Theodora (to Harlem): "You poor fool. Why did you have to fall in love with me?"
Ending a season that's virtually bled into three years was going to be a difficult task, especially when the season in question has spawned a suitable amount of dire episodes in its wake.
However Nip/Tuck at least likes to try and overcome the seemingly impossible by delivering a suitably decent ender to an incredibly disjointed season. The main themes of love, mortality and death also played their respective roles.
I've still not been sold on Christian and Liz walking down the aisle but after failed attempts with both Kimber and Michelle, it seemed that Christian might actually have succeeded in becoming a married man. Now I guess it's time to place bets as to how quickly he and Liz will implode.
I know I sound sceptical but come on; it's a little hard not to be. They might love each other but it's platonic and while Liz wants to take care of Christian and be a good mother to Wilbur (how cute was that little scene when he asked if he could call Liz "mommy"?), she could have done all of this without taking a trip down the aisle.
Hell, even Kimber of all people was able to point out that basic fact and Kimber's a moron after all. Yes, I'm surprised it took so long for her to realise that both Christian's cancer came back and that he was going to marry Liz, both of which shocked and disgusted her.
Of course the timing for Kimber to learn these little facts was also perfect. In a plot that will surprise nor interest anyone, Ram finally got bored of Kimber and gave her the heave-ho. We can also thank the unwelcome presence of Eden for Kimber being dumped by the sleazy porn master.
During that brief little scene at the start of the episode, I found myself amused. In my opinion while John Schneider looks pretty good for his age, Ram is definitely not the kind of man worth fighting over and given that Kimber and Eden are so thoroughly dislikeable in equal measure, I couldn't sympathise with either one of them.
However I did get a laugh out of both of them trying to outdo each other on the insults and while Eden might be smirking now, I don't doubt that Ram will also get rid of her when he gets bored. Kimber's attempts to maintain her dignity however were hilariously bad. This whole episode was an exercise in laughing at Kimber.
I laughed at her when she assumed that Matt was high because he told her about Christian and Liz. Granted I also laughed at Matt for being stupid enough into thinking that Kimber would get back with him just because Ram dumped. Doesn't Matt know that Kimber's a user and if not, why not? Even he can't be that brain dead.
The biggest laugh however was her pathetic attempts to undermine Liz. Liz is the kind of woman who could eat idiots like Kimber for breakfast and she was certainly happy to let Kimber know the score. I absolutely adored Liz for letting Kimber know that she wouldn't allow her to sink her fangs into Christian.
Kimber didn't want to marry Christian because she loves him –she just wanted security after Ram threw her out. Also more to the point, never mind the fear that she wouldn't be able to hack looking after Christian when he became more ill, I'd be more worried about Wilbur. If she can treat Jenna so appallingly, then that poor boy would definitely be screwed if he had to call her mommy.
At the church itself I was expecting Kimber to make a massive scene. When she was unable to actually object vocally, I was glad that Matt told her to sit down. I was even gladder when she actually left. However Christian's lengthy staring at her spoke volumes and not particularly good ones.
That led back to him and Liz's marriage. The motive behind this marriage involved Christian's cancer. It was because of this cancer that Christian even entertained the idea of cryogenics until the idea of having a roommate put him right off. Now that he knows that he doesn't have cancer, what does happen next?
Mix ups with lab results are hardly uncommon and most viewers had guessed that this would be the outcome. I'm glad that Christian doesn't have cancer but I'll be a lot more content if the writers have the sense to break him and Liz up on good terms. I don't want to see animosity between the two, especially given how wonderful Liz has been to both him and Wilbur.
Christian's fears of dying did generate some great scenes, especially with Sean. It was hard not to feel touched when Sean told Christian that his legacy will live on through stories. At least Sean will be relieved to know that his best friend isn't dying and he's going to need that.
Three reviews back, I had two requests for Teddy. While she and Christian haven't had any sexual contact, it is disappointing to learn that she's more than unhinged. Depending on gas to get off is one thing. Marrying another surgery and then killing him however is a lot more worrying.
It's a shame the writers have had to go there because Katee Sackhoff has been so brilliant in this role and there some parts of the episode where you do want to root for Teddy and Sean. Hell, I even found myself feeling sorry for her when Sean was insensitive at first about her 'aunt's' death.
Unfortunately all of those have now evaporated because the main worry is when exactly Teddy might kill Sean. If she could off Harlem, then there's no doubt that Sean's next, unless she's got other people in the pecking order to get through with first. In other words, Sean better not start developing a curiosity for wanting to use gas during sex with Teddy.
Also in "Giselle Blaylock And Legend Chandler"
Our main patients were a couple, who were vampires and had become addicted to drinking each others blood. Christian even gave them a blood pack at one point.
Legend (to Sean/Christian): "As plastic surgeons you can relate. The chasing of immortality is something you make a killing off."
Loved Teddy's donning of the red wig and Southern drawl. She went by the name of Dixie while she was working with Harlem.
Eden (re Ram): "He's all nervous about hurting your feelings but me, I don't have that problem. You're a relic and we want you out of our bed."
Kimber: "Shut up you stupid skank."
Legend: "You're cool. Most people get off on judging us."
Christian: "Live and let live."
Giselle: "Emphasis on live. You only go round once."
I liked the continuity of Eden mentioning her horse riding, though some kind of mention of Olivia wouldn't have gone amiss.
Christian: "Do you have any better suggestions on how I should spend my money."
Matt: "I don't know; leave it to the people who are still alive?"
Theodora: "My aunt died."
Sean: "Did your cell phone die with her?"
Next season the role of Teddy will be played by Charmed actress Rose McGowan. It'll be interesting to see what she brings to the role.
Theodora (to Sean): "My aunt had such a great sense of humour. She accepted that no man was ever gonna be there so she decided that she was gonna be there for herself and that being alone didn't mean being lonely or miserable and that no man was ever gonna hurt her or take away her spirit again."
Theodora: "There's no peer pressure, Sean. You don't have to prove anything. I know who you are and I accept that just like I hope you accept me."
I can't help but think that when Teddy was talking about her aunt to Sean, she was deliberately referring to herself. It could also be her warped motive for killing Harlem as well.
Liz: "You don't want Christian. You want the warm embrace of his wallet. Are you so vapid, are you so unable to make it on your own that you have to sink your fangs into a dying man? Well I am not gonna let you suck one more drop of blood from him."
Kimber: "This isn't over, butch."
Liz: "Oh, if you come near me or my fiancé, I'm gonna show you just how butch I can get."
Christian: "I don't even like having you as a roommate. What the hell was I thinking?"
Sean: "You're scared. You're reaching out for some phantom hand to keep you from falling into the abyss. It's normal. It's just not going to make a difference."
This was the first finale not to be written or directed by series creator Ryan Murphy. I wonder how many episodes he'll scribe for the last season. Also, there was no Julia in this episode as well.
Giselle (re the blood packs): "We couldn't help ourselves."
Christian: "On the contrary. You helped yourselves and then some."
Sean: "You invited Kimber?"
Christian: "She didn't need an invitation. It's a church; they welcome everybody, especially whores. It's big in the bible."
Standout music: It had to be Kanye West's "Flashing Lights", given that it was used to heavily promote the latter half of this season.
For a finale, this was excellent. "Giselle Blaylock And Legend Chandler" might have the daft cryogenic and vampire subplots but overall, it was a satisfying way of ending a very disappointing fifth season.