Queer as Folk

Season 1 Episode 4

Ted's Not Dead

Aired Sunday 10:00 PM Dec 17, 2000 on Showtime
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Episode Summary

Ted's Not Dead

While Ted lies in a drug-induced coma, Brian learns he's named the executor of his friend's living will; Justin decides to take a chance on a situation where he could seduce (in terms of jerking off) a fellow classmate; Justin's mother suspects the truth about her son's sexuality after finding some drawings of naked men in his sketch book; Michael and Emmett try to remove incriminating evidence (porn, 33 dildos... don't ask) from Ted's apartment but discover Ted's longtime crush on Michael.


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Sharon Gless

Sharon Gless

Deborah 'Debbie' Jane Grassi Novotny

Michelle Clunie

Michelle Clunie

Melanie 'Mel' Marcus

Peter Paige

Peter Paige

Emmett "Em" Honeycutt

Scott Lowell

Scott Lowell

Theodore 'Ted' Schmidt

Gale Harold

Gale Harold

Brian Kinney

Hal Sparks

Hal Sparks

Michael Charles Novotny-Bruckner

Carol Anderson

Carol Anderson


Guest Star

Craig Lund

Craig Lund

Prettiest Boy

Guest Star

Martin Samuel

Martin Samuel

Male Nurse

Guest Star

Sherry Miller

Sherry Miller

Jennifer Taylor

Recurring Role

Alec McClure

Alec McClure

Christian Hobbs

Recurring Role

Jack Wetherall

Jack Wetherall

Vic Grassi

Recurring Role

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (1)

    • Emmett's home town is Hazlehurst, Mississippi; where he was ostracized by the community for being gay so badly that the mailman would spit at him.

  • QUOTES (32)

    • Brian: I want it to be you.
      Michael: What?
      Brian: I want it to be you! I'll put it in writing.
      Michael: I want it to be you too. You pull my plug.
      Brian: And you pull mine.

    • Ted: It always look so much smaller.
      Michael: What does?
      Ted: Your life, especially after returning from a near death experience.
      Michael: Like watching the Oscars. (lowering his voice) Immediately proceeded by...
      Ted and Michael: The Barbara Walter's Special!
      Ted: I'm glad you're here.
      Michael: You are? Well, ah... I... uhm...
      Ted: What?
      Michael: I'm... ah... I'm glad you're here too.
      (Ted smiles.)
      Michael: And if you ever wanna talk about this, or other stuff...
      Ted: Other stuff?
      Michael: You know, if there's some... You know, something you can't talk about.
      Ted: Like what?
      Michael: I don't know. You know, maybe if you talk about it, it might help it? But, you, ah, you might not get what you want. But... Oh shit!
      Brian: (interrupting the conversation) Are you going to come eat the chicken?
      Michael: ... I'm gonna arrange the daisies.

    • Emmett: You should eat something honey.
      Ted: I'm not hungry.
      Michael: We bought you a whole fucking chicken!
      Brian: And you're gonna eat it.

    • Margaret: Are you sure I can't help?
      Ted: I can do it, it's no big deal.
      Margaret: You should let me drive you home.
      Ted: Ah... already asked my friends.
      Margaret: Michael, Emmett, Brian. I met them while you were... asleep.
      Ted: Oh.
      Margaret: They're very nice. Especially Michael.
      Ted: Yeah, Michael is especially special.
      Margaret: Are you two... I mean...
      Ted: Oh no, no. We, ah... He's just a friend.
      Margaret: Well, he's a very good friend. He was very kind to me. I'm grateful you have him.
      Ted: Yeah, so am I.
      Margaret: Because more than anything, I worry that you're alone. That there's no one to look after you.
      Ted: I can take care of myself.
      Margaret: Oh I know you can. You've always been self-sufficient. I just... I wish you had someone to love you. If you did, maybe this wouldn't have happened.
      Ted: Mom, please, lets uh...
      Margaret: I'm sorry. I know that it embarrasses you if I talk too much or I get too emotional. But I can't help thinking that, if you haven't woken up, and I would have never gotten a chance to let you know, how proud I am that you're my son, and it... it doesn't matter to me what you are. Yeah I got over that a long time ago. And that whenever you're feeling alone, or that no one loves you; it's not true, because I do!
      Ted: (long pause) Thank you, mom for eh... for saying that.

    • (Debbie is telling Jennifer about finding out their sons are gay.)
      Debbie: So, Jennifer, don't ask, Are you, because it's never a question. Just say, 'I know.'

    • Michael: You have anything to say?
      Brian: ... No.
      Michael: Well I do. You can fuck him at your place, you can fuck him in his gym class, you can fuck him at the zoo, but you cannot fuck him in my mother's house. In my room!

    • Debbie: I'm calling your mother. I'm taking you home. Justin: I'm not going. Debbie: You get my tits in a knot sunshine, and you're gonna be in deep shit! Excuse me. (Debbie walks away from the dining table. Justin sits down across from Vic.) Vic: What do you study in school? Justin: Huh? Vic: Called conversation.

    • Debbie: I'm calling his mother.
      Michael: It's not our business.
      Debbie: He may be telling the truth, and even if he isn't, she's gonna be worried.
      Vic: She's not worried. Now she knows: it's not drugs, it's not booze, he didn't buy an automatic weapon to take down the Spanish club... It's just cock!

    • Justin: I'm gonna throw up. I gotta vomit.
      Debbie: Upstairs' bathroom. The one for guest and drama queens.
      (Justin runs upstairs, while Vic and Michael laugh.)
      Debbie: It's not a joke you know. Gay teens have a very high suicide rate.
      Michael: Unfortunately not this one.

    • Michael: (to Debbie) This is not about you and the Gay Mother of the Year award. This is about Brian's one-night stand.
      Justin: Not just one.
      Michael: Don't bet on it. And who here even cares?
      Vic: I do.
      Justin: My dad threatened to sell me, called me a big queer.
      Vic: He didn't hit you, did he?
      Michael: Oh come on, Uncle Vic, you're not gonna listen to this shit?
      Justin: That's why I have to see Brian. He'll let me stay with him.
      Michael: I don't think so.
      Justin: Well then... I'll go to New York, I'll become a hustler and I'll sell my body to gross old homos.
      Vic: I'll give you twenty bucks.
      (Debbie hits Vic on his head.)
      Vic: Save him a train fare!

    • Debbie: I've always said it isn't who you love; it's how you love. Genitalia is simply God's way of accessorizing.

    • (Brian is talking to Ted, who's in a coma because of a drug overdose.)
      Brian: ...And fuck you for choosing me. I'll let you lie here forever, how'd you like that? Can you hear me? You know, you're not so bad looking. In fact, you look better like this. You should die more often. Or live, so that I don't have to say 'yes'. Yes, I'll do it, I'll give you what you want, what you need, but don't think it's for you; it's not. It's for me.

    • Lindsay: Look it's upsetting for all of us, but in a time like this we could try showing a little compassion, especially for Ted. So, any word?
      Brian: The machines say he's still alive.
      Lindsay: Poor guy.
      Brian: What about us?
      Lindsay looks at Brian.
      Brian: We don't have any beeps, or wires, or little white dots telling us we're alive, so how do we know? I guess we just take each other's word.
      Lindsay: Maybe we know from what people expect from us. I mean, take Gus. He needs me to feed him, to... change him. Knowing that tells me I'm alive. So for me right now it's him.
      Brian: What about me?
      Lindsay: Ted needs you now, so maybe that's what tells you you're alive. You'll do the right thing, whatever it is.
      Brian: You don't know that.

    • Debbie: And don't talk! I can figure it all out.

    • Michael: So what do you think it means?
      Emmett: I think it means he likes you.
      Michael: I think it means he loves me.
      Emmett: Kind of flattery, in a way. He collects you the way you collect comics.
      Michael: It's just ah... All this time, I... never knew.
      Emmett: (softly) A lot of things we don't know about each other. Like, did you know, I used to walk down the street in Hazlehurst, Mississippi, and the Beausman would spit at me.
      Michael: I don't know where my father was born... or even who he is.
      Emmett: I sat with my dead grandma for an hour, and held her hand before I told anyone she was dead.
      (Michael reaches over to hold Emmett's hand.)
      Emmett: How come we never tell each other these things, huh?

    • (Justin is ringing the bell at Brian's building, only there's no answer.)
      Justin: Shit! Fuck! (shouting) Brian! Brian!
      Neighbor: Shut up!
      Daphne: Justin, I gotta go home.
      Justin: But, I... I have to find him.
      Daphne: Well, how about the crazy lady?
      Justin: What crazy lady?
      Daphne: You know, the weird one. From the diner.
      Justin: You mean Debbie?

    • (Emmett and Michael are at Ted's home. Emmett moves the light on the table to another position.)
      Emmett: That's better. I always tell him not everything in life needs to be centered.
      Michael: You can redecorate later. His mother's coming! (opening the fridge, throwing things out at Emmett) Poppers, cheddar, Capri...
      Emmett: I don't think there're particular strong shame issues attached to cheese, Michael.
      Michael: Fine, whatever.

    • Melanie: And that's what I said to him. I said, 'Brian is not the person you want responsible for your life. He's a selfish, narcissistic little fucking faggot.' And let me tell you something, it's not because you suck cock, it's because you're a little fucking coward!

    • Brian: So let's cut to the chase, find somebody else. His mommy, or Michael, or Madonna. I don't care who!

    • Debbie: People wake up from comas sweetheart.
      Michael: Yeah, sure.
      Debbie: Your uncle Vic: how long is he in his?
      Michael: Nine days?
      Debbie: Ten, and I thought I lost him. I couldn't tell your grandmother it was AIDS at the time because she couldn't have dealt with it. I wanted to hear all about the white light and the... the tunnel, and, and... and the answer: did he get to heaven... First words out of his mouth: Did I miss the Golden Globes?

    • Brian: Why me? Why not his mother? Why not you?
      Emmett: Because I can't decide what to wear in the morning. Who in the right mind would give me the power of life and death?
      Michael: I couldn't do it either.
      Brian: I don't even like Ted.
      Michael: Oh, come on! You do so!
      Brian: I'm not enough to be responsible for his fucking life.
      Emmett: Well he must've wanted you for a reason.
      Michael: Maybe he's secretly in love with you.
      Brian: I love you, I'm comatose: kill me?

    • (Emmett and Michael are in the steam bath, where a guy with a great ass passes in front of them.)
      Emmett: Why I can't get my glutes to look like that?
      Michael: Maybe you're not properly visualized in the muscle group.
      Emmett: Oh I'm visualizing it alright. On my face.

    • Justin: Yearning is when you want something really badly. Like, so bad it hurts.
      Teacher: Exactly. It needs to hurt to be worthy of the word. Otherwise, it's just wanting. It's represented in the Gatsby by 'the green light across the water' - you can see it, but you can't touch it.

    • Michael: He's in there! His life's like this... A dot on a screen. It could be us!
      Brian: No, it could not be us! Because we know better. We know not to believe pretty little blonde boys who tell you that 'it's really good shit', because that's what they all say. Ted didn't know that. And he didn't know that you only do drugs with your friends because they're the only ones that give a fuck about you. (putting his arms on Michael's and Emmett's shoulders)

    • Brian: You know, he is a first. The first almost dead guy I sort of had sex with.
      Michael: You had sex with Ted?
      Emmett: You don't have sex with Ted!
      Michael: When did you have sex with...
      Brian: Sort of sex. At this semi-orgy.
      Michael: Semi!?

    • Emmett: You know, when I go, promise you won't let them sew my mouth shut? Because when I get to heaven, and I meet Natalie Wood, I want to be able to say, 'Natalie, it's Emmett. What happened that night?'

    • Michael: You went home with...
      Emmett: An undertaker. Uh-hmm.
      Brian: I fucked an undertaker once.
      Michael: You did? When?
      Brian: He told me sometimes they sew their mouths shut. (raising his eyebrow)

    • Brian: Why me? Why did you choose me?
      Ted: My mother couldn't do it. Michael and Emmett couldn't do it. But you could, because you're a heartless shit. You could pull the plug and you wouldn't cry. And you'd know when it's time to go.

    • Michael: Okay, just so you don't freak out...your dildos are missing. And your porn. We had to move it all...in case your mom found it.
      Ted: Well, I expect all thirty-three back. (to Emmett and Brian) Cleaned.

    • Ted: When I woke up. I thought...I'm in hell. And this is my punishment - watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity.
      (Brian puts his arm around Ted's shoulder)
      Brian: You should be so lucky.

    • Michael: Falcon...Falcon...You've Got Mail. He masturbates to Meg Ryan and Tom Hanks?

    • (Emmett's handphone rings, and he answers it.)
      Emmett: Torso.
      Michael: It's me.
      Emmett: Oh my God. Is he dead?
      Michael: No, but he's gonna wish he was when he finds out his mom's going to his condo tonight for pyjamas.
      Emmett: Oh shit! What if she finds his porn?
      Michael: And his magazines. And remember his thirty-third birthday last year?
      Emmett: (laughing) When we gave him those thirty-three dildos, that was hilarious.
      Michael: Well, it's not so funny anymore. We gotta go there and find all thirty-three.
      Emmett: Wait.
      Michael: What?
      Emmett: What if he's given some other hosts as gifts?

  • NOTES (3)

    • This episode was all so known as NOW APPROACHING... THE LINE.

    • The first three episodes very closely mirrored the original UK version of the series, but this is where the show begins to take off in a new direction. Ted overdosed in the previous episode, and winds up in a coma from which he awakens. Ted's British counterpart, Phil, wasn't so lucky -- he overdosed and died. The US version had 14 more episodes in the first season than the UK series (in addition to being 10-20 minutes longer per episode), so from this point the US writers began coming up with new storylines, while still borrowing ideas from the UK series.

    • Music:

      "Digga Digga Daa" by Erotimania; "Absurd" by Fluke; "Weightless" by See Spot Run; "Just Feel Free" by DuMonde; "I Need Somebody" by Iggy Pop; "Lovin' You" by Kristine W.; "Blue Green" by Velvet; "Straight to Number One" by Touch 'N Go; "Dive in the Pool" by Barry Harris featuring Pepper Meshay.


    • Emmett: Now say it three times and click your heels, "There's no place like home".

      A reference to the 1939 musical of The Wizard of Oz starring Judy Garland, an iconic film in gay pop culture.