Other than the ones Penn mentions, the rest of John Gray's twenty "genius" turn-on lines (as shown in the episode) are: "You are my dream come true", "I love you so much", "I love sharing my life with you", "You turn me on so much", "Your breasts turn me on", "I love touching your soft skin", "I love holding you in my arms", "I love your breasts", "I love your legs", "Your lips are perfect", "You feel so good", "You feel so hot", "You are so delicious", "I am all yours", "All my love is for you", "I love having sex with you", and "I long for you".
Penn's Teller "pitch" is complete in approximately 1 minute 27 seconds. As he said, that's less than half the allotted 3 minutes.
Penn: [on John Gray's bedroom advice] This "love machine"'s top 20 sexual turn-on lines include such originals as...[monotone] "You are so beautiful", "I love sharing my life with you", "Your breasts are perfect". And, our favorite, "You are so wet".
Gray: ...I went on to study psychology, I became a Ph.D in psychology...
Penn: He got that Ph.D from Columbia Pacific University. An internet DIPLOMA MILL. That was forced to shut down under accusations of fraud. But that doesn't mean DOCTOR Gray doesn't have good tips for men...
Penn: [as John Gray comes on screen the first time] Enter THIS a**hole. You know, we've used that intro in half our shows...and it still makes us laugh.
Penn: It's hard to sell yourself in three minutes. These guys aren't professional talkers. What this task needs is carny trash who can turn the tip with some hurry-up! Now, Teller could never do it himself, but he got himself a talker a long time ago. He doesn't even need to speak anymore. I do all his talking for him, and I've had a little practice...I'll give you a Teller pitch in less than HALF the allotted time and leave a little time for long, loving looks in her eyes. [clears throat, to Teller] Put a clock on me. [Teller starts the clock]
Howdy ma'am, let me introduce you to Teller of Penn & Teller. Perhaps you've seen him on SNL, Letterman, Leno, or his own megahit BULLSH**! on Showtime. His show Penn & Teller LIVE at the beautiful Rio All Suites Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. Are you gonna settle to settle down, I don't think you should ma'am. You need to shoot for the top. Teller is smart, funny, successful, quiet. Born in Center City, Philly, right near the museum. He was born near culture and he lives culture, loves culture, and just plain loves! He loves his parents, and why wouldn't he? Joe and Irene. Real artists. Teller has the fine arts in his genes and the jingle in his blue jeans with a show he wrote, directed, produced, and stars in called, PENN & TELLER! He added my name to the title just out of kindness. He's that kind of loving guy! Teller's show has toured the world many times over and done TWO smash Broadway runs in New York City. But, now, Penn & Teller at the RIO All Suites Hotel and Casino in Las Vegas, Nevada. Imagine the fun of having all your friends, CALL NOW FOR TICKETS! Teller is a little bit taller than the average 5 foot 9 inch male. He is quite a snappy dresser. You know the lining of the jacket matches the color of his socks, and that's d*mn metrosexual if you ask me! He loves all sports, all hobbies, all activities, and HE CAN COOK! You'll want to stay around for the morning after the night of the first date to have the buttermilk pancakes and his homemade turkey apple sausage for breakfast....[snniiff]...yumyumyum! Make your life with the star of Penn & Teller at the fabulous Rio All Suites Hotel and Casino in fabulous Las Vegas, Nevada where he is the fabulous heir apparent to ELVIS! Only better, cuz he can do magic and he won't be found fat and dead surrounded by his own vomit! His name is easy to say, easy to spell: TELLER! Act now and as a special offer for the first 100 respondents, you'll get ME![Teller stops clock]
Penn: Now tell us all about you!
Schneider: The...um...punishment fits the crime! The Rules fits the situations because there's so much misery!
Penn: "The punishment fits the crime"??? "So much misery"??? Hello, Judge Sherrie? We're talking about dating! This poor gal's been dumped too many times! I'm not surprised, I know we'd dump her. In fact...let's dump the b*tch right now! [cuts back to Michele's hurrydates]
Penn: [on Sherrie Schneider's book] "The Rules: Time-Tested Secrets for Capturing the Heart of Mr. Right"...or as we like to call it, "HOW TO SUCKER A SAP INTO A MANIPULATIVE RELATIONSHIP"! So far, Sherrie has sold 4 million copies. Why? Because her book's just a fantasy too.
Schneider: If you're doing "The Rules" and a man calls Friday for Saturday night, obviously it's too late in the week. He has to call Wednesday for Saturday night. So, you have to say, "Gosh I'd love to, but I'm busy."
Penn: But you're not. You're miserable. And lonely. And HE'S out having a good time with somebody who has NO AMBITION to be a vindictive shrew.
Fisher: I think that romantic love is a drug. I think it's a drug as powerful if not more powerful than cocaine or heroine or cigarettes.
McDermott: Trish McDermott. Vice President of Romance.
Penn: Okay.....and I'm the Dean of All True Men! And Teller here is the Treasurer...of Lust!
Penn: Now human balls typically size in somewhere around here. Don't know what it means, scientifically, but...they're easy to palm.
Penn: [on Dr. Barash] He says the inclination to philander is built right into our bodies. How does he know this? By looking at animal genitalia. Which happens to be one of our hobbies too!
Penn: On one side, there are people in relationships...and miserable. On the other side, there are people out of relationships...and miserable. What's the deal? Don't they know that love is a rollercoaster? You sit. You hold hands. You scream. Then you get off, and ride again.
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