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Charlotte "Chuck" Charles
Lillian "Lily" Charles
The Waffle Nazi
Marianne Marie Beetle
When timed, it can be determined that Colonel Likkin is alive again for more than 60 seconds.
Chuck: If I hadn't kept my dad alive, I'd have been murdered twice.
Emerson: Yeah. Once was enough.
Lily: Way I see this, we both got something you want.
Dwight: What would that be, my spicy cocktail?
Lily: I got my daughter's watch, and you got your insides where you want 'em.
Ned: Are we weird now because I did "it" with your dad?
Chuck: No we're not weird. I've never been so in love with you. But, I'm also feeling a lot of other things--so many things that I want to tell you and I can't tell you and I'm afraid to tell you and I don't know how to tell you.
Ned: You don't have to tell me if you don't want to. I mean… you do eventually.
Marianne: Ah, the sweet smell of victory!
Olive: Not this year, turd-muffin.
Marianne: I'll shut your pie hole good.
Olive: Bring it, stale-cakes! We're gonna win!
Marianne: Who's "we," sucka? I'm gonna win.
Chuck: I mean, how can anyone regret being reunited with someone that they love and they thought they'd never see again?
Emerson: Point taken.
Chuck: But the big problem, maybe the biggest problem, in an objective sense, is the dishonesty with Ned. That and the "making someone less alive" part.
Emerson: "Less alive." (scoffs) Nice euphemism… killer.
Chuck: I know this doesn't take the sting out of the responsibility, but I brought some cash. I thought that when we find the body, we'll take it to the nearest funeral home, with the cash and a note that says "Every human body deserves dignity. Please bury this one." (Emerson grumbles) It'll be just like leaving a baby on a doorstep, only… the tail end of things.
Narrator: Ready to pull the trigger and reclaim his prize, Dwight paused, unbelieving the unbelievable sight he saw. Dwight's mind reeled at the sight of the pie maker and Chuck desecrating Charles Charles' grave. And, as is traditional, he decided to put an end to the thing he did not understand.
Marianne: Those are hot-oil burns. Did the Colonel spatter when you deep-fat-fried him, you sick son of a bitch?!
Leo Burns: Pixie dust and lemonade! You have no proof! That story will never hold up in court.
Widow Likkin: The Colonel would be so proud. Now that I have the recipe, that nice doughnut man and I are gonna go into business together. "Finger Likkin Doughnut Holes."
Ned: Sounds delicious… and filthy.
Olive: America's favorite. You'll make a fortune.
Ned: I'm sorry to leave you with the mess.
Olive: I'm used to the mess.
Ned: You can't do what you did last night and not be a little overwhelmed.
Chuck: Well, believe me I feel plenty whelmed but, um, not overly.
Ned: Overly is on its way, probably looking in the window right now.
Chuck: For the meantime, Olive is depending on you. She said two years ago she could taste that first-prize blue ribbon, and then that taste was replaced with the bitter tang of defeat.
Ned: Bitter tang, bitter Olive. It's a story.
Marianne: And you remember, now--losing doesn't make you a loser. Oh wait--it does.
Charles Charles: I hate to look in the gift horse's mouth, but I'm not gonna start craving human flesh, am I?
Chuck: No. Although everything does taste better.
Chuck: I need your help.
Emerson: Friend help or pay help? (Chuck bends her head in shame) See that? That's the kind of body language you never hear with pay help.
Olive: I know it's a tragedy, obviously, but you know what they say, when God closes a door, he opens an oven.
Ned: They don't say that, and if they do they don't have much compassion for a dead colonel.
Olive: Okay, how do we go about this… this whole P.I. thing? Do we just jam the gun in the suspect's mouth and say, "Sing, canary, or I'm gonna decorate this wallpaper with your guts"?
Ned: Neither. Technically, I don't believe you can blow someone's guts out their mouth.
Chuck: Why would he want us dead?
Narrator: As is traditional, the "why " in this case was met with an equal and opposite "because."
Ned: We're not the saboteurs.
Waffle Nazi: Oh, ja, ja. Mein waffle cord leaped into your arms like a puppy wanting love and then cut itself in two.
Waffle Nazi: I do not speak a word of German. I speak English with a German accent. Pageantry!
Chuck: Dwight might not have been the nicest man, but everybody deserves a burial with dignity.
Emerson: Fine, I got buttloads of dignity to sprinkle on the ground. Come on. Get holy.
Chuck: Thank you.
Emerson: Here lies Dwight. Here lies his gun. He was bad. Now he's done. Let's go.
Emerson: What's with the shotgun?
Lily: Military salute.
Emerson: For Dwight Dixon?
Lily: For Charles. But if I happen to miss and blow Dwight's head off, purely by accident, well, that's something my lawyers can pretty much sort out later.
Olive: I'm going to win that blue ribbon, wrap it around her neck, and strangle her with it.
Ned: Olive. You're baking with hate.
Olive: Ah. Rich, buttery, high-in-carbohydrate hate. You know what no one tells you about cooking with the dark side? The food is really good.
Ned: Revenge is a dish best served cold. We're baking pie--warm, delicious, happy-making pie.
Olive: Okay, help cook or get out of the kitchen, short-pants.
Chuck: You're not mad at me?
Emerson: Hell yeah I'm mad! I'm steamed, furious, red-hot and don't think I ain't gonna yell at you later! But for now let's just put our heads together and try to figure out what to do.
Olive: (talking about Leo) Aw. He's a dreamboat. Well, tugboat, but still...
Olive: Sweet Lord in Heaven, how I hate the Buffalo.
Leo Burns: When you say "buffalo," do you mean the noble breed of bison lost forever to settlers' greed or the upstate New York hamlet still thirsting for Super Bowl glory?
Olive: Hey! You know what I love about Vivian? Her imagination. She thought you and I were a couple now. It's crazy. It's like imagining us as hobbits. Or on jet packs. Or hobbits on jet packs.
Vivian: Forgive me. I'm... I'm so wrapped up in my man, I'm thoughtlessly keeping you from yours.
Olive: Who? Ned? No. No, we're partners in a contest. Unromantic partners. Like a brother and a sister. Like an asexual, androgynous brother and a sister. My man? Ha ha ho. Ho ho hee hee. No, that's a laugh. (chuckles weakly)
Vivian: When Dwight didn't show up for our date, I tried to laugh, too. Tried to tell myself that my feelings for him were silly. But lying to yourself about love never works.
Vivian: I know. But still, I keep lying and looking all the same. If you see Dwight at the Pie Hole, will you tell him about the "looking" part? I'd like to see him.
Olive: I understand. Boy, do I understand.
Olive: You've never solved a murder mystery alone before.
Ned: I'm not alone.
Olive: Me? Oh. I just got all tingly. And not just in the nether regions.
Emerson: (after Chuck gives him a kiss of thanks) Uh-uh. Don't be pecking me, woman. That's the peck of cahoots, which we are definitely not in.
Colonel Likkin: I hate to go, but at least I'm going delicious.
Ned: He's not just dead. He's extra-crispy.
Music: Eternal Flame (the Bangles, sung by Kristin Chenoweth)
Digby and Pigby don't appear in this episode.
Beth Grant recreates her role as Marianne Marie Beetle, a role she played before in Daisies creator Bryan Fuller's previous show, Wonderfalls in the episode "Muffin Buffalo."
Germany: February 25, 2009 on ProSieben
Australia: July 28, 2009 on W Channel
Slovakia: August 17, 2010 on Markiza
Czech Republic: November 17, 2010 on Prima COOL
Finland: February 20, 2011 on Sub
Lily: The ninth circle of Hell if there's any justice.
Lily is alluding to the epic poem Inferno, the first canticle of Dante Alighieri's masterwork The Divine Comedy. In Dante's vision Hell is divided into descending circular terraces, each one reserved for the punishment of a specific sin. The ninth circle is the last one and most horrific. It punishes traitors and betrayers.
Referencing public persona of Colonel Harland Sanders, the creator and corporate symbol of Kentucky Fried Chicken. An actual Kentucky colonel, Sanders built a fast food empire based on a secret fried chicken recipe using eleven herbs and spices sold under the slogan "finger lickin' good."
Olive: Two great tastes that taste great together.
Referencing the advertising slogan of Reese's Peanut Butter Cups. In television ads an accidental collision between a person enjoying a chocolate bar and a person savoring an open jar of peanut butter would result in the mixing their snacks. After discovering the delicious synergy of their treats, the slogan would be be brightly proclaimed.
Leo Burns What in the name of Julia Child are you people doing?
Julia Child was a renowned American chef and television personality. She wrote a number of cook books sharing French culinary techniques with the general public, but became famous through her PBS cooking show The French Chef (1963-1973).
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