Bill Maher: New Rule: Putting rollerblades on police won't bring back order, though it might bring back disco. The Olympic Torch this week was protected by French police on rollerblades. And, surprise, it was put out by protesters on foot. Because nothing gives you the edge in a scuffle like being on wheels. You'd never get American cops to agree to something that silly. [slide shown of police officers riding Segways]
New Rule: My horoscope must stop kissing my ass. Nobody likes a cosmic suck-up, so don't be blowing smoke up my astrology. Yes, I'm artistic, creative, sensitive, astonishing in the sack and, of course, humble. But it's your job to tell me stuff I don't know. Say what you want about China and human rights, I could always count on the fortune cookie to keep it real. I thought that would be bigger. Okay.
New Rule: Children's birthday parties must provide a little something for the grownups. And by "something," I mean, Jack Daniels on ice with a twist. You can put it in a SpongeBob cup, I don't care. But, I'm standing here in the blazing sun watching an out-of-work actor in a Spider-man costume make balloon animals, and I need something to wash down the Vicodin I just stole from your medicine cabinet. So, either get me a drink or I'm going to blow this joint and find another party in the neighborhood to crash.
New Rule: There are worse things on airplanes than terrorists. [slide of woman blow-drying her hair on plane] Virgin Airlines is promoting the power outlets on their planes with this ad of a woman blow-drying her hair at 30,000 feet. After washing it in what? The blue liquid in the toilet?
Air travel is bad enough without turning it into a flying locker room. Let's see, 20 minutes before I land; I've got just enough time to shave my balls. [Turns to laughing Jason Alexander] You've done that.
Let's all picture Jason Alexander shaving his balls on a plane, shall we?
Jason Alexander: I can't even see my balls, what are you talking about?
Bill Maher: New Rule: Magic Johnson can't lecture me about my health. Magic Johnson is the new spokesman for Aetna Health Insurance because there's nothing like health advice from an HIV+ fat man. [slide of shirtless Magic Johnson]
And, finally, New Rule: Whenever you combine a secretive compound, religion and weirdos in pioneer outfits, there's going to be some child-f*cking going on. In fact, whenever a cult leader sets himself up as "God's infallible wing man" here on earth, lock away the kids.
Which is why I'd like to tip off law enforcement to an even larger child-abusing religious cult. Its leader also has a compound. And this guy not only operates outside the bounds of the law, but he used to be a Nazi and he wears funny hats. [photo of the Pope shown]
That's right. The Pope is coming to America this week, and, ladies, he's single! Now, I know what you're thinking: "Bill, you can't be saying that the Catholic Church is no better than this creepy Texas cult! For one thing, altar boys can't even get pregnant."
But, really, what tripped up the "little cult on the prairie" was that they only abused hundreds of kids, not thousands all over the world. Cults get raided. Religions get parades. How does the Catholic Church get away with all of their buggery? VOLUME, VOLUME, VOLUME!
If you have a few hundred followers and you let some of them molest children, they call you a cult leader. If you have a billion, they call you "Pope."
It's like if you can't pay your mortgage, you're a deadbeat, but if you can't pay a million mortgages, you're Bear Stearns, and we bail you out. And that's who the Catholic Church is, the Bear Stearns of organized pedophilia. Too big to fail.
When the - when the current Pope was in his previous Vatican job as John Paul's Dick Cheney - he wrote a letter instructing every Catholic bishop to keep the sex abuse of minors secret until the statute of limitations ran out. And that's the Church's attitude: "We're here, we're queer, get used to it."
Which is fine. Far be it from me to criticize religion. But, just remember one thing: if the Pope was, instead of a religious figure, merely the CEO of a nationwide chain of daycare centers where thousands of employees had been caught molesting kids and then covering it up, he'd be arrested faster than you can say, "Who wants to touch Mister Wiggle?"