NCIS Season 4 Episode 10

Tony: (quoting from McGee's book) "Maybe someday Lisa would find the courage to tell Agent Tommy about her dream - the two of them together, their bodies covered in sweat as they made love on the crystal white sands of her homeland."
Ziva: I'm going to kill him.
Gibbs: Kill who?
Ziva: McGee. Have you read this book?
Tony: Apparently McGee thinks Ziva's in love with me.
Gibbs: There's a reason they call it fiction, DiNozzo.

Gibbs: I can do you one better than that.
Fornell: Nah, you can't top that Jethro.
Gibbs: What was the toe doing in her husband's stomach?

Tony: Some days this job really sucks.
Gibbs: Yeah? Well, it's about to get worse.

Fornell: The FBI's invested 12 years in this investigation.
Jenny: And my people made more progress in just 3 days. Now I could see how that would be embarrassing.
Fornell: I'll get over it.

Fornell: Where's Gibbs?
Tony: Well, he must have known you were coming because he's not here.

Ziva: (seeing Tony being extremely happy) Are you on medication?
Tony: Just had a good night last night.
Ziva: Doing what?
Tony: The usual.
Ziva: The usual what?
Tony: Night.
Ziva: You had sex, didn't you?
Tony: What?
Ziva: It's okay to admit it. We're all adults here.
Fornell: (walking in on their conversation) That's a subject I'd be willing to debate, Officer David.

Tony: (asking Jeanne about her day) How about you?
Jeanne: Kind of like a cross between Planes, Trains, and Automobiles and The Muppets Take Manhattan.
Tony: That is a heady, heady brew of strange cinematic references, and I don't know what to make of it!

Tony: Why exactly are we letting the FBI dig for more?
Gibbs: They're doing our manual labor.

Fornell: Is there anything else I can do for you, while you're grinding the knife in?
Gibbs: I'm gonna need a sample of that hair. And copies of all your files. Few bottles of bourbon would be a nice gesture...

Ducky: Did I ever tell you about the time I shoved a French Policemen off a cliff?
Tony: There was a lake below.
Ducky: Yes. The man was all right but they still issued a warrant for my arrest. Gibbs and I managed to keep two steps ahead of them. Eventually we escaped across the English Channel in a sailboat.
Palmer: You and Agent Gibbs were fugitives?
Ducky: Yes, for a short while. Until a young, upcoming NCIS Agent had the charges dropped.
Tony: Jenny. (everyone gives him a look) I mean, Director Shepard.
Ducky: Yes, she was the one who commandeered the boat.
McGee: Director Shepard stole a boat!?!?
Ducky: She wasn't the Director of NCIS at the time, McGee!

Fornell: I was on the team that nailed Bundy, Gibbs, and I'm familiar with sick, charming bastards.
Gibbs: That's probably why we get along so well.

Tony: (to Agent Sacks) Do you mind? Your breath is taking the starch out of my shirt.

Construction Man: Alright, anyone who doesn't want to make an ash of themselves back up!

Ziva: What would you do.. if one day you woke up and realised you were married to a monster?
Tony: Happened to my father all the time... we usually just moved.
Ziva: Hah! That explains it!

Abby: Wow! My mom always told me that big things come in small packages.
Marty: What a coincidence - mine always warned me about tattoed girls bearing... samples.
Abby: I'm talking about your lab! I love it!
Marty: Yeah? Pretty sweet, huh?
Abby: Sweet? I'd kill for half this equipment!
Marty: (grinning) Really. What would you do for all of it?

McGee: Marty. Who is he?
Abby: He's... just a friend.
McGee: (reads off Marty's card) Being with you, makes me believe size truly doesn't matter, Abby.
Abby: Okay... he's a really good, friend.

Gibbs: Running a little late today, Tobias? (smiles)
Fornell: You're enjoying this, aren't you?
Gibbs: Oh, only slightly more than a lot.

Jenny: (to Fornell about the Justice papers) Who'd you have to sleep with to get these?!

Gibbs: You know how I feel about apologies right?
Ducky: Yeah, they're a sign of weakness.
Gibbs: Not between friends. I'm sorry, Ducky, I should have told you.

Ducky: (referring to Autopsy) It won't be lonely in the Mallard Inn tonight!

Tony: Our serial killer spent the last five years getting smoked and tenderised in the high school chimney.... only to fall out in the installation of the new furnace!

Gibbs: A loving husband, murdering and eating women that look like his wife... it'll probably be McGee's next best seller!

Gibbs: You snooze you lose DiNozzo!

Tony: (referring to Agent Sacks) Why is the spawn of the FBI sitting at my desk?!

Abby: Gibbs Gibbs Gibbs Gibbs!! I did it!
McGee: I? You mean we!
Abby: There is no "we" in "McGee."

McGee: Deep Six is a work of pure fiction!
Abby: You described everything in my bedroom!
McGee: Not everything. You still have those... (computer beeps)
Abby: Fantasize later, Hemingway.

Tony: (to Ziva) What's your crazy Ninja sense telling ya?

Ziva: You got to cut the man some slacks.
Tony: I agree. Except the term is slack.

McGee: How many times do I have to tell you that it's not real.
Ziva: I'm driving.

Ducky: Since your return I've been acting like...
Gibbs: An ass...
Ducky: Yeah, something like that.
Gibbs: I didn't notice.

Gibbs: I've got to show you something first.
Fornell: You got that mustache in a box, don'tcha?

Gibbs: McGee, less talk more of the computer chip doo-da.
McGee: Making with the doo-da boss!
Fornell: Doo-da?
Gibbs: Yeah, it's a technical term Tobias... you wouldn't understand.

Tony: Two hours. Gibbs is gonna murder me.

Tony: You're behind me again, aren't you.
Ziva: Lucky guess. You know, I think McGee's right...
Tony: He was, was he?
Ziva: It takes almost all of my willpower to resist the urges I have when I'm around you, Tony. Maybe, it's about time I just...give in, yes?
Tony: And by give in you mean...
Ziva: Letting loose. Doing what comes naturally to me.
Tony: Hmm hmm. Yeah, I thought I was picking up that vibe the first time we went undercover together.
Ziva: You were? In fact, I almost did it the first night in the hotel room.
Tony: Hmm. Really?
Ziva: But my father wouldn't approve.
Tony: Because I'm not Jewish.
Ziva: Because he gets very angry when I kill a co-worker!
Tony: Like I believed you for even a second.
Ziva: I'm sure you didn't. (slaps Tony)
Gibbs: You two done playing grabass?
Ziva: Oh, he started it.
Gibbs: I'm ending it. (grabs Tony's copy of Deep Six) Next person who mentions this book will be deep-sixed by me!

Tony: (reading from McGee's book) Stakeouts - long endless hours fueled by cheap food and even cheaper coffee.

Jimmy: I read your book. And for your information I've never had sexual relations with a corpse!
McGee: That character was not based on you...
Jimmy: His name was Pimmy Jalmer, McGee!

(McGee walks in, a little banged up after Ziva's driving)
Gibbs: What happened to you?
McGee: Ah... creative differences with my co-workers, boss.

Construction Worker: Reminds me of that urban legend.
Gibbs: Which ones that?
Construction Worker: Guy dresses up as Santa, ya know... for Christmas eve to surprise his girlfriend... but he never shows, she's convinced that the bastard dumped her, bad mouths him all over town...
Ducky: Until they find the poor soul's body months later... still clutching the little box, with her shiny new engagement ring. And the moral of course is...
Gibbs: Never a good idea to get married!

McGee: For the last time, Deep Six is fiction.
Ziva: Fiction based on us?!

McGee: It is all fiction. Didn't you read the disclaimer in the beginning?
Tony: You buying this... Lisa?

Tony: Shutting up, boss.