Penn & Teller: Bullshit!

Season 2 Episode 9

Death, Inc.

Aired Monday 10:00 PM Aug 05, 2004 on Showtime



  • Trivia

    • When describing the card trick in this episode, Penn says that you should bribe your audience if necessary to get them to see the card trick. When he says this, the woman performing the trick is seen to mouth the words "I'll give you a blowjob".

    • The trick involving the Penn and Teller Cenotaph and the map that they show in this episode can also be found in the duo's book "Penn and Teller's How to Play in Traffic" under the name "The Eternal Card Trick".

    • A variant of Bach' "Toccata and Fugue in D Minor" can be heard lightly playing in the background while Penn discusses the history of the "living room".

    • The "Bunny in the Chipper-Shredder" bit in the open of this show is one of Penn and Teller's most famous routines during their live show.

  • Quotes

    • Penn: It may be hard to admit, but the dead are dead. Nothing you can do will please them. Ashes don't know if they're in a marble urn or an old Starbucks cup! The time to treat people right is when they're alive. A ham sandwich, a soda, and a joke now mean more to your loved ones than a 10,000 dollar coffin after they're dead.

    • Donald: If you're scared to death...of death, you know, you're just gonna sit in your house, underneath the covers and not enjoy anything that life does have to offer.
      Dark Rose: There are so many things in life that people overlook because they are walking around scared. Just really embrace life, and do what you want to do.

    • Penn: Buying a funeral is a lot like getting a prostitute: if you keep looking, you'll eventually find one who'll do what you want for the price you can afford.

    • Penn: Get this. When you spring for the extra gasket to seal up your casket, the digestive enzymes and bacteria that normally inhabit humans every day...continue their work. Instead of digesting your food, they Your internal organs liquefy. Within two weeks of death, all this digested, bloody goo comes out any opening in your body. The gases inside of your body that don't make it out of your...nose...continue to build up until your body splits open, spilling your mostly digested insides into the coffin. So much for that...extra comfort padding. When the gases build up, well, a casket isn't as structurally sound as say, a champagne bottle, so sometimes, they just explode. So what do you think, worth the extra 300 bucks? We think so!

    • Penn: If you've got too much money, and you feel like you're close to dying...well, hookers is always a good answer.

    • Penn: [on cryonics] Before we totally dismiss the science of...turning humans into popsicles...let's take a serious look at it. Then, and only then, when we have gathered all the relevant facts...will we p*ss all over it.

    • Penn: [on the thicker pillow in a cremation casket] A thicker pillow??? Just in case your loved one isn't all the way dead? He'll want that extra comfort as he's tossed into the FIRE AHHHHH!

    • Penn: [on Dark Rose's bloodsucking] Oh, this is really sexy...I mean creepy...but sexy...and creepy...and well it's really sexy, you know sexy...and creepy.

    • Penn: [describing part of the patter of the card trick] As you walk down the path, ask your friend if he heard about how Penn and Teller were BEATEN to death by vengeful chiropractors, water bottlers, and drunks.

    • Penn: [on the cenotaph card trick] It takes some serious scamming to get a grave when you're not dead...but you're not playing with f*cking kids here. We're Penn and Teller.

    • Roberts: On the worst day of your life, the thing you're not going to do is go price shopping.

    • Penn: But money is the last thing they want you to think about. Listen to what this weasely funeral director said when he gave us the price list.
      Censored funeral director: You don't really want to study just want to think about it.
      Penn: WEASEL! And we're making him sound like a cartoon chipmunk. Let the punishment fit the crime.

    • Kessler: To hear someone say to you..."Do you want the $500 standard, plain casket or do you want the 'Eternal Love' model that we have for $5000"...that's wrong to do that to someone who's emotionally fragile.

    • Penn: [on the quality of the funeral home footage from their investigation] Nope...nothing wrong with your tv. Our lawyer made us do this. He said 72 lawsuits were enough.

    • Penn: Father Henry has made a career out of crusading against the funeral industry. How pissed does a priest have to be to appear on OUR SHOW??? That is one angry dude of the cloth!

    • Roach: The first time you have to see a dead body, you're not sure how you're going to react, and is it going to be creepy...
      Penn: [autopsy footage begins to play] Let's find out. This is an ACTUAL dead body. See, nothing creepy here!...Okay, it is a little creepy. Where's our happy music???? [cheerful music swells back in] Ooof. It's much better!

    • Funeral Director: This is the embalming room. This is where we do the preparation of the body. This is where we do the embalming, the restorative artwork...
      Penn: Looks kinda like the inside of a McDonald's kitchen!
      Funeral Director: This machine there that you see is actually an embalming machine. It's the injection machine that we use when we do the embalming.
      Penn: Looks a lot like a smoothie machine! And look what's just arrived! A dead guy! No big deal...hey dead guy! Want a smoothie?

    • Penn: [on Donald and Dark Rose's belief in reincarnation] We're pretty sure that's some sort of Buddhist thing, but Buddhists' clothes and teeth aren't nearly as sexy cool.

    • Vital: If you choose to be alive, and you choose life, you get rid of all the death urges from your body. You'll never die. Nobody can die unless he believes in death.
      Penn: If we do another forty or fifty seasons of Bullsh**!, we'll have the pleasure of proving him wrong. Please, Showtime? Please, please please? You know, for science?

  • Notes

  • Allusions