Parks and Recreation

Season 2 Episode 23

The Master Plan

5
Aired Thursday 8:00 PM May 13, 2010 on NBC

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  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Andy: Let me ask you a quick question. What's the youngest a girl can be that if, uh, we go out, I'm not a total scumbag?
      Tom: You know the old rule. Half your age, plus seven.
      Andy: Half my age plus seven. Oh, okay. Well, I'm 29 so half of...29...add seven, that's only 20...is-
      Tom: 21...
      Andy: 20 years old.
      Tom: 21 and a half.
      Andy: 21 years old and a half.
      Tom: Yep.
      Andy: Yep. We got the same thing with the equation on that one. Here's the thing. What if she's slightly younger? Can I go out with someone younger than that
      Tom: Please! You totally can.

    • Leslie: Ron, they're state auditors. They're not gonna come and pat us on the back. They're here to slash and burn.
      Ron: Well, I'd be find with that. This government is diseased. It's like a big, fat, angry slob spending money it doesn't have on crap it doesn't need. Mmm, mmm, mmm. Me want more pointless social programs. Yummy, yummy, yum.
      Leslie: That's what government does, Ron. It provides services. They're gonna try to eliminate everything we do. We gotta fight these guys.

    • Ron: Once a year, every branch of this government meets in a room and announces what they intend to waster taxpayer money on. For a libertarian such as myself, it's philosophically horrifying. They also really cheap out on the snacks. Hydrax cookies? Di you know there was an off-brand hydrox? I did not. They're not bad.

    • Ann: I ended things with Mark a couple of days ago, and...I'm not gonna talk about it.

    • Leslie: In the words of the great 19th century outdoorsman Jack London, you can't wait for inspiration. You have to go after it with a club. With those words ringing in our ears, we proudly present our plans for a new park on municipal lot 48.
      Ann: That's good.
      Leslie: I know. The yearly budge an planning proposal for a city is called the "Master Plan." Ah, isn't that just so awesome you can't stand it It's mostly filled with boring, bureaucratic language, so I try to spice it up a little. "So I say the function of man is to live, not to exist. I would rather that my spark should not burn out in a brilliant blaze that it should be stifled by dry rot.
      Ann: (gasps) You wrote that?
      Leslie: Jack London, again.
      Ann: No, no.
      Leslie: Yeah, I mean, you can never have enough.

    • Ron: She's an adult now. She should know how to responsibly handle and discharge a weapon. That there is a Sig Sauer .22 caliber mosquito, manufactured in Switzerland for their pussy police force. This two-toned, lightweight model is perfect for a skinny, little thing like you.
      April: Gee, thanks, Ron.
      Ron: I will hold on to this for you until we get you licensed up, and then I'll take you for some target practice.
      April: Goody.
      (To the cameraman)
      Ron: Yeah, I do feel a little guilty. I'm re-gifting.

    • Leslie: This is your original intern application, your original parking pass. this is your original photo I.D.
      April: Did you get that out of my purse
      Leslie: Doesn't matter. And this is a copy of your very first Paycheck.
      April: Who's that from
      Leslie: Me. It's from me. Happy Birthday.

    • Andy: (singing) November, your bangs are cute. November, your voice is a flute. November. Let's pretend the sky is for us. Let's spread our wings and fly on a date. I wanna go on a date with you, November. (stops singing). That song is about April.

    • Ann: You have my phone number?
      Chris: No, you couldn't remember your phone. But you gave me your phone.

    • Ann: Hey, Ron, did we make out last night?
      Ron: Good god, woman, no.

    • Ben: When I was 18, I ran for mayor of my small town and won. Little bit of anti-establishment voter rebellion, I guess. Here's the thing, thought, about 18-year-olds. They're idiots. So I pretty much ran the place into the ground after two months and got impeached. Worst part was, my parents grounded me.

    • Leslie: You may hold my fate in your hands like a small bird, but I still think you're an ass.
      Ben: You wanna get a beer?
      Leslie: It's, like, 10:30 in the morning.
      Ben: Yeah. You seem like you could use a beer. Let's get a beer.

    • Leslie: Hello, Ben.
      Ben: Um, look, uh, I kind of feel like we got off on the wrong foot. So I just wanted to stop by and-
      Leslie: Yeah, well, save your breath, okay? Just get out of here. Because this is a party with my friends and you're trying to fire all my friends
      Ben: I-
      Leslie: Plus I just talked to everybody in this bar and nobody wants you here
      Ben: Um, okay, then I'll-I'll just see you tomorrow
      Leslie: Mm-hmm
      Ben: Sorry to bother you.
      Leslie: Get out of here
      Anne: Leslie, that was so professional. I'm so proud of you.

    • Andy: (about April) I thought she liked me. I guess I'm super bad at picking up signals. But that Ralph Macchio guy's a total douche.

    • John: One time, I waited outside a woman's house for five days just to show her how serious I was about wanting to drill her. Turns out, it was the wrong house. She loved the story anyway. We got to third base. Over the pants.

    • Ann: I loved Andy. Loved him. Loved him. He was a totally helpless baby when we met. I dated him from three years. Now he's an adult with a job. And some other girl is gonna reap the rewards of my hard work? That's Bull [bleep].

    • Donna: Go your birthday shot.
      April: Oh, thanks. But now that it's legal, I've kind of lost interest.
      Donna: Suit yourself (downs the shots).

    • Ron: (about Ben) What's a not-gay way to ask him to go camping with me?

    • Ben: Do you have a second?
      Leslie: I really like your shirt
      Ben: So I'd like to talk about where you think there's waste within your department
      (Leslie and Ron scoff)
      Leslie: There is none
      Ron: Where do I start? What exactly will you be cutting? And how much of it, and can I watch you doing it while eating pork cracklins?
      Ben: Okay, let's start with personnel. What can you tell me about Jerry Gergich?
      Leslie: He is one of the best people on the planet. He's universally adored here. If you fired him, there would be a revolt.
      Ben: Okay, you need to understand that just to keep this town afloat, we probably have to cut the budget of every department by 40% or 50%, okay?
      Leslie: Well, but Chris said that you just had to, you know, tinker with things.
      Ben: Yeah, he said that because that sounds a lot better than, "We're going to gut it with a machete"
      Ron: Okay? (laughing)
      Leslie: You're a jerk.
      Ben: I'm sorry?
      Ron: Easy.
      Leslie: I'm sorry, these are real people in a real town working in a real building with real feelings.
      Ben: This building has feelings?
      Leslie: Maybe. There's a lot of history in this one, maybe it does. How can you be so blasé about it?
      Ben: Because I didn't cause these problems, Miss. Knope. Your government did.

    • Leslie: Chris is the most positive State Budget auditing consultant I've ever met. I mean, I made eye contact with him, and it was like…staring into the sun.

    • Ron: Leslie. What do we do when we get this angry?
      LeslieWe count backwards from 1,000 by sevens and we think of warm brownies.
      Ron: Go do that in your office.
      LeslieGo do it in your office.
      Ron: And we'll we wait for these guys to show up.
      LeslieI'll wait for you to show up.

    • Leslie: The yearly budget and planning proposal for a city is called the Master Plan, Mwah-Ha-Ha-Ha-ee-Ah-Ah-ah-ah (coughing) kind of sounded like a chimp there at the end.

    • April: Yes, I am 21 years old today. Which is the age that pretty much everyone agrees makes you an adult.

    • Tom: (about April's party) Yes, I am a good friend for throwing the party. I'm also a genius because I'm using the occasion to stock the club with every available hottie I know. Call me a romantic, but I believe by the end of the night, I will have between one and four new girlfriends.

    • Tom: Ladies and gentlemen, this is your final warning. Do not miss tonight's April Ludgate birthday bash. 9 p.m. at the world famous Snakehole Lounge. The place the Pawnee general has called the sexiest, most dangerous club in town.
      Leslie: That's not what they wrote.
      Tom: Fine, I added the word "sexiest," but we've hired better security.

    • Chris: Our investigation has revealed that things in Pawnee are much worse than we had anticipated.
      Ron: Meaning what?
      Ben: Well, effective tomorrow morning, the entire government will be shut down until further notice.
      Leslie: I'm sorry -- I just started hearing really loud circus music in my head. What did you say?

    • Ben: How's your head?
      Leslie: Mushy.

    • Andy: (after consulting Tom about whether or not April was too young for him to date) Tom says it's okay! (thinks for a moment) That probably means it isn't okay.

    • Andy: Hello birthday girl! I got you a birthday present.
      April: Really?
      Andy: Yeah. I, ahhh, wrote you a song.
      April: Score! What's it called?
      Andy: I'm not telling, but I'll give you a clue: it's named after a month out of the year.
      April: So...."April?"
      Andy: No. (pauses for a moment) That would have been way better.

  • Notes

  • Allusions

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