Season 5 Episode 9


Aired Tuesday 8:30 PM Dec 09, 1998 on NBC



  • Trivia

    • To explain the recurrence of her accent, Lisa tells Max that she grew up in Hyde Park, just outside of Boston, which is actually where Maura Tierney was raised.

  • Quotes

    • Max: Hey, how's that speech comin'?
      Dave: Get lost Max.
      Max: No, listen I have some wonderful advice for the kids.
      Dave: What is it? Give up? Life sucks? Get cancer early and often?

    • Beth: Here's my problem. I don't have carpal tunnel syndrome. There's nothing wrong with my hands. I made it up.
      Joe: That's stupid.
      Beth: If you could act a little more like a girl.
      Joe: No. Effeminate man's my limit.
      Beth: Okay fine let's go with that.
      Joe: Honey, why'd you do such a silly thing as that?

    • Matthew: Does your mother talk like that all the time?
      Lisa: What?
      Matthew: You know, ugly, like the way you're talking. Does she do that ugly talk all the time?
      Lisa: Can we not bring my muthah into this, please?
      Matthew: No, no I'm not. I'm just thinking, what if your mom talked like that? You must be embarrassed every time she opens her mouth.
      Lisa: Matthew, I have a wicked shoht fuse today, okay?
      Matthew: No no no, I was just thinking I guess I'm lucky because everyone in my family talks like normal people. I guess we can't all be that lucky though, right?
      Lisa: Okay, yes, my muthah talks like this, and so does my fathah and so do all my bruthahs. And guess what, they're tons smahtah than you.
      Matthew: I'm sorry, I didn't understand a word. Could you repeat?
      Lisa: Matthew. Do you like apples?
      Matthew: Sure.
      Lisa: (knocks bag of popcorn out of Matthew's hands) You spilled your popcorn. How do you like them apples?

    • Matthew: Popcorn, I see. Good choice.
      Dave: Thank you.
      Matthew: So how's that ol' speechwriting coming along, huh?
      Dave: Swimmingly. Couldn't be better. Don't need any advice. Thank you. Good bye.
      Matthew: Are you sure 'cause I think I do have some advice for the wee ones.
      Dave: Please, no.
      Matthew: Why not?
      Dave: Why not? Because so far today your cohorts have convinced me to tell the kids to fit in, give up, aim low, and never ever follow your heart.
      Matthew: That's the exact opposite of what I was gonna tell them.
      Dave: Oh yeah?
      Matthew: Yeah, I was gonna tell them to aim high. You know, keep trying! Dare to be different, and just do whatever it takes to make your dreams a reality!
      Dave: Well, yeah. Those aren't such bad rules to try to live your life by, are they?
      Matthew: No sir. What do you think got me where I am today?
      Dave: Oh I should have known.

    • Dave: So you're in the seventh grade, right?
      Beth: And my parents decide I should go to a private school. So I got the whole uniform. You know, the plaid skirt and the white tights. so I show up at school on the first day and I'm the only person wearing a uniform. Turns out this particular school does not require uniforms, so everyone's laughing at me.
      Dave: Oh god, please stop.
      Beth: And I just wanted to cry, you know. But I didn't, I just went right along with them and laughed like it was some big joke, you know. And then the next day I wore the uniform, and that became my "thing". "The girl who wears the wacky outfits". Ha ha ha!
      Dave: Which you continue to do to this day.
      Beth: Yes Dave, because once you start you can't stop, or people will think you're chickening out. Of course, then nineteen years go by and you're a full grown woman who dresses like a... Oh my god I don't even know what the hell I'm supposed to look like anymore. I mean, you know?
      Dave: Thanks, that was uplifting.
      Beth: Tell the kids, Dave. Conform. Don't stick out. Fit in. Go along with the crowd, okay. No one should have to end up like this, Dave.

    • Jimmy: Let me tell you what you tell the little snots. You tell them this right here. You follow your head. You follow your head because if you heart starts talking, you just make your head tell it to shut the hell up!

    • Dave: Do you have any advice for the leaders of tomorrow?
      Jimmy: Yeah, always wear a condom. And if you're too embarrassed to buy 'em at the drug store just shoplift 'em. It's easy!

    • Joe: If I had a college diploma, do you think I'd be here right now? No! I'd be in Area 51 with the big boys! I wouldn't be here, I'd be back engineering alien technology. I wouldn't be wasting my homemade duct tape on coffee machines and toasters. Whatever, dude. Have fun with your little speech.
      Dave: Joe.
      Joe: Good day, sir.
      Dave: Come on, Joe.
      Joe: I said good day sir!

  • Notes

  • Allusions

    • Lisa: How about them apples?

      Lisa quotes the 1997 movie Good Will Hunting. The Academy Award winning film was set in Boston and featured a multitude of characters speaking in the distinctive Boston accent.