Season 4 Episode 14

Willy Ward

Aired Wednesday 10:00 PM Dec 05, 2006 on FX



  • Trivia

    • When James has the gun pointed at Michelle, she mentions that killing 'a drunk is one thing'. In the previous episode Reefer, James orchestrated the murder and organ harvest of a homeless man (also called Reefer).

  • Quotes

    • (Michelle gets into her car and Escobar is waiting for her. She screams and tries to get out of the car, but Escobar grabs her shoulder)
      Escobar: Relax, Ms Landau. I'm not going to hurt you.
      Michelle: How do you know my name?
      Escobar: What, you don't know who I am? I never get the credit I deserve. I'm Escobar Gallardo. I'm the reason you met your new fiancée. Your boss, James, worked for me. And now that she's gone, you're gonna take her place. (shows her a gun hidden in a newspaper) Please drive.

    • Christian: Why break up the team?
      Sean: Because you and I have been friends and partners for so long, I don't know who I am without you! I need to find that out.

    • Christian: Everything is falling into place for me, partner. The business, Michelle, Wilbur. You know, it's funny. Every day of my life, I wake up with this… thing in my throat, but this morning, when little Wilbur snuck in and wedged himself between Michelle and me, I just lay there listening to the two of them breathing and that thing in my throat, whatever it is, disappeared.
      Sean: I want you and Michelle to buy me out.
      Christian: What? I was just telling you how good everything's going.
      Sean: For you. That thing in your throat, that went away when you got a family? I swallowed it when mine left for New York.
      Christian: You've been through this before. How many times have you tried to leave this place? You just need a vacation. Why don't you go to Sardinia, screw some hot Italian bitch with hairy armpits and you'll be fine.
      Sean: I put the house on the market yesterday. Julia's on board. She said there's nothing left for her there either. I've been blaming you for my unhappiness for years. First, with Julia. Then the business, then Matt. I'm always being critical of your lifestyle. I've realised it's just been a cover for my jealousy.

    • Sean: (about James) You knew she was Michelle's madam? She was in our recovery suite, Christian. How could you not tell me?
      Michelle: Because I asked him not to. James was my shame, Sean. I'm sorry if I didn't want it whispered through the halls.
      Sean: Then explain to me why you're planning your shame's funeral.
      Michelle: Because I'm all she had.

    • Gina: (to Christian) My mother wasn't a bad person. She loved me. She took care of me. I don't know why I turned out like this. I guess it's random. Some people get the parenting instinct, some people don't. You've got that instinct. You. The asshole. Go figure.

    • Gina: He didn't even know me, he was afraid of me. Imagine your own child rejecting you. He cried the whole time. I've worked too hard to get where I am, and turning him from a whiny brat into a decent little boy would take all my time and an entire team of experts. That is not how I plan to spend my time or money, undoing the Sutherland's mess? No. Be my guest.
      Christian: Are you done?
      Gina: Oh, he's got quite the potty mouth. Good luck with that.
      Christian: Must be in the genes.

    • Michelle: What have you done with Wilbur?
      James: Children that age are so extraordinary, aren't they? So pure. So full of light.
      Michelle: Give him back, God damn you. He's innocent. He doesn't deserve to suffer.
      James: Do any of us? I had a little boy. Did I tell you that? I… I don't think I did. Jonathan. He had the same bright sparkle in his eyes. He inherited a defective gene and his kidneys developed sacs of fluid that consumed the healthy tissue. He was eighteen months when he died in my arms. Waiting for a young donor. A tragedy that's led me to my current… business. It's ironic, isn't it?
      Michelle: So you think your child's death justifies taking another child's life?
      James: Children's organs are in high demand. It seemed alright somehow. To deprive you of the happiness I can't have, to make you taste misery that has become my life. Misery so powerful that it can make you do things, things you'd never believe yourself capable of
      Michelle: Oh my God, Wilbur…
      James: It was shocking to me when it first occurred to me. A drunk is one thing, but a helpless child? You were right when you said there is nothing human left in me! Can you imagine, to take revenge on something you've never had, that you can never have, on a defenceless child?
      Michelle: James, don't! Please! Please don't…
      James: When you reach that point, there's just nothing left to lose, is there, darling? I loved you!
      Michelle: Please stop, James!
      (James shoots herself)

    • Dr. Schwartz: Before we start, I'd like to talk about the second dynamic.
      Matt: The second dynamic?
      Kimber: The part about creativity.
      Matt: Oh, right,.
      Dr. Schwartz: Actually, it's about sex and family. And surviving through future generations by making sure engrams aren't implanted on the foetus.
      Kimber: But I would never do anything to hurt the baby, Dr Schwartz. We're very, very careful.
      Dr. Schwartz: Are you? Do you know that aggressive sex during pregnancy can be interpreted by the foetus as abuse, possibly even an attempt at abortion? Don't you think that's an engram?
      Matt: Wait a minute, what are you talking about?
      Dr. Schwartz: I'm talking about your obscene little playing-doctor pregnancy fetish movie on someone named Lena Workman's website. It was discovered by a Church member this morning.
      Kimber: That must be a mistake 'cos she's a friend of ours and she would never do that.
      Matt: Oh, shit.
      Dr. Schwartz: Your ethics are out. Even after you do the work to fix this, the damage might already be done. I fear for your child's future and for your future in the church.

    • (Willy Ward shows the effects of his surgery to his dummy, Ralphie)
      Ralphie: Jesus, Mary, son of Joseph! Did you use a scalpel or a sledgehammer, Doc?
      Willy Ward: Oh, come on, Ralphie!
      Ralphie: I'm serious, he should lose his license after this hack-job!
      Willy Ward: (to Ralphie) Why can't you be there for me? Can't you just let me be happy for five minutes, just once?
      Ralphie: You want me to lie? OK, you look like Monty Clift. (pause) Not when he was alive, mind you.
      Sean: Mr. Ward, it's a puppet! Just put it down.
      (Willy starts to cry)
      Ralphie: He can't, Doc. Without me, he's a hundred and seventy-six pounds of nothing.

    • Lena: It's all gone to shit now, though. Nobody wants artistic porn anymore, all they want is this niche crap. Bondage, bukkake, bestiality.
      Kimber: Well, I got out just in time.

    • Kimber: What's going on?
      Matt: You and I are gonna make a porno. You said how you always had real orgasms on the set. That's why you're such a big seller. So we're gonna do one right here.
      Kimber: What are you thinking? Those days for me are completely over.
      Matt: It's just for us, babe.

    • Sean: OK, fine. You wanna make Kimber hot? I get it. She's a former porn star. You have to be assertive, be a man. When she says she wants you to give it to her in the rear- and believe me, Kimber will say that- you tease her first with your tongue. She'll beg you to stick it in, but hold off. Wait until she writhes and screams until she can't take it anymore, only then do you give her what she wants. You pound her so hard, she'll beg for mercy. The neighbours will either move out or send you flowers. That's what I did with her. (pause) What I'd do.
      Matt: If that's what you did with her, I can't imagine what Christian and Kimber did together.

    • Liz: (to Sean, after telling Poppy to leave) Take my hand
      Sean: Why?
      Liz: To keep me from running out after her.
      Sean: I didn't know you two had broken up. How's it going?
      Liz: Good days, bad days. I miss her in bed with me. That girl could miss a shower for a week and still smell like lilacs. Still, it feels right. (sighs) I just never felt good enough when I was with her, you know. Because no matter how many times she told me she loved me… I never felt like I could shine when she was around.

    • Poppy: (walking into the operating room) You need to call me back, Liz. We need to talk.
      Liz: We have talked, Poppy. We talked, then we cried, then we made love, then we talked and cried some more and none of it has made me feel any better about the way you treat me.

    • Willy Ward: (as he's about to undergo surgery) Look how much paler my right hand is than my left hand. I don't think I've spent more than twenty minutes at a time for the past thirty years without Ralphie on it.
      Liz: You don't sleep with that thing, do you?
      Willy Ward: No. I'm not nuts. But his bed is right next to mine.

    • Gina: I figure you would have called by now if you planned to get in touch. Mr. Sutherland forbidding me to see Wilbur is one thing. But this is different. I am his only living relative now. You can't possibly think of denying me my son.
      Christian: It's in his will, Gina. You lost any legal rights to Wilbur two years ago.
      Gina: And with good reason. But I am not that person anymore. I… I made a nice nest-egg when I sold the spa and I renewed my real estate license and I made quite a killing last year. I'm back at my SA meetings; I'm even sponsoring newcomers.
      Christian: (after a pause) How's your HALT?
      Gina: Well, AIDS is the new diabetes, Christian. This cocktail I'm on, I don't even get a cold during flu season.
      Christian: Getting a new suit and getting some money in the bank doesn't really change who you are.

    • Gina: Hello, Christian.
      Christian: Don't you mean 'hello, asshole?'
      Gina: There's no need for demoralising pet names any more. I'm here on business.

    • Porn Star Kimber: (appearing to Kimber) You'll never escape me, Kimmy. Trying only makes you more tired.

    • Kimber: I have a question. Tell me about Xenu. Like, what does he look like? He's not the same as a thetan, is he?
      Parker: We don't talk about Xenu. That's for OT 7 and higher. People who are light enough to handle it.

    • Porn Star Kimber: (appearing to Kimber, along with an alien figure in a black cape) Hey, that's the guy from, like, seventy-five trillion years ago, who drugged mankind and nuked them in volcanoes! What was his name? (to the figure) What's your name? Xenu? Xenu. (pause) I can't believe you're falling for this bull, Kimmy. There was nothing wrong with who you were or who you used to be. At least then the only myth you embraced was the one you created. (looks at the figure) Kinda looks like that guy we screwed in our first video, doesn't he?

    • Kimber: Sex with Matt is kind of boring.
      Parker: Kimber, you know as well as I do, it's all about the tech.
      Kimber: The tech, I know. The tech works.
      Parker: Have you two made a list of your overts and withholds?
      Porn Star Kimber: (appearing to Kimber) 'Overts and withholds'? Can I reach those with my vibrator? When was the last time this poor girl had an orgasm?

    • Christian: (to Ms Hudson, who is in Florida on a hunting trip) You know, I can't seem to picture you in camouflage and orange.
      Ms Hudson: Well, after I zero in on my prey, I usually wear nothing at all.
      Christian: Now that… I can picture.

    • Sean: Scoot over Christian, you don't get to have all the fun. (to nurse) Gown and gloves.
      Christian: What are you doing here? Thought you'd cop a feel while she was under?
      Sean: I just think that we should give Ms. Hudson the best treatment we can. Since I'm available, I figured I'd just make sure the operation goes as smoothly as possible.
      Christian: Oh Jesus, you've gotta be kidding me. You pull this crap every time you're fragile little ego gets bruised.
      Liz: Boys, boys, boys. This is why God gave women two breasts, now each of you take one, and go play in your corner of the sandbox.

    • Sean: (to Willy Ward) Tell me what you don't like about yourself.
      Ralphie,the dummy: Do ya have to ask? Father Time whacked him in the face with a baseball bat.
      Sean: (to Willy Ward) Very impressive, but I think we'd move more quickly through the consult if you'd just put the dummy away.
      Ralphie,the dummy: (to Willy) No problem. Go wait in the car dummy.
      Willy: (to Ralphie) Enough Ralphie, let me talk!
      Ralphie,the dummy: (to Willy) Geez, okay it's fine. (to Sean) He wasn't so sensitive when his jowls didn't look like a walrus.
      Willy: (to Sean) Ralph...Ralphie and I have been together uh, Thirty?
      Ralphie,the dummy: Thirty.
      Willy: (to Ralphie) Thirty.
      Ralphie,the dummy: (to Sean) Thirty years.
      Willy: (to Sean) Yeah. I designed him to look exactly like me.Oh he's perfect. He's like another me, only better,more... more confident. Out there, he could say the things that I was afraid to say. We have a long time contract with Princess cruises. Yeah,we saw the world. People ate us up. Mike Douglas, Donahue.
      Ralphie,the dummy: I felt Dinah Shore's tits.
      Willy: Ralphie, would you please shut up.
      Sean: And now?
      Willy: This past year we booked two nights at a...dinner theatre, and a retirement home.
      Sean: Sounds like you need a good agent more than a plastic surgeon.
      Willy: No.No, no, I, I need to look like Raphie. That's why the show's not working. When he was a extension of me, my, my other self, our shtick was charming. Now it's just tragic. I can't compete with him. Doctor I need a face lift, some lipo under the chin, plugs. You can use Ralphie as a template.
      Sean: I don't mean to sound insensitive Mr. Ward, but why not get a new puppet?
      Willy: (to Ralphie when he goes to speak) No! No, no, no! Hey shut up! (to Sean) This isn't about Ralphie,we used to be a team. When I was the Abbot to his Costello we were on equal ground, but now when we go out on stage, I feel like I just disappear. I need this. To restore my confidence, get my mojo back.
      Raphie, the dummy: And while you're at it, why don't you throw in a dick and balls. Have you ever heard a man sound like such a pussy?
      Willy: G**Dammit Raphie! Would you please let me be, just for a minute.
      (Sean sees himself sitting in place of Willy, with Christian as a dummy beside him.)
      Dummy Christian: Face it jerk face, it dosen't matter what you do, I'll always be sexier than you, better looking, more charming. Now get your hand out of my ass.
      Alt.Sean: Shut up Christian!
      (Sean snaps back to reality)
      Willy: Shut up Raphie!
      Ralphie, the dummy: So Doc, you gonna help granddad out, or not?
      Sean: I have an opening tomorrow at eleven.
      Willy: (to Ralphie) He's gonna do me.
      Ralphie, the dummy: (to Willy) That's great.
      Willy: (to Ralphie) I know, that good. (to Sean) Thank you, thank you so much. Thank You.

    • James: (on the phone) Yes, it's James. What's the market for children's kidneys? I have two. I think I can get them within a week.

    • Liz: (to Poppy) You are the most beautiful woman I've ever kissed who didn't steal my kidney.

    • Sean: (to Christian) I'm in awe of you, I always have been.

    • Liz: I cannot let you keep me down anymore.
      Poppy: I love you!
      Liz: You love controlling me.

    • Nurse Linda: (to Sean) Dr. McNamara, your 2:00 is here and you should bring milk and a bowl because he is cuckoo for cocoa puffs.

    • Christian: (to Ms Hudson during her consultation) I'm happily engaged and looking forward to family life.

  • Notes

    • Jessalyn Gilsig (Gina) passed from receiving the "Guest Starring" credit, to being credited as a "Special Guest Star".

    • Original International Air Dates:
      Czech Republic: March 4, 2009 on TV Nova

    • Although listed in the opening credits, Joely Richardson does not appear in this episode.

    • Jacqueline Bisset (James), Alanis Morissette (Poppy), Jessalyn Gilsig (Gina) and Sanaa Lathan (Michelle) were credited as "Special Guest Stars". At the same time, Lathan received the "And" credit.

    • Music featured in the episode:
      "Up, up, and away (in my beautiful balloon)" by 5th Dimension (Christian
      performs Paige's breast surgery; Sean comes in and argues with him)
      "I'm your puppet" by James & Bobby Purify (Willy undergoes a face lifting and his puppet looks on)
      "Magnum" by Jimmy Kaleth (Kimber and Matt film a porn movie)

  • Allusions

    • Ralphie: (to Willy) You want me to lie? OK, you look like Monty Clift.

      Montgomery Clift (1920-1966) was a film star in the 1940s, 1950s and 1960s, a very handsome man- and a good actor- but also an alcoholic and a tortured homosexual who became increasingly dependant on drugs towards the end of his life. Two of his most well known films are From Here To Eternity and A Place In The Sun.

    • Matt: (talking about sex with Sean) You make me feel like I'm talking to Dr Ruth.

      Born in 1928, Dr Ruth Westheimer is a foremost sex therapist and author, who has written books and lectured on various aspects of human sexuality. She has a syndicated TV show called Sexually Speaking and also a popular radio show. She has a very disarming physical presence- she is only four feet seven inches tall and speaks with a broad German accent- but is very candid in her advice about sex.

    • Parker: We don't talk about Xenu. That's for OT 7 and higher. People who are light enough to handle it.

      In Scientology doctrine, Xenu is an alien overlord who brought billions of aliens to Earth seventy-five million years ago, stacking them around volcanoes then blowing them up with hydrogen bombs. The alien souls- now called 'thetans'- remained of Earth, binding themselves to the bodies of the living and causing issues for them. Scientologists have attempted to keep this story confidential and do not mention it in public statements. OT7 refers to a level within Scientology's Operating Thetan structure (that of level seven), which will- according to official Church of Scientology literature– culminate in the 'attainment of the state of Cause Over Life'. It seems that only people who have attained this level and higher can have access to information about Xenu.

    • Ralphie,the dummy: I felt Dinah Shores t*ts.

      Dinah Shore was an American singer, actress and talk show host. She first became famous as a "girl singer" during the Big Band era, then went on to become a movie star. She was then the host of a long-running series of popular TV variety programs.

    • Willy: Yeah,we saw the world. People ate us up. Mike Douglas, Donahue.

      Phillip John Donahue is the creator and star of The Phil Donahue Show, also known as Donahue, the first tabloid talk show.

      Mike Douglas was host of the "Mike Douglas show" from 1961 to 1981. He was the first to feature a then 2-year-old Tiger Woods on his show.

    • Willy: When I was the Abbot to his Costello we were on equal ground, but now when we go out on stage, I feel like I just disappear.

      Abbott and Costello (William (Bud) Abbott, Louis Cristillo) were an American comedy duo whose work in radio, film and television made them one of the most popular and respected teams in comedy history.

    • Nurse Linda: Dr. McNamara, your 2 O'Clock is here, and you should bring some milk and a bowl with you, he's Cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

      Cocoa Puffs is a brand of chocolate-flavored breakfast cereal manufactured by General Mills.
      Its mascot is Sonny the Cuckoo Bird, whose catchphrase is "cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs".