Pushing Daisies Season 1 Episode 5

Olive: Don't you owe it to your horse to stand up on his two legs and get out there and live?

Olive: John Joseph, you look gruh-ate!
Chuck: And you beat death! You're alive!
Olive & Chuck: Yay!

Lily: Some boys started a rumor that we were witches. They say that we turn little boys into birds.
Ned: That's...terrible.
Parrot: Rawk! Help me, help me. They turned me into a bird.
Vivian: Scares the willies outta them.

Chuck: (to Ned) You go and do whatever private secret alone thing you need to go do by yourself. Alone.

Chuck: (to Ned) How do you know there's not a ghost somewhere right now telling his ghost friend, "You don't really think there's a guy who can touch dead people back to life, do you?"

Ned: (about his father) He was emotionally stunted, afraid of getting close, definitely not the best at goodbyes...
Vivian: "Jackass" is as good a word as any.

Chuck: (to Digby) You know what we are? We're the walking dead on Halloween. If anyone should be scared, should be them.

Vivian: (about the weekly pies) I don't know how we survived without it. It's like a sex addiction! I would imagine.

Mamma Jacobs: What did you say your name was? Brandon? Butch?
Chuck: Chuck?
Mamma Jacobs: Chuck! I knew it was something unladylike.

Narrator: As the piemaker started off he realized that, for the first time in his life, he missed something more than his past. He missed his present.

Chuck: Where've you been?
Ned: Not important.
Chuck: It's important to me. I missed you.
Emerson: (mockingly, as Ned) I missed you, too.

Emerson: You can't die of evilness.
Chuck: Happens all the time you do something mean or hurtful to someone like tell a secret... Bang! You're dead.
Olive: Or Bang! You're not really dead you're just pretending to be dead while other people who think you're dead are heartbroken.
Emerson: Or Bang! You talk too much and you both go wait in the car.

Olive: Maybe John Joseph is coming back from the dead.
Emerson: Or someone wants to give that impression. Maybe Gordon know more than he's letting on. We gotta look inside.
Olive: Maybe John Joseph faked his death, people do that all the time.
Emerson: No they don't
Olive: Yeah they do. Sometimes they just don't even try to cover it up. They just show up and ruin your life like no one's ever going to figure it out, but then you do figure it out because you're not an idiot. Are you an idiot?
Emerson: No, because an idiot might misunderstand what you're saying and hit you with a shovel.

Narrator: Lucas Shoemaker had also been a frequent visitor to the Winner's Circle. Then, upon reaching the age of 45 years, three weeks, four days, and four hours old, he retired for a second time... permanently.

Vivian: Is that clock right? It's 2 o'clock in the a.m.!?!
Lily: (scoffs) I'll get my gun.
Vivian: And I'll get the candy bowl.

Ned: Can you not sing?
Gordon: If I don't sing, I throw up.
Emerson: Sing.

Chuck: (about John Joseph Jacobs) What if he changes when his blood sugar drops?
Olive Like a hypoglycemic werewolf!

John Joseph Jacobs: Swizzle sticks, we're out of crackers.

Olive: I love "In-charge Ned."

Emerson: That's a big trophy.
Mamma Jacobs: Yes, that one belongs to me. This is Johnny's final resting place: his ashes.
Emerson: His ashes?
Olive: Then what did you bury at his funeral?
Momma Jacobs: All the gold.
(Emerson starts to stand up)
Olive: His horse.

Olive: Sweet Secretariat!

Chuck: (about Ned) You used to believe in ghosts. He used to think my aunts' house was haunted. We had a seance there one night... he peed his pants.
Ned: I did not... I knocked the hors d'oeuvres plate into my lap and the brie was runny.
Emerson: I'd stick with the pissing my pants story

Olive: (talking about Ned to Chuck) When he sees all this you are going to be one sorry little zombie. Seriously, you are so... dead.

Olive: Ned hates Halloween, you know. Makes him moodier than a pumpkin full of PMS.

Chuck: Run, save yourself!
Olive: No, no! She's after me, not you. Tell Ned I love... his pies!

(Emerson smacks Mamma Jacobs off her horse with the shovel)
Emerson: Hehehehe! I love you, shovel!

Olive: How do you know I'm still single?
Mamma Jacobs: Well. You wouldn't need all that bait if your belly were full of fish, dear.

Emerson: There's a legless skeleton of a horse in John Jacobs' tomb, and Olive knows you're dead.
Chuck: First of all, huh? And secondly, Olive thinks that I faked my death which is completely different to knowing that I'm dead.
Emerson: Yeah, different like purple and mauve.

(Ned goes to touch Lucas again)
Ned: I assure you Mr. Shoemaker. Justice will be served.
Lucas: Wai'. Eckthept...
Emerson: Here it is. Except what?
Lucas: Hez bev.
Chuck: Who's dead?
Lucas: Dum daff ee davib. In big rego affwap.
Chuck: John Joseph Jacobs died seven years ago, he saw it.
Lucas: If gob giff me.
Emerson: His goat killed you?
Lucas: Uh. GOP. Gop! (makes ghost noises) And if gumin eff came again.
(Ned touches him, he dies again)
Ned: That sounded like...
Chuck: A ghost... a ghost killed him.
Ned: And he's going to kill again!

(Ned brings Lucas back to life)
Ned: Hi.
Lucas: Uhn. Hi. (spits out tooth)
Emerson: Ugh.
Ned: This may seem like asking the obvious... but were you trampled by a horse?
Lucas: Yeah. Um af a bebe.
Ned: They... put a bomb... in your day bed?
Lucas: No! Um afa came eh.
Chuck: John Joseph Jacobs killed you?
Lucas: Yeah.
Ned: How can you understand him?
Chuck: I was in full orthodentic headgear for three years.
Ned: When?
Chuck: Puberty!
Ned: But you always had nice teeth.
Chuck: My aunts told me it was a form of birth control.
Lucas: Tha' frucks.
Chuck: Yeah, it did suck.
Emerson: Can we get on with this, please?
Ned: So, you're sure John Joseph Jacobs killed you?
Lucas: Yeah.

Ned: Is this a bad idea? Olive as a client? It's a little too close for comfort.
Emerson: Oh hang on a second, let me ask the money! (mimes getting a phone out of his jacket) Hey money! It's me, Emerson. I'm good. I'm good, yeah, thanks for asking. Say, can I still pay my bills and buy stuff with you even though you was Olive's money first? Uh-huh.
Ned: Wa... (Emerson quiets him with a hand gesture)
Emerson: Yeah, haha, okay then. Thanks! (hangs up imaginary phone) Hehehehehe (turns serious) The money don't care. Touch him.

Emerson: What did you compete about?
Olive: Promise you won't laugh?
Emerson: No.
Olive: I used to be a professional horse jockey.
Emerson: Hahahaha! (mimics riding a horse) Hahahaha!

Olive: Yesterday, a farrier named Lucas Shoemaker was found dead. Trampled.
Emerson: Why should I care about a dude that sells fur coats?
Olive: Not a furrier, a farrier. Air.
Emerson: Fair-rier?
Olive: It's a blacksmith. Puts shoes on horses.
Emerson: Don't try to act like that's a word everybody knows.

Emerson: Check please.
(Olive throws a bundle of cash on the table)
Emerson: ...or cash. Cash is good.
(Emerson takes cash and puts it under the table)
Olive: I wanna hire you. Technically I already have since you were so grabby with the cash.
Emerson: Think of it as in escrow. Between my thighs. What's the case?

(in Chuck's thoughts)
Olive: (to Aunts Lily and Vivian) Ladies, I love your tea, and your house is so cute! Oh, by the way, Chuck's alive!
(Lily and Vivian's heads explode with coloured tissue)

Olive: Jiminy Chrispies!