Opening Credits: Special Guest Star William Shatner avoids bullets in a restaurant, fires back, and then drinks poisoned wine from his dinner partner.
Ted Olsen's Experiment: How mammals breathe, by holding a cat underwater.
Next Week's Experiment: "Why women can't play professional football."
Act Two: Richard III
Johnny's Next Customer: Dr. Joyce Brothers wanting to know about the "Cinderella complex."
Lana: He hangs out there with some chorus girl. A floozy named Mimi De Jour.
Ed: De Jour? Is she French?
Lana: That's just her stage name. Her real name is Mimi Coffee.
Lana: No thank you.
Frank: That evening we caught Mimi De Jour's show at the Club Flamingo. We hoped the talk with her would be half as revealing as her act.
Mimi: Is this some kind of bust?
Frank: Yes, ma'am, it's very impressive, but we need to ask you a few questions.
Mimi: He was with me. We went to the movies.
Frank: Oh, yeah.
Mimi: On the Waterfront.
Ed: Come on, there are no movies on the waterfront.
Ted Olsen: So you see, Katie, fish have gills to extract oxygen from water. But, but air-breathing species have lungs, which are equipped only to accept oxygen in it's natural state. And that's why most mammals must live on land. (tries to down a cat)
Katie: Wow, that's neat.
Ted Olsen: Oh, hi, Frank. Would you like to keep him, Katie?
Katie: Can I? Gee, thanks, Mr. Olsen.
Ted Olsen: Why don't you run along now, Katie, and next week I'll show you why women can't play professional football.
(after a man is killed in a car explosion)
Norberg: I can't believe anyone would do something so cruel.
Frank: Senseless brutality, senseless waste.
Ed: Cut down in the prime of life.
Norberg: That car was a classic, a '68! You suppose the widow would take $1,500 for it?
Norberg: I've got the sandwiches, sir.
Ed: All right, Eddie, you went to the movies. Now what did you see?
Eddie: I told you, I don't remember.
Norberg: Who had the egg salad?
Ed: "I don't remember."
Norberg: Somebody ordered it.
Frank: You can't expect us to buy that.
Norberg: But I already paid for it.
Eddie: Why don't you give a guy a break?
Norberg: Thanks a lot.
Eddie: What's the charge, huh?
Norberg: About $4.58.
Ed: What are you trying to do, insult us?
Norberg: Okay, $3.50. Coffee's on me.
Eddie: I told you, I went to the movies. I fell asleep. I don't remember.
Frank: You don't expect us to swallow that?
Norberg: All right, I'll eat it. But I don't think it's fair that I should have to pay for it.
Ed: Let's say you did go to the movies.
Frank, Ed and Eddie: You did go to the movies.
Frank: And let's say that you were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.
Eddie: All right.
Frank, Ed and Eddie: You were nowhere near the Club Flamingo.
Frank: Then explain this. (shows him a Club Flamingo matchbook)
Eddie: Well, you take this little cardboard stick out, with sulfur on the end, and you rub it on the edges and it makes fire.
Frank: When I got home I received a call from Mimi De Jour. She said she wanted to see me at the club right away. Since I had no idea where the Club Rightaway was, I suggested the Club Flamingo. She agreed.
Dr. Joyce Brothers: Johnny, I've been getting a lot of mail about the Cinderella Complex.
Johnny: So? (she slips him money) Women's fear of success have left many of them confused about their wants and needs. Consequently, stress-related burnout has driven many women from feminist aggression to female passivity, dependent upon their partner for vicarious fulfillment.
Dr. Joyce Brothers: Well, what do I tell them? (slips him more money)
Johnny: Tell them to get in touch with their unconscious feelings and to share in the growth process with their partner.
Frank: Just in time, Eddie.
Eddie: Piece of cake, Lieutenant.
Frank: No thanks, I just ate.