a men's magazine. Most women find it objectifies them.
Ziva: (taking out a copy of the same magazine in Hebrew) I read it on the plane. I especially like the article on page fifty-seven. In my experience, it works every time.
Tony: I... I always thought that was urban legend. (Gibbs throws a crumpled-up coffee cup at Tony) Ow!

McGee: Bring back memories for you, Tony [Seeing the civil war reenactment]?
Ziva: It looks like fun.
Tony: Do you know what little Anthony DiNozzo's job was during these reenactments, Ziva?
Ziva: Little drummer boy?
Tony: No, I would carry around a bucket so this guy could take a dump in it. The called me their little poo-boy.
(Ziva and McGee start laughing.)

Gibbs: You're coming along, strictly as an observer. Hand over all your weapons.
Ziva: Is that really necessary? (Gibbs holds out his hand, waiting) Right. (pulls the gun from the holster at the small of her back and hands it to him)
Gibbs: And your backup.
Ziva: What backup?
Gibbs: Left leg.
Ziva: Oh. That one. (propping her foot on the desk, removes a revolver from an ankle holster and hands it over)
Gibbs: And the knife concealed at your waist.
(Ziva just looks at him, blinking, then pulls the knife and hands it to him, hilt first. Gibbs reverses the hilt and offers it back to her)
Gibbs: You can keep this. I just wanted you to know that I know.

Ziva (Sees Gibbs with a woman): Who's the woman with Gibbs?
Tony: Yeah, once you're here long enough you'll figure it out.
Ziva: Is that his girlfriend?
Tony: I have no idea.
Ziva: You just told me...
Tony: Well, you'll figure out there are some things you don't ask about.

Gibbs: I trust you, you know that. But when we leave this elevator...
Ziva: You start kicking my butt.
Gibbs: I don't kick butt.
(Ziva smiles and Gibbs smacks her head.)

Tony (Talking to himself at his desk): I shouldn't have come in to work today. If Gibbs sees me like this...
Ziva: He'll probably be as horrified as I am, Agent DiNozzo. Working undercover as a hobo?

Jenny: Before we get into this, I need a refill. (Gibbs flips the lid off her coffee cup and then pours some of his coffee into her cup) Well that was sweet, not necessarily sanitary.

Ziva: You know what this reminds me of McGee?
McGee: Mossad case?
Ziva: No, the Harry Potter novel.
McGee: You read those too? (Ziva looks away) Yeah me either.

(Gibbs and Jenny watching Tony and Ziva from above squad room)
Jenny: She seems to be fitting in well.
Gibbs: She almost killed my entire team yesterday.
Jenny: How?
Gibbs: Driving home from a crime scene.

Ziva: You might want to do something about your hair... it's sticking up like a porcuswine... oh, wrong words... a porcu... pig? (Tony gives her a funny look as McGee comes in) The little animal with the spiky tips!?
McGee: Porcupine?
Ziva: Porcupine! Thank you, Special Agent McGee.

Ziva: ...I feel like a donkey's butt.
McGee: Donkey's butt?
Tony: I think she meant 'Horse's Ass', McGee.
Ziva: Yes, that, too.

McGee (after getting pushed in the fountain by the thief): Gibbs is going to kill me!
Ziva: Look on the bright side, McGee!
(McGee looks at her)
Ziva: I'm clean again!

Abby: McGee, sometimes I think I love you!

Ziva: Is there somewhere I can clean up?
Gibbs: Yeah. Sure. Tonight, when you go home.
(Abby smiles scornfully at Ziva)

Gibbs: And you... keep observing.
Ziva: What exactly, Gibbs?
Gibbs: Anything, just do it quietly.
Ziva (after Gibbs went away): Now I know why he took all my weapons away.

(Gibbs checking up on progress)
Gibbs: Ziva?
Ziva: I'm wondering why I have 9 mm hole in my cap?
Gibbs: (Pause) Ventilation.
Ziva: (satisfied) Ahh...

Tony/McGee: (when Ziva drives) Ziva! Car! CAR!
Ziva: (after Tony threw up) I said was sorry!

Tony: Ziva?
Ziva: Yes?
Tony: For the first: Don't do it again! And for the second: What are you doing?
Ziva: I'm observing you Tony.
Tony: Can you do it in a less creepy manner?

Abby: I think I look like...
Tony: Career Girl Barbie!
Abby: (upset) I do.

McGee: Abby, Ziva was amazing, I mean... she's got a photographic memory.
(Abby looks offended)
McGee: What?
Abby: Why don't you two just get a room, McGee.
McGee: What... you think she likes me?
Abby: McGee, never forget... I am one of the few people in the world, who can murder you and... leave no forensic evidence.

(after McGee sees Abby changing into her normal clothes and Abby spots McGee)
Abby: See something you like, McGee?
McGee (embarrassed): No! ... I mean, yes?
Abby: Better!