Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 4 Episode 9

April 21, 2006

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Apr 21, 2006 on HBO
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April 21, 2006
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Commentator Heather Higgins, Gen. Anthony Zinni, editor/publisher Mortimer Zuckerman, sports commentator Stephen A. Smith, and Rep. Rahm Emanuel join Bill Maher for a discussion on this past week's news.

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    • QUOTES (5)

      • Bill Maher: It is time for New Rules, everybody.

        Yes, once again this week, we have found some New Rules.

        New Rule: Angelina Jolie must adopt Britney Spears' baby. Britney Spears was recently blessed with a drooling, helpless, little dependent. And after marrying Kevin Federline, they had a baby. Since then, that baby's been dropped and misplaced more often than a set of car keys. First, Britney blamed the nanny, then she blamed the high chair, then she blamed the media. Hold on, I think we've found a replacement for Scott McClellan!

        Speaking of which, New Rule: Scott McClellan must move to Hollywood and get into show business. He's proven he's got the two skills needed to make it big in this town: lying and pretending the boss is a genius. All he needs now is a Prius and a trophy wife and he'll be running Warner Bros. in a year.

        New Rule: Tom Cruise must eat his baby and rename his movie. Apparently the sequel to "Mission: Impossible II" isn't "Mission: Impossible III." It's "m:i:3." That's "m-colon-i-colon-3." I guess Tom just likes fitting in colons. And on the...and on the home front, he's already announced plans to eat his baby's placenta...with some fava beans and a nice Chianti. Tom, just go ahead and finish the whole thing, because that kid is going to be one screwed up little Martian anyway. Even Michael Jackson is thinking, "Wow, I never literally ate a kid." They get cranky later on in the evening.

        New Rule: Sending someone a birthday e-card doesn't count. If you can't get your s*** together enough to go to Sav-On and pick out an actual physical birthday card, don't bother. I'm not expecting Hallmark. I know you don't care enough to send the "very best," but just don't send the very worst. Or else, when you die, I'll be forced to deliver an e-eulogy.

        And finally, New Rule: Democrats have to claim their rightful place as the party of environmental protection. Now...for way too long, Republicans have been getting away with rolling their eyes when anyone mentions the planet. You know, as if it's "Smurf Forest" we're talking about instead of the one and only place we can survive!

        Now, tomorrow is Earth Day, when President Bush gets his picture taken in front of a tree and Dick Cheney shoots whatever flies out of it. And, as despicable as this administration's record on the environment is, it never was their issue. But Al Gore made a living in the Senate talking about the environment. He makes a living talking about it now. It's just when he was running for president that he shut up. And that's why Democrats keep losing. They don't stand up for what they believe in, yes, like "girly-men", from making the counter-argument.

        "How can we explain climate change in a 30-second campaign ad?" Oh, I don't know. How about this: "The Republicans want your children to die." There, I did it with 28 seconds left. Is that scaring us? Well, somebody ought to.

        How come the Republicans can pick seemingly bogus, random issues like activist judges and boys kissing, and Mexicans pouring over our borders, and get everyone all worked up about it, and the Democrats can't figure out how to demagogue Armageddon?

        Hey...you know what else is pouring over our borders? Greenland. You know, Republicans do a lot of things badly, like plan wars and balance budgets and...dance. But they sure understand that the winner in an election is the one who scares the most crap out of the voters. "Gay marriage!" "Terror alerts!" "The war on Christmas!" How long before Janet Jackson's tit strikes again?! And it's a lot bigger now.

        But the environment is real. You can smell it. In parts of Houston, you can grab hunks of it with your hands and use it to lube your car! And if there is a single face you might want to use to personify this evil, he was in the news this week: the retiring and handsomely-compensated chairman of Exxon Mobil, Lee "Fat Bastard" Raymond. [photos shown of Lee Raymond and character "Fat Bastard" from Austin Powers film]

        If Lee looks like he's been eating the earth, he has. Even worse, his company has been paying for fake science to confuse people into thinking global warming was still too iffy to act on. You know, if the Democrats can't make this prick into their Willy Horton, they are so pathetic, they might as well go ahead and nominate for president that nice blonde lady who married Bill Clinton. You'll thank me in a year.

        Ladies and gentlemen, I literally fear for my kids' future, and I don't even have kids. Glacier National Park in Montana, you know, named for its glaciers, had 150 glaciers when they opened. It's got 26 left today. If we don't take care of places like Montana, we're going to faced with an even bigger problem: gay married men with absolutely no place to go fishing.

        All right, that's our show. I want to thank my guests, Mort Zuckerman, Heather Higgins, Gen. Anthony Zinni, Stephen A. Smith and Rahm Emanuel. Thank you, folks. Thank you.

      • Bill Maher: You know what I don't understand? Why does the military love Bush? I never understand. It's such a dysfunctional, abusive relationship. It's like a husband who beats up his wife, and she comes back for more. This guy is not good to the troops. He doesn't give them the armor they need. He doesn't send them where they should be fighting. I don't get it.

      • Gen. Anthony Zinni: The dirty word was the "O" word, "occupation." What we realized is if you're going to go in - and I'll use Secretary Powell's analogy - if you're going to break it, you're going to own it; if you're going to own it; you better control it, especially in that environment. If you don't control it, you're going to bring in all the festering problems, and the snakes are going to come out from under the rocks. We knew that for ten years, and that was dismissed as too negative a set of assumptions.

      • Gen. Anthony Zinni: Our military has performed magnificently, going in with a bad plan, a bad strategy, poor assumptions, poor decision-making on reconstruction; beaming in exiles from outside that had no credibility; a whole series of things that they had to bear with, including the lack of the appropriate number of troops to secure what they needed to secure in there. And they've been the "stuck-ees" in this problem. The mistakes have not been military on the ground, by and large.

      • Mortimer Zuckerman: I don't think that we have to worry about being number one, vis-à-vis China. I mean, it's one - it's easy to just extrapolate 10% a year forever. But the Chinese have huge problems in that country. And I don't think they're anywhere close to being a threat to us on the scale that is implied by that. They are a country in the throes of rapid change. But, you know, you have to look at it this way: their total economy is $2 trillion. Ours is 11. They have five times the number of people that we have, and we have five times the size of the economy. They've got a long, long way to go. And they've got huge problems.

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