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Bill Maher: Okay. It is time for New Rules everybody.
Chris Rock: We made it to the rules!
Bill Maher: We made it to the rules. We didn't run out of gas. We made it to the rules.
New Rule: Angelina Jolie has to put the little Asian kid down. Is it a child or just something to hide a tattoo? You know, Paris Hilton loves her little rat dog, but once in a while even she just shoves it in her purse.
Chris Rock: The kid and the dog?
Bill Maher: Yeah, that was too close.
Chris Rock: That's a big kid, man.
Bill Maher: New Rule: Stop blaming the summer box office slump on DVDs and video games, and demographics. The summer box office was down because no one knows who the hell Ewan McGregor is. You know how you can tell you're not a movie star? When people would rather watch a penguin.
Chris Rock: Oh!
Bill Maher: That's old. Silly, huh?
Chris Rock: "Train Spottin'", man. "Train Spottin'", man.
Bill Maher: New Rule: Competitive eating isn't a sport. It's one of the seven deadly sins. ESPN recently televised the US Open of Competitive Eating, because watching those athletes at the poker table was just too damned exciting. What's next, competitive farting? Oh wait. They're already doing that. It's called "The Howard Stern Show."
Chris Rock: Hey, hey. Hey... Hey!
Bill Maher: What?
Chris Rock: Let's leave Howard alone.
Bill Maher: No. New Rule: I don't need a bigger mega M&M. If I'm extra hungry for M&Ms, I'll go nuts and eat two.
New Rule: Celebrities must stop using their TV shows to hawk their other projects. A point I should have made in my book, New Rules. Polite musings from a timid observer. Available in bookstores everywhere, and on amazon.com. Itunesaudible.com and Costco. Audio tape from Phoenix. Audio void where prohibited by law.
And finally New Rule: You don't have to teach both sides of a debate, if one side is a load of crap.
Now, President Bush recently suggested that public schools should teach intelligent design, alongside the theory of evolution. Because, after all, evolution is quote, "just a theory." Then the President renewed his vow to drive the terrorists straight over the edge of the earth.
Now, here is what I don't get. President Bush is a brilliant scientist. He's the man who proved you can mix two parts booze with one part cocaine, and still fly a jet fighter. And yet... yet he just can't seem to accept that we descended from apes.
It just seems pathetic to be so insecure about your biological superiority, to a group of feces-flinging, rouge-buttocked monkeys, that you have to make up fairy tales. Like we came from Adam and Eve, and then cover stories for Adam and Eve like, intelligent design. Yeah, leaving the Earth in the hands of two naked teenagers. That's a real intelligent design.
I'm sorry, folks, but it may very well may be that life is just a series of random events. And that there is no... master plan. But enough about Iraq. Let me instead restate my thesis. There aren't necessarily two sides to every issue. If there were, the Republicans would have an opposition party.
And an opposition party would point out that even though there's a debate, in schools, and government, about this, there is no debate among scientists. Evolution... is supported by the entire scientific community. Intelligent design is supported by guys online to see "The Dukes of Hazzard."
And the reason there is no real debate, is that intelligent design isn't real science. It's the equivalent of saying that the thermos keeps hot things hot and cold things cold, because it's a god. It's so willfully ignorant you might as well worship the U.S. Mail. It came again! Praise, Jesus!
No, stupidity isn't a form of knowing things. Thunder is high pressure air meeting low pressure air. It's not God bowling. Babies come from storks is not a competing school of thought... in medical school. We shouldn't teach both. The media shouldn't equate both. If Thomas Jefferson...
If Thomas Jefferson knew we were blurring the line this much between church and state, he would turn over in his slave. Now as for me, I believe in evolution and intelligent design. I think God designed us in his image, but I also think God is a monkey! God bless you and goodnight!
All right, that's our show. I want to thank Chris Rock, Kellyanne Conway, Asa Hutchinson, Phyllis Schlafly and Mr. Paul Hackett. Thank you very much, folks. See you next week.
Paul Hackett (about Cindy Sheehan): Here's a lady who's lost her son in Iraq, and I think she's entitled to voice her opinion on this war. And I think she's entitled to do it in just about any civil manner that she wants to. And if that's camping out in front of George Bush while he's on vacation, that's okay by me. And I think anybody who takes potshots at her is missing the point.
Bill Maher: Are there Iraqi guys who are willing to stand up to this insurgency? Because obviously the insurgents are the zealots. They're the guys who are willing to do anything to win. It takes a lot to stand up to that. Are there Iraqi patriots? Do they have their John Adam's and their George Washington's over there who are going to do that?
Bill Maher: But you have been reading about what's going on with the writing of the constitution, and the fact that women may be taking a giant step backward in Iraq, because the theocrats may very well be taking over. For example, in the southern city of Basrah, I read that the police department is really just... the religious belief. Like in Saudi Arabia. They've just been enforcing the Shiite mentality, which is that, you know, any woman who wears makeup gets her head cut off. Women are not advancing in Iraq.
Kellyanne Conway: It took our country resistance against a theocrats, many times, when we were developing our own constitution. Our constitution was not written and ratified overnight. We have to be patient with these things. You don't want it written on a piece of toilet paper. It's going to take some time. It's an effort.
Asa Hutchinson: Border security is important. But whenever you look at what's happened in Iraq today, in the interim government, women had a major role in the interim government. They continue to do so, they're part of the national assembly. They didn't have those prerogatives previously. We don't know what's going to come out in the constitution, they're going through a struggling process. And I think it's a little bit early to pre-judge what's going to happen in that.
Kellyanne Conway (about John Kerry): He did, Bill. He voted against the 87 billion, and that was part of the package. He voted for the war, but he wanted them to be naked running through the mountains, I guess. Because then he voted against the body armor.
Bill Maher: I mean, maybe one day we will live in a more optimum world where terrorists come in every color of the rainbow. But the truth is, now they don't. I mean, the people who are trying to get us are young Muslim men, period.
Phyllis Schlafly: The problem is, we do not want the judges doing things like abolishing the Pledge of Allegiance, changing the definition of marriage, throwing the Boy Scouts out of the public schools. And what we think is that congress should pass a law, taking away from the federal courts, jurisdiction over those areas where we don't trust them. And those are three good areas where we simply do not trust them.
Bill Maher: But aren't judges supposed to be unelected and unaccountable? Isn't the constitution designed so that one of our branches of government is unaccountable to the public? Wasn't one of the things that the founders feared the most, that the public would have too much say?
Bill Maher: If we overturn Roe v. Wade, won't there be more back alley abortions, again? I mean, how many kids can Angelina Jolie adopt?
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