Carson: These backdoor boys need to kick his Backstreet ass!
Thom (entering the house): I hope he's got the cheesesteak waiting for me.
Kyan: Thom, you don't need another Philly Cheesesteak!
(Ted finds car wheels in the kitchen)
Ted: They'll let you keep car parts but they won't let you have pets?
Jai (talking to a life size poster of Britney Spears): No, I've never gotten married and annulled it in one day. But we do have a lot in common.
Ted: Oh, Jai.
Ted (holding up a saw): Anyone got any unnecessary limbs?
Ted (watching Thom taking down the shiny silver curtains): Wait, let's make some clothes! We could make a dress. We should bring back the cape (wraps curtain around his shoulders), more people should wear capes!
Ted (looking at a wall clock made to look like a pool table): You think Thom will mind if we take this down? I'm thinking No.
Jai: Yo whazzup homes?
Jai: How you doin?
Carson: How you doin?
Jai: I'm good. I'm just saying this is like mess here...
Carson: Yo, yo, I know, it's dog.
Thom, Ted and Philly are examining a cardboard cutout of Britney.
Thom: Now, I'm not, like, going get like... you... there's... you haven't... you don't...
Ted: You don't, you wouldn't...
Thom: This is just...
Philly: No, no.
Thom: Because I was like, this sticks to the wall, and I don't see any tape.
Jai: Tell me about your car.
Philly: My car is my baby. I put zebra strips in the interior, chrome interior, steel mats. It's like, what didn't I do.
Jai: Are you a pimp!?!
Carson (drinking from a flask): Ooh, I think that's a personal lubricant or something.
Ted: Well he got promoted to first grade. At least that's one promotion.
Kyan (finding empty beer bottles in the shower): You had a beer in the shower?
Philly: Oh like you haven't!
(Kyan pauses, then cracks up laughing)
Carson (Picks up bowling ball) What the heck is this? Hmm. (Drops bowling ball on floor)
Carson is pulling really shiny silver shirts out of Philly's wardrobe.
Philly: Oh, my club shirts.
Carson: Club shirts?
Philly: These are the ones I used to wear, to go out to clubs...
Carson: Used to?
Philly: Well, I don't anymore because of the bad knee...
Carson: Back when you were GAY?
Thom (walking into a furniture store): Oh my God. Look at all these sofas. Don't you feel like you're in therapy?
Ted: This is a salad spinner. (Flips the top up) And it's happy to see you!
Kyan: Look! Here's a beer. Why don't you go have a shower.
Carson: He's getting a promo 'cause of the homos.
Thom (on Philly's recent problems): This would make a great country song.
Ted (singing): I hurt my leg and then you left me.
Ted: His name is Philly Rojas.
Carson: Sounds like a Mexican Cheesesteak.
Carson: How come you're Puerto Rican and I'm darker?