Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 2 Episode 5

February 13, 2004

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Feb 13, 2004 on HBO
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February 13, 2004
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.

Bill's guests tonight are:

* Jason Alexander, actor, most famous for his role as "Costanza" on Seinfeld. * Deborah Simmons, editor and columnist for "The Washington Times." * William Baldwin, actor, one of the Baldwin brothers, he has a degree in political science.

Bill's guests via satellite are:

* Rep. Heather Wilson (R-NM), a member of the Armed Services Committee and on the current panel hearings on obscenity. * James Moore, author of "Bush's War for Re-Election." * Bill Burkett, Lt. Col. (ret) in the Texas Air National Guard.moreless

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    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (4)

      • Bill Maher: New Rule: Keep the Statue of Liberty closed. Since 9/11, the Statue has been off limits for security reasons, and some people are outraged. Why? It's a sacred symbol of our principles, not a Stair Master. Everything doesn't have to be interactive. People go to church, they don't take turns up on the cross. You're not allowed to fill the Liberty Bell with nachos or wear it as a hat. You want to lose yourself inside an American icon? F*#k Shelley Winters. See, we're not CBS.

        Jason Alexander: 'You'd rather see me die! You'd rather see me die!!'

        Bill Maher: New Rule: Keep Dick Cheney in seclusion. With the election nearing, the White House has decided to bring the Veep out of seclusion and soften his image. Please, we like Dick Cheney in seclusion. He's like the creature in the cradle at the end of 'Rosemary's Baby.' It's more frightening when all we see is the rattle in its horrible little hand. Stick to your original strategy. Only bring Cheney out when you're trying to make Ashcroft seem human. And then, to black, you know'

        New Rule: The Sports Illustrated 'Swimsuit Edition' is whacking material for guys too chicken to buy real porn. Apparently between the end of the football season and the beginning of the baseball season is the masturbating season. Which is fine. But to put on a national display of mourning and outrage over one exposed nipple at a sporting event, and the next week to show nothing but tits and ass in our premier sports magazine seems a tad hypocritical. Let's decide once and for all whether breasts are good or evil. Because after all, a nipple is nothing more than a bundle of nerves surrounded by skin, much like Howard Dean.

        New Rule: Stop calling every time two bad things happen at the same time a 'Perfect Storm.' Sometimes it's just some crap happening at the same time as some other crap. Let's go back to what we used to call it before the movie about George Clooney and his epic struggle to kill more tuna: 'Shit happens.'

        New Rule: I don't care that your phone takes pictures. It's a phone, not a Swiss Army knife. Great, now the annoying camera buff and the annoying cell phone prick can merge as one guy. Hey, if you could figure out how to make that camera phone play country western music real loud, we could call it a 'Perfect Storm of assholes.'

        And finally, New Rule, Special Valentine's Day Edition: You can't claim you're the party of smaller government and then make laws about love. On this occasion of this Valentine's Day, let's stop and ask ourselves what business is it of the state how consenting adults choose to pair off, share expenses and eventually stop having sex with each other. And why does the Bush Administration want a Constitutional amendment about weddings? Hey, why stop at weddings? Birthdays are important; let's put them in the great document. Let's make a law that gay people can have birthdays, but straight people get more cake. You know, to send the right message to kids.

        Republicans are always saying we should privatize things like schools, prisons, Social Security. Hey, how about we privatize privacy? Because if the government forbids gay men from tying the knot, what is their alternative? They can't all marry Liza Minnelli.

        You know, Republicans used to be the party that opposed social engineering. But now they push programs to outlaw marriage for some people and encourage it for others. If you're straight, there's a billion-five in the budget to promote marriage, but gay marriage is opposed because it threatens or mocks or does something to the 'sanctity' of marriage, as if anything you can do in Vegas, drunk off your ass in front of an Elvis impersonator, could be considered sacred.

        Half the people who pledge eternal love are doing it because one of them is either knocked up, rich or desperate. But in George Bush's mind, marriage is only a beautiful lifetime bond of love and sharing. Kind of like what his dad has with the Saudis. Please, I kid.

        All right, but at least the right wing aren't hypocrites on this issue. They really believe that homosexuality is an abomination and a dysfunction that's curable. They believe that if a gay man just devotes his life to Jesus, he'll stop being gay, because that theory worked out so well with the Catholic priests.

        But I have to tell you, the greater shame in this story goes to the Democrats, because they don't believe homosexuality is an abomination. And therefore, their refusal to endorse gay marriage is hypocrisy. Their position doesn't come from the Bible. It's ripped right from the latest poll, which says most Americans are against gay marriage.

        Well, you know what? Sometimes most Americans are just wrong. And where is the Democrat who will stand up and go beyond the half measures of 'civil union' and 'hate the sin, love the sinner' and say loud and clear, 'There is no sin; it's not an abomination and no one can control how cupid aims his arrows. And the ones who pretend they can usually turn out to be the biggest freaks.'

        The law in this country should reflect that some people are just born 100% outrageously, fabulously, undeniably, Fire Island gay! And they do not need reprogramming. They need a man with a slow hand!

      • Bill Maher: Speaking of sad charades, let's talk about sex because it's Valentine's Day, and I've read two articles recently that talks about pornography and how dangerous it is to relationships. And I am not thinking that this is wrong. Twenty-five years ago, pornography was a $10 million industry. Now it's over a $10 billion industry mostly because of technology. It's on the Internet. You can get used to have to come in a brown paper bag; now people are doing it on .. husbands sitting home .. not husbands, boyfriends, whoever .. and I think what these articles are saying is it is creating in men's mind an unreasonable standard that their mate in life could never reach, and therefore it is very divisive to relationships.

        Jason Alexander: You know, I'd like to make two serious statements about it. One is that I think, in the same way that violence can create a numbness towards actual violence by being exposed to a lot of screen violence, could in fact numb you to real violence, I think the kind of pornography that's out there, some of it is mind-numbing, and there is so much of it..

        Bill Maher: You've done a study?

        Jason Alexander: Believe me. And, I mean, there's some freaky stuff out there. And there's a lot of it. And I think, if nothing else, you look at this stuff and the excitement goes away and you cannot become stimulated by that kind of sexuality anymore.

        The second thing I would like to say is, thank God I don't have daughters. I would feel very bad for myself and anyone else who is a young woman in their teens and twenties in this country because the images of what acceptable female behavior is, I think .. and I can't believe this is coming out of my mouth .. has gotten to a place where if a young woman is not overtly sexual and trampy or slutty to some degree, she has become a pariah. She has become certainly from the norm.

      • James Moore: I ran high school track against a guy named Roy Dukes, and we all thought he was so great, Bill, that he was going to be an Olympic athlete. And I remember coming home from college one weekend, and I looked in the paper, and he was dead in Vietnam, instead of standing on the Gold Medal stand at the Olympics. And when Governor Bush decided to run for President, I knew his family background. I knew he had privilege. I knew he ended up in this champagne unit. And so, when I was on a gubernatorial debate panel way back in 1994, I thought I was sort of morally obligated to ask the question of him, and I've been waiting about ten years for an answer, and I still haven't gotten one, even though I've spent much of my life trawling for the truth on this thing.

      • Heather Wilson: Bill, wait a minute, Bill. I think this is .. there were five guys that served in the Texas Guard who were contemporaries of George Bush, who didn't make it to their 30th birthday because they were lost in F-102 accidents and incidents. So to say that somehow this service to the country of air defense is less important, I don't think is respectful of the Guard and the mission that they have served for so long.

        Bill Maher: Well, if it's not less important, then why did Colin Powell, in his 1995 biography, say, 'I am angry that so many of the sons of the powerful and well-placed managed to wrangle slots in Reserve and National Guard units'?

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