Emerson: The Geek ain't the killer, the Geek is dead. Black Magic Woman killed him. She took that dangling carrot and jammed it in that damn fool's head.
Chuck: It might not be the cement that killed him. We could chisel open that block and find a murder weapon like a Mojave rattlesnake or a hidden hypodermic needle that The Great Herrmann unknowingly injected himself with whilst contorting.
Emerson: Or we could chisel open that block and find he drowned in cement.
Ned: I get anxiety-related acid reflux at the mere mention of magic. Ralston, you wet yourself. We're two grown men with dad-related body fluid issues.
Maurice: (to Ned) Did Herrmann tell you Ralston wet himself when Dad disappeared? It was years before we could perform a disappearing act without having to use a mop.
Ned: (to Maurice and Ralston about their father) In my defense, you badgered me a little and considerable time has passed. Probably sound like some horrible missionary showing up and telling the natives they're worshiping a false god, but you kind of are.
Ned: I'm sure he wouldn't have disappeared unless he had to. He's an important man. He probably had important man-matters to attend to.
The Geek: I eat glass and nails and regurgitate fish, frogs and mice. I'm working my way up to a kitten.
Narrator: Sadly, The Great Herrmann had failed to escape his great Escape. His untimely expiration was deemed by the authorities to be accidental death due to aggravated cemage.
Emerson: You can't just flash some jazz hands and then abracadabra, brotherly love.
Ned: What he said. There should be a grace period, then a getting to know you period, then a dinner on a national holiday.
The Great Herrmann: I sense you're a great investigator of things unsolved … named after a poet and a fish.
Emerson: Mm-hmm. I sense you better give me back my wallet 'fore I make my foot disappear up your…
The Great Herrmann: I'm curious, do pet detectives get paid more than the other kind?
Emerson: Uh, pet detectives get paid a whole lot more, you need to get to… prestidigitating a little more green if you want to get serious.
The Great Herrmann: Blow on my hands.
Emerson: Man, give me my damn money.
Ned: The Great Herrmann is dead. He died from "Cementia" on stage with the rest of this scarf around his neck.
Emerson: I knew I shouldn't have came in here. I knew it. I should have took my ass home, turned off my phone, and got up under the covers, but no-o-o.
Emerson: Here I was just about to tell you all to shut the hell up, and then you stopped talking so I didn't have to.
The Great Hermann: (to Ned) Hello! Excuse me, excuse me. I feel I should hug you. Can I give you a big hug? I'm already hugging you, and there's nothing you can do about it.
Olive: I want a hug!
The Great Hermann: I'm not made of hugs.
The Great Herrmann: I live to amaze another day!
Narrator: But not another day after that.
Olive: You turned your assistant into a bunny?
The Great Herrmann: My assistant has always been a bunny.
Olive: Oh, I… I just wanted to see if he knew that.
Emerson: While we can appreciate and sympathize with your predicament, Mr. Herrmann…
The Great Herrmann: Please, call me Great.
Narrator: Lily lived in fear that one day Vivian would discover her betrayal and settle her hash. And today that hash-settling day has come one day closer.
Vivian: Oh, I don't think we were ever mackerels.
Dwight: Oh, you were always a mackerel. See, whenever I saw that picture, I would say…
Lily: "Holy mackerel." Yeah, I heard that one coming from around the corner. It was wearing tap shoes.
Ned: It's all very confusing. There's murdered magic dads and the promise of taste pate with tuna sauce.
Emerson: What do you think you were saying in your head? Cause that ain't what came out of your mouth.
Emerson: Honey, you been spurned, and next to the spurned lover, the spurned employee rides shotgun. On the homicide chuck wagon.
Vivian: Charles has been dead for 20 years.
Dwight: I've been in prison for 22.
Vivian: Emotional or Federal?
Dwight: I'm going to say yes to both.
Vivian: I can only say yes to one.
Ned: Have you been crank-calling Lily again.
Chuck: Umm, not recently. Although that does depend on how you define "recently."
The Geek: I would have eaten anything for that man!
Emerson: The boo-hoo bosom done dried up.
Chuck: Well, my boo-hoo bosom is plump and brimming with milk.
Olive: Isn't it funny how easy it is to remain calm when everyone else is freaking out?
Narrator: While Lily was giving Dwight the stink-eye with the only eye she had, her sister Vivian had set her eyes on something much sweeter.
Lilly: Do you have a point to this visit? Or did you just stop by for snorts and giggles?
Dwight: Snorts and giggles are the raisins in my oatmeal.
The Great Herrmann: What do you tell a couple of kids you've never met that their dad, who you've never met, has just dropped them like they were hot? You can't sugarcoat that turd.
Chuck: What do you got against a magic show? There's sequins and drama and the promise of bloodshed...
Olive: Next to pageants, they're my favorite thing.
Ned: They give me acid reflux.
Olive: Oh, here, have a lozenge.
Ned: A magic lozenge that'll make me forget they're putting on a magic show, which is the same kind of show my dad put on, so what they're pulling out of their magic hats isn't a rabbit, it's my childhood trauma. They're wearing it like a cape and taking it to the stage.
Emerson: A magic show? Where did I put that rat's ass I could give? Magic ain't nothing but a voodoo grift.
Ned: I love magic. As much as I love other forms of popular entertainment, like Boxarate tae-kill-do cage fighting or monster trucks on ice.
Germany: February 18, 2009 on ProSieben
Slovakia: August 13, 2010 on Markiza
Czech Republic: November 3, 2010 on Prima COOL
Finland: February 6, 2011 on Sub
Sy Richardson appears but has no dialogue.
Fred Willard is billed as Special Guest Star.
The Great Herrmann: I sense you are a great investigator of things unsolved, named after a poet and a fish.
Referencing noted American man of letters Ralph Waldo Emerson (1803-1882). Not only a poet but also a noted essayist and religious philosopher, Emerson's poems celebrated nature and history. He is considered to be one of America's seminal and most profound writers.
Olive: Magically delicious little devils.
Referring the slogan from the Lucky Charms television commercials. Lucky Charms are a children's breakfast cereal produced by General Mills since 1963. The cartoon TV commercials feature Lucky the Leprechaun using his magic powers to protect his cereal from pursuing youngsters. His catch phrase in the commercial was: "They're magically delicious!"
Emerson: Eight years of carrot dangling, while the Bobbsey Twins passed you by?
The Bobbsey Twins were the lead characters in a long running series of children's novels published from 1904 to 1979. Actually two sets of twins (Nan and Bert, Flossie and Freddie), they were inseparable companions for numerous adventures.
Emerson: What are you going to do? Use your Wonder Twins powers?
The Wonder Twins were heroic characters who first appeared on The All New Super Friends Hour (1977) and one or two subsequent versions. The alien siblings Zan and Jayna had super powers that could only be activated by touching hands. Jayna could magically assume the shape of any animal, while Zan was limited to various forms of water. They typically activated their powers while saying "Wonder Twin powers, activate!"
Emerson: But, Shazam! I have a ticket.
Shazam is the magic word that transforms boy reporter Billy Batson into Captain Marvel, the World's Mightiest Mortal. Shazam was also the name of the 1974-1977 Saturday morning live action TV series featuring Captain Marvel.
References the refrain from the popular 1974 song Magic by Pilot. Incidentally, this song was used in one of the promo spots for the second season of Pushing Daisies.