Night Court

Harry: What do you say to somebody that wants to kill you? (There's a knock on the door) Lana: Come in. Harry: That would not have been my first choice.

Lana: Harry, You Honor, I've got great news. Harry: I could use some. What is it? Lana: Well down in the parking lot just now there was a guy under the hood of your car, messing around with the wiring. Harry: Say, that is good news. Lana: No. The great part is that the police caught him. And he's the same guy who's been threatening you. Harry: How do they know? Lana: Well apparently he had another note in his pocket that matched the death threat.

Liz: (holding the death threat rock) A person would have to be seriously deranged to actually do this stuff? Dan: Know anyone like that in Manhattan?

God: I shall see what their end shall be. I will spend my arrows upon them. I will set on fire the foundations of their mountains. Selma: You do, and you'll answer to me.

Harry: Who have we got here? Dan: You tell him. (nudges his client) God: I am known by many names. Liz: Pick one and tell it to the judge. God: I've been called the Final Cause, the Supreme Judge, the Infinite Spirit but you can just call me God. Harry: (to Lana) You've been saving this one for me, haven't you? (Lana nods) God: I chose to manifest myself in this form because I didn't want me presence to be noticed. Dan: Good choice. Harry: To what do we owe this visit? God: The ways of the Lord surpass thine understanding. Unto mankind, my ways are wondrous strange. Harry: I give. How strange? Dan:He trashed a diner. Harry: Any particular reason? Dan: Your Honor, the defendant went into Blumberg's Coffee Shop and there he said unto Blumberg: "Give me an egg salad sandwich for though I have no cash you and all your descendants will be blessed." God: It's better when I do it. Dan: Blumberg was unimpressed and told him to leave. And then he told Blumberg to be fruitful and multiply. But not in those words.

Harry: Oh come on, when's the last time you did something crazy? Lana: I don't know. I don't remember. Harry: Oh come on. Lana: Well. (laughs) There was this one time about a month ago. You know, I was home, and I was feeling a little silly. And I decided to try on my old Girl Scout uniform. Anyway, I did, and Emerson came over, and he saw me…and he liked it, and he…. (looks at Harry) I'd rather not talk about it. Harry: Let me guess. He bought the cookies.

Shoeshine Boy: That's it. Dan: How much? Shoeshine Boy: A buck. Dan: You're kidding. Shoeshine Boy: Each. Dan: What?! I've never paid more than 75 cents for a shine. Shoeshine Boy: Don't blame me mister. The whole industry's been deregulated. Dan: Ah would you look at that, all I've got is a hundred. I'll have to get some change. Listen you catch me later, okay. Shoeshine Boy: But…! Dan: Shhh, court's in session.

God: Some people I give wisdom. Some people I give talent. Pia Zadora I gave nothing.

God: Everything pleases me... except John Denver.

God: You know, if it weren't for Eve, there'd be no reason for you to wear any clothes. Selma: She did it so we could get some work done. God:Tell me, do you worship regularly? Selma: Honey, at my age, I don't do anything regularly.