Lindsay and Melanie have a bris for their new baby Gus, which Brian decides to miss until Michael convinces him otherwise. Brian decides to crash the party and put his parental foot down. Justin seeking to regain the attention of Brian decides to make himself noticed at Babylon. Meanwhile, Brian's involvement as the father of Gus causes some relationship strain between Lindsay and Melanie. Michael attempting to continue his straight act, runs into a co-worker in front of the gay bars. Also, Ted finally gets lucky with a guy who he's been denying the advances of all night, but ends up with devastating results.moreless
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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus
Emmett "Em" Honeycutt
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt
Michael Charles Novotny
God in Gold
Guy at the Door
In Ted's apartment, there is a picture of him, Michael and Emmett at Babylon. Judging by the clothes, the picture was taken from the first scene of The Pilot.
Debbie: (talking about Brian) What's eating him? Or isn't? (she laughs)
Michael: None of your business.
Debbie: You watch your mouth.
Michael: Why do you have to come here?
Debbie: Well, Vic was feeling better, so we thought we'd come here after my shift and have a drink. What's the big deal?
Michael: The big deal is that I came here to hang out with my friends, not my mother.
Debbie: Sweetie, you know I approve of your lifestyle.
Michael: Well maybe I don't want you to approve. Maybe I want you to go home and cry.
Justin: You know, I'm actually looking for a friend of Michael's. His name's Brian.
Vic: Could have guessed that.
Debbie: Honey, everybody's looking for Brian.
Justin: Have you seen him?
Daphne: That's Brian? God, he's so old! And skinny. You could do way better than that.
Justin: Would you shut up?
Deb and Vic are watching Brian, who has his eyes on a trick over at the bar.
Debbie: Five bucks says he nails him before midnight.
Vic: You're on.
Michael: Where's Brian?
Ted: Looking after the only dick that matters - his own.
(Melanie and Lindsay walk in, Melanie's pissed.) Lindsay: Should I freeze this or toss it? (Melanie slams the dish on the counter, then storms to the dining room.) Lindsay: I'd rather not have it around when I'm trying to get back into shape... (Lindsay walks into the dining room.) Lindsay: So how long is this gonna go on? Or do you plan never to speak to me ever again? Melanie: (slams dish) What would you like me to say? Lindsay: Anything. Melanie: All right, how about "I have a house full of uneaten cold cuts and an uncircumcised son!" How's that?! (picks up some plates and storms to the kitchen) Lindsay: (sips some orange juice) Look, (follows Melanie into the kitchen) Brian's gonna take out the insurance policy, at least he's agreed to do that. That's something, isn't it? Melanie: Oh, my consolation prize! Lindsay: Well, it was important enough to you last week! Melanie: So was this afternoon, but now I have been humiliated in front of our friends, my relatives, Rabbi Protesh... Where's the goddamn plastic wrap? (Lindsay hands it to her, Melanie snatches out of Lindsay's hand.) Melanie: And you let him do it! Lindsay: Me? Melanie: You're the one who decided to call off the brisk. Of course, I know it's not very important to you or Brian but it happens to be a very important ritual in my family. Lindsay: You know there are a lot of men who think circumcision is a cruel and barbaric practice? Melanie: (slams the refrigerator shut) I don't care what men think about their dicks! I care that you put Brian before me, but, you know, why should I be surprised? You always have! Lindsay: Oh, for Christ's sake, are we really gonna go through this again? I don't want to have this conversation! Melanie: Yeah, and I didn't want Brian to be the baby's father in the first place. But no, you had to have it your way, it had to be Brian or no one! So now he's a part of our lives forever! Whether we like it or not!
Emmett: What's "tacky little cocksucker" in Japanese?
Emmett: The worst part is not that he's unfaithful, or even a slut. Even though he's perfect. It's that he said he loves me. I mean, he lied to me!
Brian: How can he lie to you? He doesn't speak English!
Michael: Look, I'm the one who told you that. I'm sorry.
Emmett: My own fault. Why do I always give my heart away to trash, huh?
Brian: Because you want to see it in a dumpster?
Lindsay: Look it doesn't matter who's right. We can't allow Brian to come between us as much as he'd like to.
Melanie: And you know he would.
Lindsay: Even if he is the father, we'll still the parents. You and me. Gus belongs to us, and that's why we had him.
Melanie: No, you had him. Aside from saying 'push and breath' I really don't have that much to do with it.
Lindsay: You have everything to do with it. I never would have had him without you. Just remember that next time you're wondering who comes first.
Michael: Blake just winked at you.
Ted: He's got some crystal-meth in his eye.
Michael: He did it again! I told you, he likes you. Why don't you just go and ask him to dance?
Ted: Coz he'll just say, 'Come back when you get a hair transplant or some liposuction.'
Michael: You do not need hair transplant or liposuction. Besides, nobody would be that cruel to you, except maybe yourself.
Ted: (talking to a trick) Hey, how're you doing? ... Good, glad to hear it. (talking to another trick) Hey, how's it going? ... Ah, yeah, no complains, thanks. Hey, hey, can I buy you a drink?
Michael: Yeah, I'll take a beer.
Ted: (shocked, turning back to the source of voice) Oh, it's you.
Michael: Oh, fuck you! (smiling like a crazy person)
Ted: What are you on?
Michael: Nothing. A little Brian's mix. Any luck?
Ted: Well, I'm headed for an all time season record: eight straight, actually make that not so straight no hitters.
Brian: Target sighted. All systems go. See you later, Mikey.
Emmett: Time to organize a search party.
Michael: Who's missing?
Emmett: Katsuo! I was talking to dungeon master Don, who wants to mummify me. Have you noticed that the world's getting weirder? Anyway, I turned around, and he was gone.
Michael : I have a feeling he'll be alright.
Emmett: He doesn't speak a word of English! And… and he's so sweet, so innocent. What if some hot, hungry queen tries to have his way with it?
Brian: I thought you already did.
Michael: What the fuck did you do that for? Practically got us engaged!
Brian: I wanna dance with the bride at her wedding. And Tracy too.
Michael: I'm not baby-sitting him again. This time he's all yours!
Michael: He's over there talking to my mother, you little prick!
Brian: Leave him alone. He's alright.
Michael: ... Excuse me? The noise's so loud in here I thought I heard you said he's alright.
Brian: In fact, it's kind of sweet.
Justin: Remember me?
Debbie: Turn around. I never forget a butt, especially a cute one.
(Justin and Daphne walk into Woody's.)
Michael: Double shit!
Ted: What now?
Michael: It's him, our teen stalker!
Daphne: Oh my God, look at that! Is that a girl, or a boy?
Justin: Don't point! No matter what you see. Guys kissing guys, girls kissing girls...
Daphne: Well, what if I see a guy and a girl kissing huh? That'll be something different down here.
Michael: You know, it is possible that someone can actually like you, you know.
Ted: Yeah, it's possible. However, I'm sure a statistical analysis would reveal that the probability for a guy named 'Blake' who looks like that actually liking a guy named 'Ted', who looks like me to be in the... .05 percentile. In other words, practically zip. Anyway, I'm sure Brian's more his type.
Michael: How'd you know that?
Ted: Because Brian's everybody's type. Explains why he's had everybody.
Ted: I know, I know, except for you. It's just kind of weird when you think about it.
Michael: Weird? He's my best friend!
Michael: So everybody knows you don't have sex with your friends!
Ted: Oh right! Sex is something you only have with a complete stranger, people you'll never see again unless you just bump into him on the street but never with someone who might actually give a shit about it.
Michael: ...I know that guy, he works out in our gym. Ah... Blake! I think he likes you.
Ted: Oh yeah, how could you tell?
Michael: Coz he's looking back.
Ted: Probably just stretching his neck.
Michael: Will you listen to you?
Michael: Always putting yourself down!
Ted: Well, better me than them, I'm Chandler.
Michael: Doesn't sound like it.
Debbie: Okay boys, what'd it be?
Emmett: Nothing for me, thanks.
Debbie: Em, honey, you should try to eat some of your protein off a plate!
Emmett: I read, that for every 30 pounds you lose, you gain an entire inch of cock.
Debbie: So, if you've just dropped another 90 pounds, you'll have a four-inched pecker!
Ted: I've always said there're only two reasons to be friends with lesbians: now, never try to convince them that the only reason you're gay is that you haven't met the right woman, and ah... they know how to change a flat.
Brian: Deb, can we get some service?
Debbie: Keep your pants on, at least until you've had dinner.
Melanie: What the hell do you think you're doing? Barging in here, interrupting a religious ceremony?
Brian: You should have asked my permission first!
Melanie: For what?
Brian: To circumcise my son!
Melanie: We don't have to ask your permission, we're the parents!
Brian: And I'm the biological father and that gives me more rights than you.
Melanie: I see someone's been studying his law.
Lindsay: Look, this is no time to be having this conversation! We have a house full of guests.
Melanie: Yeah, and since when did you start caring about your son considering you haven't been to see him once since he was born.
Brian: Well I'm not exactly welcome.
Melanie: Oh, bull shit! You've been too busy fucking everything that moves.
Lindsay: Could we please stop this? Why does it matter to you if Gus' circumcised?
Brian: It matters that he's been in this world less than a week and already there're people who won't accept him for the way he is. Who'd even mutilate him rather than let him be the way he is. The way he was born. Well, I'm not gonna let that happen.
Lindsay: This is rabbi Protesh, he'll be doing the brisk. Emmett: Oh I love pot roast. (Rabbi Protesh laughs.) Ted: That's brisket! I believe in the Jewish faith the brisk is a circumcision ceremony.
(Katsuo talks away in Japanese.) Katsuo: Kane. Kane. Ted: ...Yeah, okay, alright. Let's go ask Melanie. She's fluent in sushi. Come, come, come come. (guiding him to Melanie) Melanie: (talking to someone on camera) Haha... Okay, have a bagel. Ted: Hi. Okay, cut. Great, look, we need you to translate. (to Katsuo) Talk to Melanie. Melanie speaks all Axis powers. (Katsuo begins to tell his story while Melanie listens.) Michael: He's saying Kane. Melanie: Yeah... (pulling Michael away from Katsuo) Kane's money! He says he expects Emmett to pay him. Michael: For what? Melanie: He's God damned male prostitute! Michael: Oh shit! (Emmett walks over to Katsuo before Michael could stop him.) Katsuo: Kane! Emmett: Come, come, sweetie. Michael: Melanie says, Kane means... (long pause) ...love. He says he loves your voice. It's like a silent wind chime, and your smile is like cherry blossoms floating on a still breeze. Emmett: That... That is... That is the most beautiful thing that anyone has ever said to me.
Ted: Where did you find him?
Emmett: He found me. I was having drinks in the loser lounge, he came afterwards, chattering away, only he doesn't speak any English and the only Japanese I know is Sony and Toyota.
Michael: So how do you communicate with him?
Emmett: There're other ways than talking.
Ted: We all know it's not polite to talk with your mouth full.
Emmett: Ain't he gorgeous? His name's Cock-tsuo (Katsuo).
Michael: (talking to Brian in the steam room) Well, I was just about to say, I think you should rise to the occasion you know, we... bigger than they are. That is if you can take you hand and your mind off your dick long enough.
Michael: So why punish him by not going?
Brian: Look, it's not if he's gonna know I'm not there.
Michael: Can't be sure. I read some place...
Brian: Where? Marvel Comics?
Michael...that infants respond to things even when still in the wombs like, for instance, tension and discord affect them adversely while playing Mozart and stuff like that makes them super smart.
Brian: Well how do you think listening to the sound of two dykes go down on each other for the past nine months has affected him? Christ, he'll probably grow up to be straight.
Michael: All the more reason why he needs his dad!
Michael: Still being there that day, I realized how different men and women are, and I don't think it has anything to do with being gay or straight. It's that, the way I see it, women know how to commit to each other; men don't. At least not the men I know!
Michael: (Voiceover) Seeing them in their beautiful home with their new baby and their arms around each other, I wished for a moment that I, too, could be a lesbian. But then I remembered I'd have to eat pussy, so I said forget it.
Brian: My son. He's only my son when they want my money.
Katsuo: (holding a glass of juice in his hand) Jews?
Emmett: No no no. (pointing at people) Jews. (pointing the glass) Juice.
(Emmett turns to Michael.)
Emmett: He gives specific grammar, a whole new meaning.
Music in this Episode:
"Ishai's Freylekh" by The Flying Bukgar Klezmer Band;
"Walking In Wonderland" courtesy of MasterSource;
"Up Yours" by Jeff Peacock; "Showtime" by Trigbag;
"Superstar" by Novy vs. Eniac;
"Banana" by Pod; "Go 48 (Bass Mix)" by DJ Matt C;
"Take Me, Love Me (Squeeze Me Baby)" by Friburn & Urik;
"Dive in the Pool" by Barry Harris;
"Bingo Bango" by Basement Jaxx;
"Here's a Little Something" by Joe Quaranto;
"The Only Way is Up" by The Kinky Boyz;
"The Music (Razor n Guido Club Mix)" by Orang'e;
"Let's Hear it For the Boy" by Katty B.
According to the DVD (Season 1), The original "pilot" was suppose to be composed of episodes 101, 102, and 103. But they decided to change their minds because it was "too long", and just made it from episodes 101, and 102.
Ted: Melanie speaks all Axis powers.
The Axis powers were the opponents of the Allied forces during World War II. The three countries that formed the main members of the major Axis powers were Germany, Japan and Italy.
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