NCIS Season 1 Episode 21

(Abby is making a fake ID for Gibbs)
Gibbs: Abs, leave a few gaps, don't make it so neat.
Abby: Please Gibbs, I've been making fake IDs since I was 15.

Tony: He said you could use his computer?
McGee: Uh huh.
Tony: Really? You know, when mine fried, he wouldn't let me touch his.
Gibbs: 'Cause your fingers are always greasy from fried chicken and pizza.

Kate: McGee, I can't worry about your ass right now, okay?

Abby: Don't be silly, ATF lady.

Tony: You weren't going to let her shoot me were you?
Gibbs: Nah.
Tony: You had a plan, right?
Gibbs: (unconvincingly) Yeah.

(Abby developing an undercover ID for Tony)
Tony: How about some time in Leavenworth?
Abby: What's the crime?
Tony: Something that fits my persona.
Abby: How about violation of federal obscenity laws?
Tony: That's funny.

S Sgt. Washington: (to two Marines in boxing ring) Alright, if you two are going to dance, join the Air Force!

Gibbs: Yeah, but?
Ducky: Why should you think there's a but?
Gibbs: With you there always is.
Ducky: Yes, that's right, isn't it? Well as they say in the high country markets of Sri Lanka, there's more than one way to skin a mongoose. Actually, there are three...
Gibbs: Ducky!

(Tony is trying to convince Gibbs to let him go undercover)
Tony: Complete and total sleaze. Pure pawn-shop material. And let's face it, I'm a more believable scumbag than you.
Kate: (raises her hand) No argument here.
Tony: Me disheveled, you high and tight, me flaky, you solid citizen.

Tony: How old am I?
Kate: Based on chronology or maturity?

(Following Tony's explanation to Kate of explosives that could cause the crater they are standing next to)
Kate (to Tony): Wow, you really do keep something besides comic books in your bathroom.
Tony: Hard to believe, huh?
Kate: Impressive.
Tony: Thanks a lot.
Kate: I mean about the crater.

Militia leader: (to Gibbs, who he shot shortly beforehand) Time for NCIS to stop laying down on the job.

Tony: Who said our terrorist was British?
Gibbs: Ducky. Said his syntax suggested higher education in the British Isles.
Tony: Well, maybe he just grew up watching tons of Cary Grant movies.

Gibbs: Looks like a serial number.
Abby: It's part of one.
Gibbs: The good part?
Abby: You can't go straight for dessert, Gibbs. You have to eat your peas first.
Gibbs: I hate peas.

Tony: McGee! Are you nuts?
McGee: What?
Tony: You're at Gibbs' desk using his computer, that's like touching...the Ark of the Covenant.
(a few minutes later)
Gibbs(pats McGee): Good job, McGee!
Tony: He got a pat on his back, I get a smack on my head.

Gibbs: You guys have a website? A lot of these militia groups have websites. All kinds of links to buy merchandise. You can buy coffee cups, sweatshirts, caps...one of 'em even has a militia babe calendar. It's amazing.
Militia Leader: (pointing a gun at Gibbs' head) Only calendar we have is the one that marks the days until the US government takes away our last constitutional freedom. When that day comes, and some federal cops puts a Glock to your head 'cause he doesn't like your jokes - think about us.
Gibbs: Thinking about you now.

Ducky: Abby. I'm surprised. I had you pegged for more the anarchist type.
Abby: Actually, I used to be an anarchist.
Ducky: What happened?
Abby: Too many rules.

Gibbs: So we have nothing.
Abby: Actually, no. When you write data onto a hard drive, it's triggered electronically and magnetically onto a hard drive plate.
Tony: What would that mean as something Kate would understand?
Abby: That even though the drive was reformatted, all the information that was contained is still here. It's just a matter of Humpty Dumptying it.
Tony: I thought they couldn't put Humpty Dumpty back together again.
Kate: That's because the king only had horses and men.

Tony: Staff Sergeant Grimm could've used a little help from the boys on Queer Eye.
Kate: I doubt that rug would've made the cut.
Tony: Actually this was the only thing I kinda liked.
Kate: I'll add that to the list of reasons I never want to see your apartment.

Tony: I really liked her.
Kate: ATF agent involved in illegal weapons and murder. What's not to like?
Tony: So quick to judge, Kate. Sure, she has flaws, sure she's going to prison, but my instincts tell me she has good qualities as well.
Kate: Two of them wouldn't happen to live under her shirt, would they?
Tony: You're not gonna believe this, but, ah, when it comes to women? I actually look for more complex things under the surface.
Kate: Really?
Tony: Really.
Kate: Like when you were tonguing that he/she a week ago? Lots of complex issues under that surface.
Tony: I gotta go.

Kate: Staff Sergeant Rafael's holding out, I can feel it in my gut.
Gibbs: Guts are good.
Kate: He's having a little time out in the interrogation room, so when you're ready I'll go over all my notes with you.
Gibbs: I gotta work up an ID with Abby. I'm afraid Staff Sergeant Rafael is all yours.
Kate: You always do the interrogations, Gibbs!
Gibbs: Not this one.

Tony: I like a girl with spunk.
Stone: That right?
Tony: The first girl I ever kissed, kicked me right in the...
Stone: Way above the shins?
Tony: Painfully above.
Stone: Hm. I hope you learned your lesson.
Tony: I did. Next time, I waited till after she swallowed her gummy bear.