Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 5 Episode 9

April 20, 2007

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Apr 20, 2007 on HBO
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April 20, 2007
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Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)

Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.

Tonight, Bill welcomes:

* Gov. Brian Schweitzer (D-MT), formerly served in Dept. of Agriculture under Bill Clinton
 * John O'Sullivan, conservative columnist and editor of "The National Review"
* Amy Holmes, GOP strategist who formerly worked for Sen. Bill Frist

Bills guests via satellite:

* Bill Moyers, journalist who is currently hosting PBS' "Bill Moyers' Journal."moreless

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    • QUOTES (4)

      • Gov. Brian Schweitzer: (Speaking about Iraq) Did you notice the goals just changed? Now it's something about jihadists. I thought it was weapons of mass destruction. I thought we were taking Saddam Hussein out. I thought we were nation-building. The bar keeps shifting. Every time we get over a bar they say, oh, no, we have something else.

      • Bill Maher: The scandal, to me, begins with the fact that we have a president who is so insecure with his own intelligence that he appoints the most mediocre people in the world to positions of immense authority. And that's why so many people in his own party don't like Alberto Gonzales. Because he's another Harriet Miers; he's another Mike Brown. This is why our government is so screwed up, because it's staffed by these idiots. So that George Bush can walk into someplace and say, "I'm the smartest guy in the room."

      • Bill Moyers: There's still world-class journalism being done in this country, but not as much as I wish there were.

      • Bill Maher: All right, bloody New Rule: Blind people can't go hunting. To have to even say this. Texas just passed a bill permitting blind people to use laser sights so they can hunt with a friend who tells them where to aim. Why not just pick up the phone and pay some goombah to have a deer whacked? Or, better yet, just let the blind guy shoot your gun, and tell him, "Wow, you got one!" You know, there's a name for someone with no vision who fancies himself a hunter: Mitt Romney.

        New Rule: If you see the word "Compact" on a parking space–it's not a verb. It doesn't mean, take your SUV and compact it in here. That is annoying.

        New Rule: Fred Thompson must run for president. I don't know what he stands for and I don't care. I just want to see how all the social conservatives deal with his hot trophy wife. She's 25 years his junior and dresses like Britney Spears. And every time Thompson sees her, his penis goes– ["Law & Order" intro music sound]

        New Rule: Kenyans have to stop coming here to this country and winning our marathons. They're pouring over our borders and winning the marathons American runners could be winning. And I hope nobody does anything about it so we can all watch Bill O'Reilly get really mad and punch Geraldo in the face.

        New Rule: You can't use sarcasm about people who think you're an idiot if you're an idiot. This week, Britney Spears went on a sarcastic screed about people who think she needs help. Then her dress fell off, she carved a swastika in her forehead and ran over her tits with a car. Which raises a question that's been bothering me for some time: can you un-masturbate to someone?

        And, finally, New Rule: From now on, Earth Day really must be a year-round thing. And...and in honor of this Earth Day, starting Monday, supermarket clerks must stop putting the big bottle of detergent with the handle on it, in a plastic bag. I don't mean to tell you how to do your job, but you see that handle you just lifted the detergent with? I could use that same handle to carry the detergent to my car.

        And while we're at it, stop putting my liquor in a smaller paper sack before you put it in the big paper sack with my other stuff. What, are you afraid my groceries will think less of me if they see I've been drinking? Trust me, the broccoli doesn't care, and the condoms, they already know.

        So, here's a quote from Albert Einstein. He said, if the bee disappeared off the surface of the globe, then man would only have four years of life left. No more bees, no more pollination. No more plants. No more animals. No more man. Well, guess what? The bees are disappearing in massive numbers all around the world. And if you think I'm being alarmist, and that, "Oh, they'll figure out some way to pollinate the plants." No, they've tried.

        For a lot of what we eat, only bees work. And they're not working. They're gone. It's called "colony collapse disorder," when the hive's inhabitants suddenly disappear and all that's left are a few queens and some immature workers. Like when a party winds down at Elton John's house. Queens imagery.

        But, I think we are the ones suffering from colony collapse disorder. Because, although nobody really knows for sure what's killing the bees, it's not Al Qaeda, and it's not God doing some of his Old Testament shtick. And it's not Winnie the Pooh. It's us. It could be from pesticides or genetically-modified food or global warming, or the high fructose corn syrup we started to feed them.

        Recently, it was discovered that bees won't fly near cell phones. The electromagnetic signals they emit might screw up the bees' navigation system, knocking them out of the sky. So, thanks, big mouth guy in line at Starbucks. You just killed us.

        It's nature's way of saying, "Can you hear me now?"

        Last week, I asked, if it solved global warming, would you give up the TV remote and go back to carting your fat a$$ over to the television set every time you wanted to change the channel. If it comes down to the cell phone versus the bee, will we choose to literally blather ourselves to death? Will we continue to tell ourselves that we don't have to solve environmental problems, we can just adapt? Build sea walls instead of stopping the ice caps from melting. Don't save the creatures of the earth in the oceans; just learn to eat the slime and the jellyfish that nothing can kill; like Chinese restaurants are already doing.

        You know what? Maybe you don't need to talk on your cell phone all the time. Maybe you don't need a bag when you buy a keychain. Americans throw out 100 billion plastic bags a year, and they all take 1,000 years to decompose. Your children's children's children will never know you, but they'll know you once bought batteries at the 99-cents Store because the bag will still be caught in a tree. Except there won't be any trees.

        Sunday is Earth Day. Please educate someone about the birds and the bees. Because, without bees, humans become the canary in the coal mine. And we make bad canaries, because we're already such sheep.

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