Michael stays in the closet at work, which causes some problems with an interested co-worker while at the same time he struggles with feelings of jealousy over Brian's relationship with Justin.
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Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny
Melanie 'Mel' Marcus
Emmett "Em" Honeycutt
Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt
Michael Charles Novotny
Mr. George Goodfuk
Michael's first sexual encounter happened at 14 (15 tops), when Brian gave him a handjob. Michael doesn't think it should count because he didn't climax (his mother walked in without knocking).
Ted: How bout another round on me?
Brian: I got a better idea. Lets move on.
Michael: What's wrong with here?
Brian: I've had everyone here.
Ted: My problem precisely.
Michael: You haven't had me.
Brian: (smiles) Oh yeah?
Brian: Oh, shit. Just what I need. What's-his-name.
Michael: Justin. His name is Justin. If I can remember it and I didn't even fuck him, why can't you?
Brian: Because I did.
Brian: I had to piss during that whole pitch. Didn't think I could hold it.
Client: Your presentation was very impressive.
Brian: (looks over) Think so?
Client: (grinning) Yeah, it was very impressive.
Brian: Well I'm glad you liked it. Because that's what we're here for. To please the client.
Brian: (pitching his ad campaign) The difference between our beer and their beer is that our beer says...sex. Not Clydesdales. If you want to be cool, if you want to be popular, if you want to get... laid... this is what you drink.
Ted: Brian Kinney, a father.
Michael: It's true. I was there. I saw it happen with my own eyes.
Ted: Talk about conceiving the inconceivable. Or is it the other way around.
Brian: (looking at himself in the mirror) I'll fuck you!
Debbie: Shoot! I bet that'll be the first time tonight, am I right?
Michael: Ha-ha... I'll have the chicken fried steak, no remarks, and he'll have a bacon cheeseburger.
Debbie: (to Justin) Gotta keep your strength up sunshine, you can't cruise all night on an empty stomach (walking away)
Justin: What a freak!
Michael: Yeah, she takes time to get used to but once you do, can't help but love her.
Justin: Dirty Dancing. That's a really old movie.
Justin: I said that's a really old movie.
Brian: It's not that old.
Justin: How old are you?
Brian: How old do you think I am?
Brian: Fuck you.
Michael: He's 29.
Brian: And fuck you too! What did you tell him for?
Michael: Fair's fair.
Ted: We all know what that means. In a few months, he'll be 30. Might as well be dead?
Brian: Well, you ought to know. You already are.
Brian: Oh shit! Just what I need. What's his name?
Michael: Justin! His name's Justin. If I can remember, and I didn't even fuck him, why can't you?
Brian: Because I did?
(Brian approaches Justin, standing beside him.)
Brian: So Dawson, how're things down at the creek?
Brian: Well the answer's no. Definitely not.
Melanie: I don't understand the problem, I mean, Lindsay told me you offered to help support him.
Lindsay: It was very generous.
Brian: Well that's different than a life insurance policy.
Melanie: It's simply in case something happens to you.
Brian: Like I'm decapitated on a railroad crossing. Or burned beyond recognition in some gas explosion. You know, I can just imagine the grisly deaths you conned it up for me.
Melanie: Like in case you get sick.
Brian: (pausing)...Ah. Even better.
Melanie: Considering your life, when's the last time you're tested.
Brian: Six months ago! I was negative.
Melanie: That's twenty-six weeks and a hundred and eighty-two one-night stands.
Brian: You know I've always admired people who can multiply in their heads. And I'm always careful.
Lindsay: Look. This isn't for us. It's for our son. We need to make sure he'll be provided for.
Brian: And all I have to do is die.
Melanie: Hopefully not before you sign these papers. (smug-smiling at Brian)
(Michael is in a bar with Tracy and a few other straight colleagues, when Tracy starts to talk about plumbing.)
Tracy: ...I said, 'I don't care what you do. Buy some cement, get a cork, use chewing gum, but plug it up!'
Michael: Butt-plug... (laughing) Butt-plug! (laughing again)
Michael: We need a secret code word like 'Schuzame' so if I get into a tight spot you could come and rescue me.
Brian: Tight spot? How about 'butt-plug'?
Michael: Butt-plug might be a little hard to work into a conversation.
Brian: Because that's what you are, pretending you're one of them.
Michael: I couldn't help it!
Brian: Or you could've told her the truth instead of acting like a scared little faggot. You should've just said, 'I take it up the ass, sweetheart. Deal with it!'
Michael: Right, right. By the way I noticed you got the jeep repainted.
(They have finally reached the bar.)
Michael: God this place is like 'Breeders' Central'. Butt-plug, butt-plug, butt-plug, butt...
Brian: (pushing Michael down the jeep) See ya, Mikey.
Jennifer: Of all the beautiful clothes your father and I bought for you, you have to pick something that no longer fits. That is too tight.
Justin: That's why!
Michael: It was a trap!
Emmett: Hey! See that number in the red shorts?
Ted: I can work out for a hundred years and never look like that.
Michael: Pretending she didn't like her just to see what I'd say.
Emmett: Sean Peters, went home with him the other night, thinking he was this brutal top...
Michael: ...And I fell for it!
Emmett: Turns out, he's a big nelly bottom! (laughing)
Ted: I gotta tell you that!
Emmett: Ugh! It's so discouraging. Are there no real man left?
Michael: Now they're expecting me to meet them?
Ted: Steroid city?
Michael: No! In a straight bar. Is there anyone here listening?
Emmett: (speaking really fast) There's this new girl at work who's interested in you, Fat Marley tricked you into meeting her, and some of the other for a drink after work, and now you have to go or they might suspect. (changing topic) Check out Mr. Peck Deck. (back to Michael) So what if they do?
Ted: They can fire him?
Michael: Or I can end up a assistant manager for the rest of my life.
Emmett: And... the solution is to pretend you like pussy?
Ted: (sigh) Look, he's not like you okay.
Emmett: What was that supposed to mean?
Ted: Meaning he's not an obviously gay man.
Emmett: Are you accusing me of being obvious?
Ted: If the 'fuck me' pump fits.
Emmett: Ah... (putting down his barbells) What... I can be a... a real man if I wanted to. You know...
(Michael stops doing his routine, raises his eyebrows, looking at Emmett)
Emmett: ...just lower my voice, stop... gesturing with my hands, make sure my face is expressionless, never, never use words like, like 'fabulous' or 'divine'. Talk about... I don't know, (deepening his voice) nailing bitches and RBI's. But I rather my flame burn bright! Than be some puny little pilot light.
Ted: And a fabulous flame it is.
Emmett: Thank you.
Ted: Yeah, but Michael is out there in the straight world. Believe me, it isn't easy. (reassuring Michael) You do what you have to do.
Justin: There I was on my back, and there he was on top of me, slipping it in.
Daphne: That must have hurt. Didn't it hurt?
Justin: At first it felt like someone's shoving a broom up there. But, I told him to go slow and he did. Then I stopped thinking about it when I looked at his face. His eyes were closed, his mouth was open, he sort of smiled. Like he was at another place. A beautiful place, that place was me. And his body... God! His body was so amazing! I could see every muscle. He said he wanted to stay inside of me forever, and I wanted him to. I still feel him, like he's still there. Christ! Daphne, everybody talks about having sex, but I really did it!
Justin: Guess what I was doing last night?
Daphne: Sleeping? Same as me?
Justin: Having sex. All night. With that guy I met, Brian Kinney. We did it till six in the morning. (pausing) Well, aren't you shocked?
Daphne: Not really.
Justin: (disappointed) Oh.
Daphne: Well, I kinda figured that you are... you know... Even though you never told me.
Justin: Telling you now!
Daphne: Want some of my veggie wrap?
(Justin takes the food, eating it.)
Daphne: So what was it like?
Justin: Well, I started out as a tight end but wound up a wide receiver.
Michael: (v.o) Remember that story we all read in high school? You know, the one about the prisoners chained in the cave? Plato or whoever? All they could see were shadows on a wall. So, after a while, they started thinking that was reality. Well, in a way, that's what Ted's like. It's been so long since he's had sex with someone who he didn't download, he's forgotten that all those perfect bodies and perfect faces aren't real. That no one's really there. That they're only ... shadows. Then again, who ever got anal warts in a chat room?
Brian: We were up in his room. We were fourteen, fifteen tops. We were supposed to be studying, whatever. Only, we're not. We're looking at this trashy photo mag his mom swiped from the beauty parlor. Anyway, there's this shot of Patrick Swayze from Dirty Dancing... without his shirt on.
Brian: So, I've got this hard-on just from looking at it, and I glance over at Mikey and guess what? He's got one, too.
Michael: Okay, you can stop now.
Brian: (laughs) Twin stiffies. I reach over. Start rubbing it. He's practically swooning. [drops voice] I pop it out, start stroking it. Nice and slow. We're both this close. Then... his mom walks in without knocking.
Brian: I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with the maximum of pleasure, and minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in, so they can get laid. And they end up hurting each other, because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go find yourself a pretty little girl... and get married.
Brian: There's only two kinds of straight people in this world: the ones that hate you to your face and the ones that hate you behind your back.
Emmett: I only go out with men who already enlisted. So, uh, who's he look like?
Michael: Well, he's got Brian's eyes and mouth, and... Lindsay's nose.
Ted: Well, if he's got Melanie's dick, we're in big trouble.
Michael: You should see the pictures I took. He is so adorable. In one of them, he's actually playing with himself.
Ted: Who, Brian?
Michael: No, the baby.
Tracy: You've got to believe, right Mike?
Michael: Like Cher!
Vic: How am I going to pay for all of this?
Sharon Gless (Debbie) first appears in this episode , which originally aired as a 90-minute episode with the previous episode.
Music In this Episode:
"Freefall (Nettwerk Records)" by Tom Third "Wanna Mmm" by The Lawyer
"Turn It Round" courtesy of MasterSource
"Louisiette" by Prairie Oyster
"Liar Song" by Michael Chase
"Think" by Karaoke
"Mambo Lupita" by Peer Music
"Dancin' (Like It's the Last Day of My Life)" by Mike Drury
"Minimal Peach" by Greek Buck
"Sleep" by The Dandy Warhols
Brian goes back to his apartment, and sees Mr. Goodfuk lying down naked, and Brian does his "superman" jump, going to him.
This episode aired as part of the 90-minute pilot.
Brian: They'd probably tie you to a fence and bash your brains in.
This is an allusion to the brutal slaying of Matthew Shepard in 1998, who was beaten, tied to a fence and left for dead in a remote area in Wyoming.
Brian: So Dawson, how're things down at the creek? This is an obvious reference to the WB teen drama Dawson's Creek, which focused on the problems and trials of aspiring film maker Dawson Leary and his friends Joey, Pacey, Jen & Jack.
Michael: I need a secret code word like 'Shazam'.
A young boy named Billy Batson uses the magic word 'Shazam' to transform into the DC Comics superhero Captain Marvel.
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