Queer As Folk

Craig: (to Jennifer) We're sending him away to school. (to Justin) It's time you learn some discipline, how to be a man. Justin: I know all about discipline. And you should see me take it like a man. (Craig slaps him on the face.) Jennifer: Craig! Justin: It's all right Mom it didn't hurt. (to his father) If you wanna hit me, go right ahead. Only I'm not gonna cry like some little faggot. And if you wanna send me away to school that's all right too. Because I bet more butt-fucking goes on in boarding school than in the backroom of Babylon. But whatever you do, it's not gonna matter. Cause I'll still be your queer son.

Michael: Remember when my mom took me to Atlantic City, I got sick on all that saltwater taffy? Emmett: Listen to him. He's got cold feet already. Michael: I'm not getting cold feet! I just... don't know what to do for the whole weekend. Emmett: Well, let's see. First you arrive... Ted: Then you **** Emmett: Then you unpack... Ted: Then you **** Emmett: Then you go berry picking. Ted: Then you **** Michael: I mean after you **** Emmett: You talk. You get to know each other. Michael: What if I run out of things to say? What if I... say some stupid remark and he says, 'Why am I up here with this jerk?' And what if... Emmett: Hey! Hey! Would you please stop worrying? Michael: I just want him to like me. Ted: He already does. (pausing) He more than likes you. Emmett: So you go, and you have a fabulous time. And... Bring us back some berries. (Emmett puts his hand on Ted's shoulder. Michael smiles, and then Emmett starts groping Ted.) Ted: That's... not my berries.

Emmett: Alright, have we got everything? Michael: Ah... 5 pairs of jeans, 7 shirts, 4 sweaters, and 10 tees. Ted: How long you're going for? Michael: The weekend. Ted: Alright. (walks over to Michael, taking things out from the bag) One change of undies, a pack of condoms, a tube of lube. There, you're all set.

Michael: (talking on the phone) It's my neck again. I can barely move it. Emmett: (referring to Michael's clothes) Do you want the periwinkle, or the apricot? Michael: (whispering) Shhh! Emmett: (also whispering) I think the apricot goes better with your eyes. Michael: (gets back to the phone, pretending to be in agony) Ah... yeah, I... I think it'll be better in a couple of days. Oh, don't worry. I definitely plan on seeing my chiropractor. Thanks. Thanks. Bye. Ted: You know what grows when you lie. Emmett: Too bad it's your nose. Michael: I'm entitled to a couple of personal days. Ted: Michael, you're entitled to a personal life!

(There're knocking sounds on Brian's door. He opens it, and sees Michael standing there, smiling.) Brian: You got laid. Michael: I did not. Brian: Yes, you did. I can always tell. I thought you and Dave were having dinner at Deb's. Michael: Dinner's over. Brian: What? Did she scare him off? Michael: Actually she and Vic were in their best behavior. Brian: That's even scary. Listen, you can't stay, I've got someone coming over in approximate seven and a half inches, so see you tomorrow at Studs and Suds?

Brian: (talking on the phone) 6-4, quarter of Tremont. Should take you... 10 minutes? One for every inch!

(David and Michael are making out in Michael's old room.) David: I got a solution. How would you like to go away with me for the weekend? Michael: Huh? David: I got a cabin up in the woods. Michael: Will we get to see anything besides the bedroom ceiling? David: (laughing) We're nirvana. What do you say? (Michael looks into David's eyes blankly, doesn't know what to say.) Debbie: (shouting) Say yes you little asshole or I'll disown you! (David laughs again.) Michael: Like I said, it's a very small house.

Debbie: It's like Lady and the Tramp. David: Lady and the Tramp? Debbie: It's Michael's favorite movie. Michael: When I was nine! Debbie: You see lady and tramp go on this date to an Italian restaurant, and then the waiter... Vic: Tony. Debbie: What else would his name be? (laughs) ...brings over this big bowl of spaghetti and meat balls. And... ehm, and they put their heads in the bowl... They're... they're dogs. (David laughs.) Debbie: And they come out with this one single strand of spaghetti. And then they chew, and they chew... Vic: ...and get closer, and closer... Debbie: ...until finally their lips meet. Michael: (to David) It is in my estimation, the greatest screen kiss ever.

(David is having dinner at Michael's place) David: Hmmm... I'm stuffed. Thanks. Debbie: Oh come on, with that body, you're can afford to carve a load. Vic: Hey, you must work out all the time. David: Well, when I can. Debbie: Feel those biceps. (reaching over to touch David's arm) Can never resist a hard body. (laughing) Like mother like son. Vic: Like uncle. Michael: Would you two please leave him alone. Next you'll be asking what kind of car he drives and how much he makes. (David laughs. Debbie and Vic look at him, staring with anticipation.) David: I drive a Jag and I'm comfortable. Vic: Michael, if you don't marry this man immediately, I will!

Justin: You said you wouldn't tell! You promised! Jennifer: Justin, I had no choice. I had to tell Daddy. Justin: You lied to me. You said you wouldn't. Jennifer: It was for your own good. When I saw you with this... Brian... Justin: You keep calling him 'this Brian', like that's his name. It's just Brian. Jennifer: (pausing) When I saw you with... Brian, his arms around you, kissing you, I couldn't believe it! Not for the reason you think. It's not right for a man his age to be touching you! To be having sex with you. And, even though you may think you... love him, I'm sure he doesn't love you. Justin: It's not true. Craig: He's an adult! It's illegal for an adult to have sex with a minor. Jennifer: Honey, it's not your fault, we don't blame you. We understand this man... enticed you... Justin: He didn't entice me; I wanted him! Craig: Justin... God! You're... you're too young to know what you want.. Jennifer: Craig, please, you promised you'd stay calm. Craig: I... I am calm. And what about AIDS? Justin: We wore a condom. I put it onto him myself. Craig: Oh! God! I'm calling the police. Jennifer: You're not calling anybody, there's no use for everybody to know. Craig: Wait, you want this monster, this... child molester to go free? Justin: He didn't molest me and I'm not a child. (looking at Jennifer) I love him... more than anything else in my life. It's all I want - it's to be with him. Craig: I... don't ever want to hear you say that again, and you are not to see him. Justin: I'm going to see him. I don't care what you say. Craig: I don't think so. (Justin just walks away from his parents.) Craig: No you're not Justin. Hey Justin!

(David approaches Michael with a bouquet of flowers.) Michael: Hi. (David kisses Michael on the lips.) Michael: (looking at the flowers) These are great. My mom will love these. David: (laughs) Those are in the car; those are for you. Emmett: (comes over to get the flowers, whispering) The second sign: flowers. (to David) I'll just put these in some water. David: (puzzled) Everything alright? Brian: He's allergic to boyfriends bringing bouquets.

Michael: What're you doing here? Brian: I'm hungry, let's go get something to eat. Michael: I'm going to my mom's, remember? Brian: Oh, right, ding-ding with doc. I forgot. Michael: He's gonna be here any minute, so you better go. Brian: (opens a box) What's this? Michael: Choco Éclairs from the Big Q bakery. I bought them for dess... (Brian puts the whole bun into his mouth, in one single mouthful.) Emmett: Wow, it takes years of practice, develop technique like that. Michael: (comes over to Brian, taking over the box) Look, I know you don't like him... Brian: Who said I don't like him? And why do you give a fuck what I think? Emmett: I've been saying that for years. Brian: What matters is what you think. If you like him, that's all's important. (looking at Emmett) Even though he is... quite a bit older than you, and lives in a world you know nothing about. Emmett: Shut-up! Michael: Are you saying he's too good for me? Brian: Nobody's too good for you Mikey, you're better than anyone. Michael: Because he happens to think I'm hot. You know, some people do! Brian: Haven't I always told you that? (kisses Michael on the lips)

(Someone's knocking on the door.) Emmett: Woo... That must be prince charming. (Emmett runs to the door, opens it, and finds Brian standing there.) Emmett: Make that the wicked witch.

Brian: (to Michael) Don't forget about this Friday. Justin: What's this Friday? Brian: You're too young to know. Justin: Tell me! Ted: It's just some hidden ritual called 'Studs and Suds'. Justin: Studs and Suds? What's that? (Brian looks over to Michael, and Michael shakes his head.) Emmett: Well, (clears throat) first they flood the dance floor of Babylon with soap suds... Ted: ...then everyone strips down to their underdies... Emmett: ...or less, and dances. Chi-chi-chi... (bumps Ted with his butt) Justin: Sounds awesome! Ted: It's disgusting! Emmett: See you there? Ted: Can't wait!

Justin: Guess what did I got today. Brian: A new bell for your bicycle? Justin: A nipple ring... (showing Brian the ring) Brian: Every piece of trash has something stuck through their ear, and their nose, or their belly button, their cock. What makes you think I'm even remotely interested that you have a ring through your tit?

Emmett: I say he walks like a boyfriend... Ted: ...and talks like a boyfriend... Emmett and Ted: Then he must be a boyfriend! Brian: Would you two please shut the fuck up? I think it's great that Mikey's got a steady. Michael: He's not a steady! We went out twice! Ted: Around here, that's a long-term relationship. Emmett: Next thing you know, you'll be exchanging rings... Ted: Hmmm... And then there'll be one of those commitment ceremonies; where like, all 200 of the guests have slept with one, or not the both of them. Emmett: Just, ehm, promise me you won't wear matching white suits. Michael: There is no way that is ever going to happen. Emmett: Well, then I suggest you, watch out for the warning signs. Michael: What warning signs? Ted: Like when he brings you flowers... Emmett: ...or, or invites you away for a romantic weekend to the country. Ted: Not that you'll see much beside the bedroom ceiling. (Emmett laughs) Brian: Your shot, Mikey. Emmett: Oh, or the most tell-tell sign of all: when he meets your mother, and ah... she invites him over for dinner. (Michael hits the cue ball right off the pool table.)

Jennifer: Craig? Are you going to say anything? Craig: Justin's not gay. Those new drawings you found there, probably just an assignment for art class. And the underwear, I'm sure he just bought it for himself. Jennifer: It's not his size. Craig: Still that's no reason to suspect that he's... Jennifer: He told me himself. Craig: So what? That doesn't mean anything. A lot of kids say that. They're confused, they're scared... Jennifer: He's not confused, he's not scared; he knows. The same way we've always known. Craig: No, no, I've not always known. Jennifer: At least suspected. Craig: No, you suspected. He's not gay! He's... Jennifer: What? Sensitive? Different? Artistic?

Michael: Ma, this is David. I... I thought tonight was your night off. Debbie: I, ah... Loraine got food poisoning. (pointing to the plate) I thought it was the shish kebab. (David immediately drops the shish kebab that he was about to eat, terrified.) Debbie: (laughing) Just kidding!

Michael: I'm so sorry, I promised I would not mention his name for 10 minutes. David: I can settle for 5. (Michael smiles.) David: And if you going to stop smiling like that. Michael: (smiles) What? David: Like that. It makes me wanna come across the table and eat you like a dessert. Michael: Would you like some whip cream with that sir?