Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 1 Episode 14

August 15, 2003

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Aug 15, 2003 on HBO
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August 15, 2003
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Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Special guests former Minnesota Governor Jesse Ventura and California gubernatorial candidate Arianna Huffington discussed the California recall election. Roundtable guests, conservative commentator Ann Coulter, talk show host Orlando Jones, and California congressman Dana Rohrabacher, dove into the issue of the big blackout and if Republicans or Democrats were to blame. Bill then steered the discussion towards the war in Iraq and the often-violent reception troops are receiving there, as compared to the warm reception being given by the people of Liberia. Bill then asked for opinions on the President's assertion that the media's heavy war coverage has contributed to the nation's weak economy. The issue of airline security was revisited when Bill brought up the administration's assertion that equipping commercial carriers with missile defense systems for $10 billion was "not fiscally viable." Finally, Bill posed the question to the roundtable if the introduction of the George Bush action figure was ironic given his own questionable record of military service, and, more generally, whether he has the qualities and deportment of a military leader. Bill then closed the show with the New Rules.moreless

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    • QUOTES (4)

      • Bill Maher: First New Rule: Show Arnold's movies. FCC fairness rules will discourage television stations from showing Arnold Schwarzenegger movies between now and election day. But is this really fair? Won't it discourage other washed-up, clapped-out, wizened old hams from entering public service? I love Burt Reynolds. Please don't make me choose between having him as Surgeon General or re-watching "Stroker Ace"! Don't make me pick between Tanya Roberts in "Night Eyes" and Tanya Roberts as Head of the Bureau of Land Management. It'll build.

        Some of these rules you'd think I wouldn't have to point out, but okay. New Rule: When somebody dies, we shouldn't cut off their head and drill holes into it. Ted Williams belongs in the hall, not the fridge. It's time to admit that cryogenics is one of those technologies that just doesn't work, like the missile defense shield and hair transplants.

        New Rule: No, you can't have your bomb back! Unabomber Ted Kaczynski has asked a judge to release his personal effects from his shack. Including one of his bombs. Hey, mister, possessing bombs is a privilege, not a right. Come on, how do you expect to be elected California's next governor is you keep saying crazy things like, "I want my bomb back."

        New Rule: It's just a doughnut. What is up with the Krispy Kreme phenomenon? It's a glob of deep-fried dough, not Super Bowl tickets. Aren't we Americans fat enough without pretending that doughnuts are hip? And while we're at it, it you're not a trucker, a trucker hat isn't cool either.

        New Rule: Enough with the fake outrage. New York Giants tight end Jeremy Shockey called Dallas coach Bill Parcells a "homo." So what?! You know, from now on, just as an experiment, let's try judging people by what they do instead of what they say. This is life on earth, not Simon Says. The problem isn't that George Bush said 16 words about Niger. The problem is he's a crazy person who thinks global warming is good for jogging! Besides, when jocks say "homo," it's not to be taken literally. It's just meant as a general insult, like when Ann says "traitor."

        And finally, New Rule: Your daughter's a whore. According to the FBI, there's a new wrinkle in prostitution: suburban teenage girls are now selling their white asses at the mall to make money to spend at the mall. Wow, I can't even find an escalator that goes down.

        Oh, sure, I know what you're saying: "Upper middle class Caucasian teen whoring, that's something that happens to other people's kids." "But our little Ashley trading her kootchie for Gucci?" "No way."

        Well, maybe, but if she comes home with scraped knees, that might not be from skipping rope.

        And come on, nobody buys a BMW with babysitting money. If your kid's name is on the mall directory under "services"

        Now, you see, the joke here, of course, is on White America, which always felt superior to blacks, and showed that with their feet, moving out of urban areas. "White flight," they called it. Whites feared blacks. They feared if they raised their kids around blacks, the blacks would turn their daughters and prostitutes. And now, through the miracle of MTV, damned if it didn't work out that way!

        You see, MTV is where Snoop and Jay-Z and 50 Cent tell their stories, the stories of their youth. And being poor blacks, pimps and drug dealers were the only role models they had. And now, that whole world view is all up in your kid's brain. That's right. Little white boys want a chocolate momma with a huge ass. And the girls in the suburbs apparently have accepted being a "ho" as just another hip lifestyle choice.

        So if you take your kid to the mall this Christmas and she climbs into Santa's lap face first-perhaps you should look into it. And remind your little princess, if a young woman must exchange sex for material goods, they should do it the old-fashioned way, through the sanctity of marriage.

      • Orlando Jones: I'm sort of confused. What we're saying is we will spend the time and effort to go over and start a war, but we won't spend the time and effort to make ourselves safe at home?

        Ann Coulter: Yes.

      • Ariana Huffington: (On why the media considers her a crackpot) I think it's because I speak my mind. I don't belong to either political party. I'm not predictable. I take on whoever I believe needs to be taken on. And people don't like uncertainty. They like to put you in a little box and keep you there.

      • Bill Maher: I've got one last question for you about Arnold Schwarzenegger. I don't understand why he is a viable candidate and Gary Coleman is a joke. No, seriously. I mean, when you think about it, they're both – they are both actors with great name recognition who have absolutely no experience. Now Gary Coleman, also an inspiring biography. Unlike many child stars, he never turned up in jail. He never was found sleeping in his car and turning tricks like many of them. Why, if you look at it logically, is he not just as viable a candidate as Arnold Schwarzenegger?

        Jesse Ventura: He should be. But he doesn't have Arnold's machinery and the Republican Party behind him. [applause] You know, the key to all of this is the fact that Arnold is running as a Republican, and it's all about winning. You know, I heard you talk earlier about, well, Arnold is pro-choice and Arnold, you know, does a few things the President doesn't like. That'll be set aside, Bill, because the ultimate thing for the Republicans is "win at all cost." And it's the same way with the Democrats. Both of these parties are cut out of the same mold. Winning comes first. We'll settle up with the other stuff later.

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