Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 4 Episode 2

February 24, 2006

0
Aired Friday 10:00 PM Feb 24, 2006 on HBO

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  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Bill Maher: It's now time for New Rules, everybody.

      All right. New Rule: Powerball Jackpot winners must stop saying they're not sure if they're going to quit their jobs. Of course you're going to quit your job. And I have news for you. Your co-workers want you to quit your job. Nobody wants to be on the pork-processing line next to the unbearable ass in the Gucci smock.

      New Rule: Ice dancing is not a sport. Take away the skates and the sequins and it's just a public wife-beating. If you saw this happening in a trailer park, you'd call the cops.

      New Rule: If you're too lazy to peel your own fruit, get scurvy and die! Hoping to appeal to teenagers who say they're too busy to peel oranges, Sunkist is introducing a new pre-cut, pre-peeled snack version. Not to be outdone, Baskin-Robbins has created a new cone-less ice cream that your mother pre-chews and spits down your throat.

      New Rule: Since our new national position on science is, "Screw it, we prefer witchcraft," let's not just retire the Space Shuttle Atlantis. Let's drive it to one of the five stupidest states and have the locals beat it with sticks. Putting it in a museum is too dangerous. Someone could steal it, fly it into space and notice we revolve around the sun. They almost booed that, I noticed.

      New Rule: Paula Abdul must go back on drugs. "American Idol" will always have a place in my heart. It's where I met Clay. And what could be more exciting than televised karaoke? But everyone knows the show is most entertaining when Paula is thick-tongued and sleepy-eyed and poised on the brink of yelling, "Who wants to do me?!"

      And finally, New Rule: When a woman over 60 has a baby, it's not a miracle from God. It's a miracle from genetic engineers, fertility experts and the good people at Merck. Here in California last week, a 62-year-old woman with 11 children, 20 grandchildren and three great grandchildren, gave birth again. To a 40-year-old man who walked out.

      At an age when most women are content to putter around the garden or perform the opening number at the Grammys- -Janise Wulf, age 62, told the press at a news conference, "Age is a number. Every time you revolutionize something, there's going to be naysayers." To which the reporters replied, "We're over here!"

      And, lady, let me tell you something. You're not a revolutionary. You're a vagina with no off switch. Twelve kids? Let me guess. You're either a Catholic or a hamster. Look, I don't want to be the one to say that this lady is too old and she's already had enough children. But, this lady is too old and she's already had enough children!

      Hey, when you're 62 and you want children, you have two choices: a) in vitro fertilization, or b) luring them into a house made out of candy.

      But, in vitro fertilization is not for 62-year-old grandmothers. It's for 35-year-old lesbians.

      Irshad Manji: Too old for that.

      Danny Glover: I'm too old.

      Irshad Manji: Been there, done that.

      Bill Maher: I know a little about this subject, because I recently patented a vibrating turkey-baster—ribbed for her enjoyment. And to everybody who came to my last Thanksgiving, I'm very sorry about the mix-up.

      Look, I wouldn't make such a big thing out of it, but it turns out Ms. Wulf is not the first over-60-year-old to have a baby in the last decade. There is a virtual epidemic of granny-sluts who insist on squeezing out children who, when they get older, will face many uncomfortable moments, like when it's parents' day at school and the kid shows up with an urn.

      Why is creating life under any conditions whatsoever so applauded when there are already millions of unwanted kids around the world? And Angelina Jolie can't save them all! In fact, somebody has got to tell this chick that sometimes when you go to a foreign country, it's okay just to bring home a tee-shirt.

      I mean, it's not a crime to be an old lady, is it? In fact, one of the great things about it is that when you have sex, you don't have to worry about getting pregnant. It's like being gay, but not as cool. So don't think of it as being barren. Think of it as "Brokehip Mountain."

      All right. Thank you very much, folks. That's our show. I want to thank my guests, Gary Hart, Danny Glover, Irshad Manji, Nicholas Kristof and Rep. Heather Wilson. Thank you very much, folks. I appreciate it.

    • Bill Maher: But, excuse me, how would you think President Bush would feel if we said to him, "Okay, let's have your Secret Service detail be taken over by the United Arab Emirates?" "If it's okay for all of us, let's have the Arabs protect you, and just hope that ticking sound is Dick Cheney's pacemaker."

    • Irshad Manji: I'm often accused on college campuses of being a Nazi because I dare to critique Islam. So when I ask my critics, "All right, what would you like me to do in order to rectify my Nazi errors?" I'm often told, "Remove certain passages from your book." As if that's not a fascist thing to do.

    • Bill Maher: Bush is in command. And when he heard that sectarian militias had killed hundreds of Iraqis, he called for an immediate invasion of Sectaria.

    • On sending Bill O'Reilly to Darfur
      Nicholas Kristof: You can argue that the people of Darfur have already suffered enough.

    • On religious use of hallucinogenic tea
      Bill Maher: This was such a tough one for the Bush Administration, because on the one hand, they love anything to do with Jesus and religion. On the other hand, they hate any drug that doesn't put money in the pockets of Pfizer.

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