Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 3 Episode 14

August 26, 2005

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Aug 26, 2005 on HBO
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August 26, 2005
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
This week Bill welcomes guests columnist Dan Savage, Gov. Mike Huckabee and playwright/actor Eve Ensler. Plus, via satellite, Cindy Sheehan in Crawford, TX and author/musician Kinky Friedman.

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    • QUOTES (9)

      • Bill Maher: It's time to go to New Rules, everybody! New Rules!

        All right. New Rule: If you're going to insist on making movies based on crappy, old television shows, then you have to give everyone in the Cineplex a remote so we can see what's playing on the other screens. Let's remember the reason something was a television show in the first place is the idea wasn't good enough to be a movie.

        New Rule: Oil companies must stop with the advertisements implying they're friends of the environment. "At ExxonMobil, we care about a thriving wildlife." Please, the only thing an oil executive has in common with a seagull is that they would both steal French fries from a baby.

        And speaking of babies, New Rule: When I ask how old your toddler is, I don't need to know in months. "27 Months." "He's two," will do just fine. He's not a cheese. And I didn't care in the first place.

        New Rule: Stop showing me pictures of celebrities I used to think were hot without their makeup on. If Tara Reid wanted us to see what she looks like first thing in the morning, she'd pass out face up.

        And finally, New Rule: Not to burst your bubble, but all bubbles burst! I don't want to say real estate is overpriced these days, but I had a refrigerator delivered this morning, and a homeless guy offered me three million for the box! Now, what is so distressing about this situation is that we just went through a bubble-bursting trauma with the dot-com crash. And here we are just five years later with real estate prices that could aptly be compared to Courtney Love: irrationally high and about to collapse.

        You know, it's funny, one argument that had always been leveled against marijuana use was that it supposedly affected your short-term memory. You know, it's funny, one argument that had always been leveled against marijuana use was that it supposedly affected your short-term memory. Well, whatever it is--the point is, Americans can no longer remember even recent history. Detroit has completely forgotten the lesson of the '70s, which was, when an oil crisis looms, stop making Godzilla-mobiles.

        In Iraq, George Bush totally forgot the lesson of Vietnam: "Call Dad!" And yet, to be fair, it's not in the red states where this market insanity is most acute. It's among the supposedly-savvy coastal elites, where buyers are dumping trillions into mortgages they can't afford, proving again just how much people will pay to not live in Kansas!

        No, folks, it is really out of control here in California. One property in San Diego sold five times in one day, with the price going up and up and up until it was just a picture of Donald Trump laughing.

        But it won't be funny when the bubble bursts and people start going bankrupt, taking banks down with them, and then the markets and then the dollar, causing mass rebellion against the government. At which point the Republicans will run an election based on renaming Amtrak the "Jesus Choo-Choo." And they'll win it!

        And the whole thing will fester to the point where our economic Plan B is to live in caves and barter. Because if there's one thing that Republicans, schooled in the ways of Wall Street, have taught us, it is this: don't spend money you don't have; spend money other people don't have.

        Luckily for me, all my money is tied up in Google, sunscreen and guns! Thank you very much. You've been a great audience.

        I want to thank my guests, Governor Mike Huckabee, Eve Ensler, Dan Savage, Kinky Friedman and Cindy Sheehan. Thank you, folks. See you next week.

      • Cindy Sheehan: Bill, this isn't for me. It's in honor of our children who have already been killed. But there's millions of people in harm's way in Iraq. And we need to get our military out of there. We need to secure the country. And, you know, I was only the spark that started off this fire of the peace movement. And if I wanted to call it off today, I couldn't even do it. It's just got a momentum and a life of its own. It's organic and it's living. And like I said earlier, we are going to stop this war.

      • Gov. Mike Huckabee: Nobody likes this war. Nobody thinks it's a wonderful thing. But let's be real clear that I think we don't want to make decisions about foreign policy, national policy and the security of a country simply based on the grief of a mother.

      • Dan Savage: What the Republican right slime machine refuses to recognize is, Cindy Sheehan, as an American citizen, has an absolute right to petition her government for redress of grievances, and ask George Bush a goddamn question. He's not the Pope. He's not God. He's not the king. He's the president, and he should be asked tough questions.

      • Bill Maher: If a couple splits up, a gay couple, the same rules apply as they would to heterosexual couples, which is kind of big, because I'm sure you would say this is another 'blue state ruling from activist judges that normalizes the gay lifestyle,' and so forth. But study after study does show that the children of gay couples are no different, no less stable, no less normal than any other couple. And when you look at reality TV and you see Bobby Brown and Whitney Houston, and you see the Osbournes, you know, I just think if I was a kid, I'd rather grow up with Rosie O'Donnell than Bobby Brown.

      • Dan Savage: I have a seven-year-old adopted son with my partner of ten - almost 11 - years. If I were to drop dead tomorrow, most of the property is mine, my partner would inherit very little of it because of the tax laws that disfavor him because he's not my legal spouse. And he would be impoverished, and also raising this child and the next one that we're adopting. So if you believe in protecting children, I think you should be for gay marriage.

      • Gov. Mike Huckabee: Don't you think, though, we need to be focused more on health than appearance? And I think that sometimes Americans have become obsessed with being skinny rather than really being concerned about being healthy. And being healthy will mean that you're not overweight.

      • Eve Ensler: I interviewed women who would say that the most important thing in their life was losing weight. They weren't thinking about the eradication of reproductive rights; they weren't thinking about violence against women; they weren't thinking about health; they weren't thinking about the war.

      • Bill Maher: If you don't know who Karen Hughes is, she's the longtime advisor to President Bush, and she is the person now who is going to take on the job of Propaganda Czar to the Arab world. And when I heard that, I said, 'Who better than Dallas-based soccer mom Karen Hughes! Who are the Muslims going to listen to more than someone like her? Who has more feel in their bones for how Muslim people think? Does Bush know more than three people?

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