NCIS Season 3 Episode 5

Ziva: I should warn you, I'm not very good with women.
Gibbs: Well that makes two things you're not very good at today.
Ziva: And the first?
Gibbs: Being on time.

Tony: That's original, McGee, any part of your brain that's your own?
McGee: Well, at least I have one, Tony.
Tony: What's that supposed to mean?
McGee: Nothing.

Tony (About John): Look at the guy he's such a...
Ziva: Pimp.
Tony and McGee: Wimp.

Gibbs: McGee?!
McGee: Yo!
Gibbs: Sketch, get close enough without breaking your neck.
McGee: On it!
Gibbs: Dinozzo, photos! (pauses) Is there a problem?
Tony: Well, you didn't say anything about my neck. (Gibbs stares Tony down) Uh... I'll be careful.

(Gibbs and Ziva are in the elevator of NCIS HQ.)
Ziva: You just hung up on Director Shepard.
Gibbs: Uh huh...
Ziva: In my country, The officer-in-charges is always...
(Gibbs stopped the elevator.)
Gibbs: In my country, in my team, working my cases, my people, don't by-pass chain of command.
Ziva: Which is...??
Gibbs: Me. We clear on that, Officer David?
Ziva: Crystal... Agent Gibbs.
(Gibbs turned the switch on for the elevator. Then Ziva stopped it again.)
Ziva: Except she called me. What would you have me do?
Gibbs: Smile. Talk about the weather. Tell her to call me.
Ziva: And if that doesn't work?
Gibbs: You are a smart girl. Think of something.
(Gibbs turned switch on. Then Ziva stopped it again. Second time.)
Ziva: I am merely trying to do my job.
Gibbs: Your job is to follow my instructions.
Ziva: And I respect that. Is it to much to ask for some in return?
(They looked each other. Gibbs turned the elevator on.)
Gibbs: No, it is not.
Ziva: So... That's it?
Gibbs: Mm hmm...
Ziva: Don't even get a slap on the head?
Gibbs: Don't push it.
Ziva: Just to be clear, are there any more of those rules I should be aware of?
Gibbs: About fifty of them.
Ziva: And I don't suppose they are written anywhere that I can...
Gibbs: No.
Ziva: Then how am I supposed to...
Gibbs: My job is to teach them to you.

Ziva: Hinky? What's hinky?
Tony: You know, like when your gut is telling you something.
Ziva: I see. In my country we refer to that as gas.

Ziva: Once he saw us at Norfolk, he must have taken a kite.
Tony: Hike. The expression is taking a hike.
McGee: I think she may have had it confused with go fly a kite.
Ziva: I speak five languages, forgive me if I get confused... Sometimes. I found his bankbook.
Tony: Checkbook.
Ziva: Whatever you call it.

Ziva: I'll drive, Tony.
Tony: No, no, no. Not gonna make that mistake again.
Ziva: Did you really think my driving was that terrible? Aside from the high speed and near misses?
Tony: Let's just say it's an acquired taste. Like regurgitated lunch.

Ziva: All of these people are in the military?
Tony: Yeah, the uniforms are kind of a dead giveaway.

McGee: (when the crime scene is down a steep hill) Well, as you've pointed out many times, I'm...I'm just a junior field agent.
Tony: All the more reason you need the experience, Probie.
McGee: How about I follow in your footsteps as you lead the way?
Tony: How about you kiss my experienced buttocks?

Gibbs: I'd hate to start slapping you like I do to DiNozzo.
Abby: You wouldn't. (Gibbs gives her a stern look) You would?
Gibbs: And it won't be on the head.

McGee: I read on a Snapple cap that the most popular name for pets is Max.
Tony: I thought it was Tim.

Tony: He works in a supply office, who's he gonna asassinate, Mr. Clean?

Tony: We're not going anywhere.
McGee: What, until I apologize?
Tony: No, not until you apologize. (gets out of the car) We're in the wrong damn car.

Tony: If it's any consolation, Probie, I had my identity stolen once.
McGee: Really?
Tony: They charged my Visa for a vintage Barbie Doll,...Career Girl outfit.
McGee: Ooo, with the matching briefcase and pumps?
(Tony looks at Mcgee in disgust)
McGee: Oh...well...um-uh...I,...I had a,...a girlfriend who collected once. We used to line them up on...
Tony: I lost respect for you at the word pumps.

(looking at the steep ravine and then at Palmer's loafers)
Ducky: I hope you brought more appropriate footwear, Mr. Palmer. The journey to our Petty Officer looks rather challenging.
Palmer: Don't worry, Doctor. I have a merit badge in hiking.
Ducky: I have a driver's license, Mr. Palmer. It doesn't mean I turn up at Indianapolis in my Morgan.
(Then next scene Palmer is seen hurtling uncontrollably down the ravine)

(about Gibbs)
Ziva: Takes awhile for him to warm up to people, doesn't it.
Tony: Do you want to know the secret to getting on his good side?
Ziva: Yes.
Tony: Me too.