Queer As Folk

(The guys are talking about Michael's new boyfriend) Ted: Like the guy I met. Brian: You met someone? Ted: He's very nice, very intelligent, very interesting. Brian: Is he a top or a bottom? Ted: You know, not everybody judges by your criteria, okay? Roger and I... Brian: Roger?! starts laughing Ted: Roger and I have to decided to know each other before we have sex. Brian: What do you think you are, lesbians?

Emmett: (to Ted) Let's get you a cock-tail!

Jennifer: Tell me about him. This... person. I have to know. Debbie: Brian Kinney - God's gift to gay PA. They all want Brian, but the good news is, no one can have him. He screws them, breaks their heart, and they wise up. Most of them anyway.

Jennifer: So I thought, 'Okay, he's having... experiences.' But with boys his own age! This... man, he must be in his 30's! Debbie: Well, not yet, but I'll be happy to tell him you thought so.

(Ted and Roger are looking at the picture of a naked man on the wall.) Roger: Tremendous energy. Ted: (referring to the penis in the picture) Really comes right out at ya. (breathing heavily) Roger, I think I'm ready. Roger: I've promised to play the piano. Ted: You're just volunteering. Roger: You're right, fuck them.

David: So I suppose I just keep him company while Michael waits. Melanie: Oh. Oh... Oh shit! Oh... you're with Michael. David: (nodding) Yeah. Melanie: Ehm... Oh Jesus, I, I... I'm sorry. I... I... I didn't mean that, I... I mean... Well I... I mean, Brian's the one that's always showing up with some new guy, so I just assumed that, uhm... David: Don't worry about it. Melanie: Well, you know, they... they're... They love each other as friends, but that's it. That's really, that's all it is. David: Really? It's not like I didn't know. Melanie: Do you... want a shrimp ball?

Brian: Aren't I always looking out for you? Michael: You're just jealous because somebody finally thinks I'm hot or something. Brian: You are hot or something. I've been telling you that since you were 14, but you won't believe me. (And then Brian kisses Michael on the lips.)

Melanie: (to David) Oh, but don't worry, Michael can wait forever; Brian will never fuck him. Mind my French.

Melanie: (looking at the boys) Brian and Michael show, blah blah blah. Stuck in perpetual reruns. David: Was it always like that? Michael running after him? Melanie: It's the greatest love story never told, trust me.

Michael: Lindsay, this is David. Lindsay: Nice to meet you! David: Nice to meet you. Debbie: (carrying Gus, greeting from afar) Whoa, Michael! Michael: (freezes) Let's go check out the vagina sculptures first, get it over with.

Lindsay: Everyone loves your drawing! Melanie: Yeah, check out the food. Justin: I'm not hungry. Melanie: Okay, how about the cute guys? There some right up there just about your age. (Justin looks over to the entrance, and he sees the love of his life.) Justin: (smiles) He's here. Melanie: (sarcastically) Hmmm... Yippee.

(Ted is admiring Roger, who's playing the piano.) Emmett: So have you two had sex yet? Ted: No! (whispering) Would you keep your voice down? Emmett: Well, when are you? Ted: When we both know it's the right thing to do. Emmett: Sex is never the right thing to do! Feeding the poor is the right thing to do; hiring a handicap is the right thing to do; donating blood... Ted: Alright, alright, you made your point.

Brian: (sits on Michael's lap) Where the fuck have you been? Michael: Brian, this is David. Brian: Oh fuck me, the new beau! David: I've heard a lot about you. Brian: I've heard a lot about you too. Sixteen right, eleven left? David: Excuse me?

(Emmett meets David for the first time.) Emmett: Oh my God. That guy over there looks exactly like Matthew McCo-naug-hey. Maybe he smokes pot, naked. (to David) Excuse me! David: (laughs) He doesn't hold anything back. Michael: He was toning it down for you.

Justin: You think Brian's gonna come? Lindsay: (pausing) Don't expect too much from him, okay? Justin: What's too much? Lindsay: Anything at all. You'll have lots of relationships, Justin, with lots of interesting people. I know you don't believe that right now, but you will.

Ted: Roger and I have decided to get to know each other before we have sex. Brian: What do you think you are, lesbian? Emmett: It's like 'The Mirror Has Two Faces'. (Brian and Ted both give Emmett a look.) Emmett: No, no, it is, because Barbra, plays an unattractive professor, (to Ted) no offense, who ah, marries Jeff Bridges because neither one of them can handle sex. But, of course, Barbra gets horny, because her love's just such dreamboat, so uhm, she hops on a Stairmaster, for like two minutes, eats a carrot stick, and then poof... she gorges. Then, she comes in dressed like a hooker, in nuts, and of course, Jeff wants to fuck her, and then, they dance in the street. Ted: And she still wasn't nominated.

Brian: Oh, what is he into? Michael: His life? Ted: Like the guy I met. Brian: You met someone? Ted: (nodding) He's very nice, very intelligent, very interesting. Brian: Is he a top or a bottom? Ted: You know, not everybody judges people by your criteria, okay?

Michael: Twenty-seven minutes on my nipples! I clocked it. I mean, I expected him to know what to do with his hands, coz that's his business, but he has the most talented tongue. Every time I came... Ted and Emmett: Every time? Michael: He would just keep on going. Licking me, everywhere. Emmett: I once knew a guy who could tie a cherry stem into a knot with his tongue. I was afraid to let him blow me. Ted: Twenty-seven minutes. Was that, 13½ on each nipple, or... Michael: Sixteen right, eleven left. Brian: Guess what, ah, how long it takes to get it up? Michael: I wouldn't know. I never saw it when it was down. Brian: Another Viagra success story.

(Both Roger and Ted are staring at the waiter's ass as he walks away.) Roger: He has a nice smile. Ted: Among other attributes. Roger: I'm sure he's a fine person. Ted: Rose color would be my guess. Roger: (laughs) You know, ordinarily I'll be racking my brain to come up with some pathetic line for when he comes back, like 'I haven't seen you here before, are you new?' Ted: Or, ah... 'Do I know you from somewhere? No? Must be in a dream.' Roger: 'So, when did they start hiring models here?' Ted: You're worse than I am!

David: I've never seen so many comic books. Michael: That's what everybody I bring home said. I mean, people have told me that. David: Uh-hmm. Who's big fella? Michael: Captain Astro. Uhm, my friend Emmett, he's staying with me, it was supposed to be temporary thing but he'd become sort of a squire, may come home at any time, so sorry about that. David: You don't have to apologize for everything. Michael: I know. I do that. I'm sorry.

Emmett: Faggots, faggots everywhere, and not a drop to drink.

Lindsay: You know, there's going to be an art show at GLC. Justin: What's that? Brian: The Gay and Lesbian Center. (Justin frowns.) Brian: Safe heaven for fags who can't get laid.

(Brian knocks on the door. Melanie opens it, and a doll greets her.) Brian: I got something for Gus. Melanie: (laughing) That's so sweet. We'll call Michael later to thank him.

(Michael is waiting for David in his office, when he walks in.) David: I didn't realize it was scheduled follow-up visit. Michael: We didn't. I told them it was an emergency. David: What's the problem? Michael: I'm a jerk, can you adjust that? David: Provided it's not a permanent condition. Michael: See, the thing is, I don't date very often. You know, real, eat a meal, talk, stare into each other's eyes kinda date, so I... I kinda freaked. And I'm sorry, I was such an asshole. David: You weren't an asshole. Michael: Believe me, I've seen assholes, and... (realizing the pun) I mean, ah, I feel shitty about it, and I really like you, and I think you might actually have liked me. David: I do like you. Michael: You do? Well, you think we could start over? David: Sit down.

Ted: (reading from the ad in the paper) Date Bait. Meet other single gay man in a civilized evening of conversation. No pick-ups, no face-to-face rejection. They have an over thirty night. Emmett: Where? The morgue? Ted: And just for that, you're going with me. Emmett: I am not over thirty! Ted: And I am not going alone.

(Ted and Emmett are at Torso, where Emmett is checking out new clothes.) Ted: I'm out. Emmett: At work? It's fabulous. Ted: Out of the scene, I mean. I've made up my mine. No more bars, no more baths, no more clubs... You'll never see my face in Babylon again. Emmett: Oh please. Can't let one little drug-induced coma get you down. (putting on a tee) What do you think? Ted: You look unbelievably trashy. Emmett: Tuck me into it. I'll buy it. Ted: You miss my point entirely. Everything we do, even the clothes we wear, is a conscious or, worse yet, unconscious attempt to get laid. Emmett: Yes, it's true. There's an overemphasis on sex. But why not buy two sizes too small and come with it? Ted: Because tragically, some of us were not born to wear Lycra.

(Justin sees Melanie and Lindsay from across the street.) Justin: (to Daphne) Look! That's them. Brian's lesbians. (crossing the street) Hey. Hey! How's it going? Lindsay: I'm sorry, do we know you? Justin: I'm Justin, Brian's friend. I was there the night Gus was born. I named him. Lindsay: Yeah... Melanie: Oh, right! So when Gus' inside pumping gas, we'll have you to thank. (Lindsay laughs.) Justin: This is Daphne. Daphne: Hi. I'm not lesbian, but I, I... I'm a big fan. (Lindsay and Melanie don't know what to say.) Justin: He's gotten so big already. Melanie: Oh, well, you would too if all you did was sleep and eat all day. Daphne: He does. Justin: He's like the cutest baby I've ever seen. If you ever need a babysitter... Lindsay: Don't say that unless you mean it. Justin: And if you need any help carrying stuff to the car, I'll be glad to be able to... (Lindsay immediately hands the bags over to Justin.) Justin: (slowly) ...assist it. Melanie: Wow, you're good for a 1001 uses.

Daphne: Did your mom know you're out, buying jewelry? Justin: No. She's totally cool with everything, only she's pretending to be because she's scared I'll run away and become a hairdresser. Daphne: I hate you. My mom's such a bitch and I haven't even given her a reason yet.

Michael: Oh, wow! Look, it's the new Eletroman doll. I'm gonna buy this for Gus. Brian: Don't. I don't want a gay kid. Michael: He's been raised by two lesbians. He's going to need a feminine influence.

Michael: I totally blew it. Brian: Don't worry, there're still plenty of creepy, old man out there who love to get into your pants. Michael: He wasn't that old. He wasn't creepy; he was nice. First doctor... Brian: Chiropractor. Michael: That counts. I think. (They are interrupted by the owner of the comic bookstore.) Trick: Ah... We've got in the new Catwoman. Michael: Cool! (The guy walks away after showing Michael the comic book.) Michael: Takes me this really nice restaurant, I behave like a fucking idiot, dressed up like some slick asshole. Brian: Hey! That was $1200 leather jacket. Michael: It wasn't me. You know why, coz I'm nobody. That's my problem. (Brian is checking out the owner of the shop.) Michael: Are you even listening to me? Brian: I tune out self-pity, it makes my dick soft. And we wouldn't want that, would we?

David: What about you? What do you do? Brian: Advertising. David: Well, you must know a thing or two about screwing people yourself. Brian: Yeah, I could do it in my sleep.

Brian: What's he doing here? Melanie: We ran into each other on the street. Justin: It's like this weird coincidence. Brian: I bet. Lindsay: (looking at Justin's drawings) You know, these are good! Justin: That's what my mom says. Melanie: Lindsay's an art teacher. Lindsay: For someone your age, you have an amazing feel for the human form. Brian: I've noticed that myself. (throws a teddy bear at Justin)

Brian: (to Justin and Daphne) Oh look, it's the cast of Zoom. Daphne: We're celebrating. Justin sold some of his art today. Justin: The one of you... naked. Michael: Who'd buy that? Emmett: Probably some desperate queen who's always pined for you. Brian: Oh Ted, how thoughtful.

Ted: I was rejected by everybody. (Emmett looks unsure) It's good to be back!

Lindsay: How long have you been drawing? Justin: My mom brought me crayons when I was still in the crib. I never stopped.

Brian: Good. Give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me. (throws the bear at him again) Justin: Don't flatter yourself. Mel(laughs): Oh, we like Justin. Justin can stay.

Brian: Fuck groups. Lindsay: I thought you did. Brian: Occassionally. But it's by invitation...only.

Michael: Nothing. (to Brian) You're tweaked, what are you on? Brian: Oh, E, K, GHB. Most of the letters on Sesame Street.

Michael(v.o): Okay, so I'm a gay man with a superhero fetish. Yes, we're out there, and no, it doesn't have anything to do with immaturity. I think we gay boys learn important lessons from comic books. One, there're a lot of villains out there, so you better develop some secret powers. Two, if you have a good body, you can wear tight clothes. And, three, it's always good to be part of a dynamic duo.