Bill Maher: And now it is time for New Rules. That's right. New Rules. [slide of Rev. Ted Haggard]
Oh, and there he is, Ted Haggard. Well, you can't make a gay man 100% straight in less than a month, especially if that month contains Fashion Week. A month to change your sexuality? I spent longer than that on hold trying to quit AOL! Guys like Ted Haggard can't just claim to be cured of homosexuality. They should be forced to blow into some sort of "Dickalyzer."
Craig Ferguson: Why was there a picture of me when you said, "Dickalyzer?" Why?!
Bill Maher: Because--
Craig Ferguson: Am I a Dickalyzer to you?! Suddenly, I'm the Dickalyzer! Kids are going to call me that on the street!
Bill Maher: I'm -- I'm trying to get you your citizenship.
Craig Ferguson: Oh, all right.
Bill Maher: New Rule: Don't tell me these skeletons are romantic because they're cuddling. This isn't what everlasting love looks like. It's just what it feels like. For all we know, these two are just the Neolithic Olsen twins.
New Rule: Activists have to stop preying on my liberal sympathies outside of Whole Foods. I know my signature is vital to the anti-war movement, clean needle programs, music in schools, a free Tibet, and the fight against autism in gay polar bears...But I just need some hummus and a can of pinto beans. For $37.00. And if you're going to keep shoving clipboards in my assistant's face, how is she going to do my shopping?!
New Rule: Members of Congress have to stop referring to the other party as their "friend from the other side of the aisle." Please, you're a Republican from Mississippi; he's Barney Frank. You two aren't friends. You're a reality show on Fox. In the future, just be a man about it and say, "I yield back my time to that little shit from North Carolina who won't shut up about Nancy Pelosi's plane."
And finally, New Rule: There's more to being smart than just not misspeaking. A couple of weeks ago, Senator Joe Biden's presidential campaign hit the ground flopping when he described Barack Obama as "articulate and clean." But if you think he's a racist, you're just playing "gotcha." Yes, the remark was cringe-worthy. It always is when someone old and out of touch says something creepy. Even a Chinaman knows that!
However, when it comes to the most important issue of the day, it was this same Joe Biden who recognized first that Iraq was going to end up three countries, and that that wasn't necessarily a bad thing. And I agree. So what if Iraq gets broken up. It's a made-up country anyway. There's only been an Iraq since 1932. It's seven years younger than Paul Newman.
So, the guy who gets it on the big issue of the day, he can't run because he said a black man was "clean." And we care more about a one-second verbal brain fart than we do about who has the right answers.
Howard Dean has been a virtual Nostradamus on predicting what would happen in Iraq from the beginning, but he can't be president because he once shouted, "Yee-haw!"-- two decibels above what we, as Americans, know to be the appropriate level for "Yee-haw!" He's out. He screamed louder than the crowd screaming at him. And the media acted like grandpa just yelled out the "n" word at a ballgame.
John Kerry just botched a joke. But it was about the troops. [does falsetto gasp] So John Kerry, another guy who gets it about how to fight terrorism, he has to go away. Which I'm actually okay with, because watching him run again would be like watching Rex Grossman play another Super Bowl.
This is why I say every candidate must come out now and say or do the stupidest thing they possibly can, and get it out of the way! Hillary Clinton must mispronounce South Carolina, "Mouth Vagina." Barack Obama must tell people he's - quote - "bigger than Jesus."
Mitt Romney must pledge allegiance to the "fag." Rudy Giuliani has to declare at a press conference that he's cheating on his wife, but it's okay because he's undergoing cancer treatment and he can't get an erection anyway... Oh, he did? My bad.
So, does this mean that Joe Biden or Howard Dean should automatically be president? Of course not. But next time some real nasty shit happens to this country, remember, it might have something to do with our election process having turned into an episode of "Survivor."
And by the way, if we're going to choose our presidents by which one never misspeaks, how did we end up with the chimp we have now?!
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