Season 5 Episode 12

Lulu Grandiron

Aired Wednesday 10:00 PM Feb 05, 2008 on FX

Episode Recap

Sean's two talent representatives (his publicist, Bliss, and his agent, Colleen) try to one-up each other with new gigs for Sean. Respectively, they've gotten him jobs as a judge for the Miss Teen USA pageant and as a spokesperson for Sizzler. Sean doesn't like either pitch. Then, Christian enters and asks Colleen if she's found him a show that's seeking a medical advisor/actor, like Sean's role on "Hearts and Scalpels." She breaks the harsh news that Christian's acting is no good.

In the face of rejection, Christian goes into a consult with Lulu Grandiron, a middle-aged woman looking for a new go-to surgeon for her and her society-type friends. She invites him to a black-tie dinner that Saturday. Christian scoffs at the offer and says he has no interest in being picked over by bitter divorcees. Lulu corrects him, explaining that she and her friends are empowered by their status as the savvy ladies who took all the money from those rich "nerd boys" in Hollywood. Christian is left perplexed, staring at the invitation: a picture of an Egyptian cat.

After the opening titles, Sean and Christian consult with Kimber and Eden, who have teamed up for girl-on-girl pornography. Eden removes her sunglasses to reveal a horrific black eye, the result of a violent orgasm during the arty film, "Inside Kimber Henry." Eden was playing a younger, virginal Kimber, but in the throes of passion, demanded that Kimber hit her. Kimber obliged, and says it was "brilliant." Christian refuses to do the surgery immediately, but Kimber explains they didn't want him anyway. They want Sean, since Sean is a celebrity and Christian is a nobody.

Sean agrees to the surgery and suggests to Eden, who lies on the operating table, that maybe she should reconsider her life choices. She completely agrees with Sean, but unfortunately she's contractually obligated to Ram, the porn producer. Eden pleads for Sean's help, but all he can do, he says, is repair her eye… and he gives her a gentle kiss on the forehead.

Christian attends the black-tie dinner and meets Lulu Grandiron's friends. They each have had many husbands and even more cosmetic surgeries. At the dinner table, the other potential surgeons try to impress the crowd with Ivy League credentials… when Christian coolly cuts to the chase, whipping out his member and laying it out on the good china for everyone to see. He calls this dinner a "pissing contest" and challenges the other docs to "trump his ace of clubs." A big penis means confidence, and that, along with steady hands, is what makes a good surgeon. The contest is clearly over.

In the recovery room, Eden is disgusted by her next porn script, which Kimber has written. A rivalry quickly heats up between the girls. Kimber declares that she's the only real star, and Eden responds that "youth sells porn, not nostalgia." Sean enters and demands that Kimber and Ram leave… but when Ram asks when Eden will be "camera-ready," the two men quietly confer in the hallway. Ram agrees to letting Eden out of her contract at Sean's request, only if Sean performs complimentary surgeries on Ram's profitable, yet sagging, geriatric porn stars. Sean agrees.

A montage depicts Christian having sex with the Hollywood "first wives club," during which he recommends surgical procedures to the ladies. His suggestions are like aphrodisiacs to them. Christian, however, laments to Lulu that this "assembly line of middle aged tits and ass" is not the glamorous work he expected. She agrees and says he needs to do a surgery that distinguishes him as a doctor and as an artist. She offers her body to him as a blank canvas, likening Christian to a modern-day Michelangelo. She asks that he make her face reflect the "sacred feline essence within." She doesn't want to look like a cat, per se (as that would be insane), but rather have her feline characteristics accentuated, citing the ancient Egyptian belief that cats are endowed with a powerful radiance. Christian performs the radical surgery on Lulu Grandiron, while referencing photos of wild cats. Liz and Nurse Linda think he's crazy and barbaric, so they walk out.

Sean visits Eden in recovery and presents her with her porn contract, which he tells her to tear up. Sean does not reveal his deal with Ram, but rather tells Eden that he "spoke with Ram." Eden takes this as a sign of their love, but Sean gingerly assures Eden that the type of love she wants would never work out between them. Sean's agent, Colleen, looks on quietly from the doorway.

Later, Colleen brings Eden a customized "Eden Bear" with golden locks. Even though they don't know each other, Colleen brushes away Eden's adolescent insults and tries to level with her. Colleen tells her that Sean doesn't love her, but rather enjoys passing around her youthful body with TV star Aidan Stone and other men. Eden is visibly hurt by the news.

Excited about his new "artistic" outlook on his profession, Christian unveils Lulu's new feline face. Lulu's friends drop their champagne flutes at the horrendous sight. They inform Christian that Lulu is bipolar and can't believe that he would perform such an outrageous surgery without question. They threaten to ruin Christian's career if he doesn't fix what he's done. On the other hand, Lulu "worships" her new look and begins meowing.

Sean is phoned by Bliss, who tells him to meet her at the Hollywood & Highland shopping center immediately. There, Bliss leads Sean to a kiosk of teddy bears, which is being run by none other than Colleen Rose. Bliss outs Colleen as a phony agent, and Sean yells that Colleen should stay out of his life altogether. Colleen's lies far outweigh any hard work she may have done for Sean. She's practically in tears when Sean and Bliss storm off.

In bed, Ram embraces an unhappy Kimber, complimenting her on how hot she is while still understanding the "rewards and pressures" of his business. He then rolls over, revealing that Eden is also in the bed. He kisses her and welcomes her to the family. Eden looks off into space, contemplating her fate.

Sean and Christian repair Lulu's face. When Sean tells Christian to do a of background check next time an outrageous request is made, Christian reminds Sean that the same advice should be followed when hiring an agent.

That night, Sean enters his home and follows a light trail of blood to… Colleen, reclining on his patio furniture, bleeding from slits in her wrists. He dials 9-1-1.

No results found.
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