Notes From The Underbelly

Lauren: He stole your condom case? Cooper: It's my grandmother's cigarette case. I just keep condoms in it. Lauren: Ooh. Nothing like the image of grandma right before you do it.

Andrew: So, we're sitting at the gynecologist's office. I'm thinking this has gotta be a great place to meet women. Danny: Yeah, I thought that, too. But, I found that when the gals are bringing in the engine to be serviced, they don't really wanna think about taking it out for a joyride. Andrew: Yeah, you're probably right.

(Andrew and Lauren lying in bed after an attempt at getting it on) Lauren: Honey? Andrew: Yeah? Lauren: Is everything okay? Andrew: Oh, yeah. Lauren: Didn't feel like it was okay. Andrew: Look, it's a lot of pressure, alright? You know, I'm trying to create a human being here. Every shot counts.

(Lauren tells Andrew she wants a baby after an incident of mistaken mommy identity in a store) Andrew: You wanna have a baby so you can scare the hell out of it? Lauren: No. No, not the point of the story. It's just, when I looked down and I saw that adorable little girl tugging on the wrong pants, I had this overwhelming feeling my life is missing something. I wanna be the right pants.

(Andrew and Lauren discuss pros/cons of having a baby) Andrew: But the kid could grow up to be a brilliant scientist who discovers stuff. Lauren: He could grow up to be a weirdo shut-in who kills people. Andrew: Who's he gonna kill if he's a shut-in? Lauren: Us.

( Andrew & Lauren work on pros and cons of getting pregnant) Andrew: (sitting on couch) Pro - babies smell good. Lauren: Con - have you seen maternity underwear? Andrew: (getting in car) Pro - we get to use the carpool lane. Lauren: Con - we'll be driving a hideous minivan. Andrew: That was my next pro.

Lauren: Okay, I know you're a divorce attorney, but some couples actually stay together. Cooper: Yes, they do. In loveless marriages. Lauren: Hey, what about me and Andrew? Cooper: Well, you two are perfect together. You both have extremely low expectations of each other, so somehow it works.

Andrew: (outside the door of the bathroom after opening the pregnancy test package for Lauren) Should I get the video camera? Lauren: No. Too soon. Andrew: (walking away from the bathroom) Fine. I'll just go pee on something and videotape that.

Andrew: (voiceover) I love my wife. She's a huge pain in the ass, but I love her.

Cooper: You little whore, you're pregnant.

Andrew: You shopped for dates in the women shoes department? Danny: No, I work there. Andrew: What, you're selling shows now? Danny: Please, I'm not a looser! I play piano by the escalator.