Bill Maher: New Rule: If someone wants to run Haiti bad enough to fight for it, why not give them a shot? Put a chicken in charge. At least when it gets overthrown, they'll have something to eat. Because, you know, Americans, even though we'll eat centipedes and marry dwarves on TV, we won't run Haiti. Because Haiti doesn't have any strategic American interests. And by that, of course, I mean, white people and oil.
New Rule: I don't care how big or flat it is, it's still just a TV. Congratulations! You just paid $10,000 to watch 'Hogan's Heroes.'
New Rule: A hamburger is not the same thing as a car. The Bush Administration wants to reclassify fast-food jobs as manufacturing jobs. Talk about parsing the language. Bill Clinton may have finessed the definition of sex, but he never claimed his penis was actually a glass of lemonade. A Quarter Pounder may spend a week in your colon, but that doesn't make it a 'durable good.'
New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the Equal Protection Clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.
And finally, New Rule: Foreigners can't run for president? I believe only foreigners should run for president. This week, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that when it comes to Constitutional Amendments, he's for one allowing foreign-born Americans to reach the highest office.
Now, at first I was puzzled by his interest in this issue. But then I discovered a little-known fact about the man. He was actually born in Austria. You'd never know it from hearing him talk. But then he is a highly-skilled actor.
And he makes a good point. American presidents are like American beer: bland, watered down and advertised to us like we're morons. They come from boring places like Hope, Arkansas, Yorba Linda, California, and that town in Texas where President Bush was born: New Haven, Connecticut.
You know, just once I would like America's president to be like one of those presidents Italy always has, with the expensive suits and the permanent tan, and the Versace mistress. And there's photos of them making it on a boat, but nobody cares because, hey, that's amore! Quite frankly, I think of foreigners as more educated and more socially progressive, not to mention less likely to wear spurs and a giant Styrofoam cowboy hat to an international poverty conference, and call everybody they meet there, 'Shooter.'
You know, before Kennedy, no one thought you could put a Catholic behind the desk of the Oval Office, and before Clinton, no one knew you could get a Jew under it.
So let's face it. The presidency is a crappy job. And who does crappy jobs we don't want anymore better than foreigners? The average Frenchman knows more geography than we do. The average Japanese knows more math. And the average Guatemalan is already here taking care of your kids.
The job of president is just too damn important to be left to an American. Don't we deserve a presidency injected with savoir faire and worldly sophistication? And who better to deliver that than the grab-ass action hero from 'Jingle All the Way'?
Kwame Kilpatrick: I don't believe that the government should be in a position of protectionism. I think that the government and the president should be talking about how we're going to get jobs going, how we're going to support ' provide health care for Americans, how we're going to get cities back on the right track.
Ian McKellan: President Bush is concerned to preserve the sanctity of marriage. Now, is that the job of a political leader? That's what religious leaders do, isn't it? And then he says that we must preserve marriage as we've known it for a millennium now. Well, he should know that the first relationships between people to be sanctified by the Christian Church were same-sex relationships. That's history.
Bill Maher: Really?
Ian McKellan: Oh, yes. Absolutely. And the changes have happened.
Bill Maher: Well, I know there were popes who were a little..
Ian McKellan: Can I just quote you the third president, because there it is on the Jefferson Memorial, some of the great words .. and I'm sorry I don't know them off by heart, but he says, 'Laws and institutions must go hand in hand with the progress of the human mind. As that becomes more developed, more enlightened, as manners and opinions change, institutions must advance also to keep pace with the times. We might as well require a man to wear still the coat which fitted him when a boy as civilized society to remain ever under the regimen of their barbarous ancestors.' And that's barbarity.
Sandy Rios: I think now that (Bush has) made his statement, we're at least glad he's saying that marriage is between a man and a woman. That's a good start. And so there is some relief that he has come out strongly saying that. I think we have a reason to be happy. Sorry you're not happy about that.
Bill Maher: Well, you know, Constitutional Amendment, that is a pretty serious thing to do. We have thousands and thousands of laws, but the Constitution is pretty short. For something to rise to the level of a Constitutional Amendment, tell me why gay marriage rises to that level?
Sandy Rios: Bill, we have a crisis in our country. Even if you were in favor of gay marriage, we've got anarchy going on, especially in San Francisco. (audience reacts with laughter) And now the mayor of Chicago is insisting that he is going to endorse homosexual marriage. We have marriages taking place in New York and New Mexico. This isn't .. this is a breaking of the law. This is lawlessness. (audience laughter)
And regardless of how you feel about that issue, it should not be allowed. I don't know why your audience is laughing. (laughter) If it were an issue that they were against, they would be very upset about this.
(Discussing "The Passion of the Christ")
Ian McKellan: And you know, and frankly, if you were going to really make a movie about Jesus Christ, wouldn't you want to tell us a little bit about what he believed in and what he did? [applause]
Bill Maher: But that's not what he wanted to do. I mean ..
Ian McKellan: I know he didn't. But those of us who are not too excited by seeing someone scourged for 25 minutes ' unbelievably, he would have been dead long before he was crucified. It's not believable, frankly.
Kwame Kilpatrick: Well, I think it's actually a good opportunity for people to see how Jesus did suffer, because it's the Prince of Peace and everything so nice when you talk about Jesus. But he suffered.
But the other thing, there were no brothers. You know, in Africa and Israel and North Africa and the Middle East at that time, no black people anywhere. And that was a problem.
Bill Maher: I saw you on with Chris Matthews the other day .. and I got very angry. I mean, Chris is a friend of mine. I like him a lot. But he was berating you about the fact that you were not mature enough to be president because, unlike President Bush, you had never married and raised a family. You know, Chris? It's the year 2004, okay, buddy. That is not the only measure of maturity. It was so demeaning to all single people in this country, that the only way you can demonstrate maturity is to spawn? And I would just like to .. I wish you'd punched him in the nose, but you didn't, so I'd like to give you a chance to ..
Ralph Nader: Well, you know, Chris Matthews has turned into media staccato. He's turned from entertainment to caricature. I could hardly stop from laughing when I was on the show. I just couldn't believe it. What is this? No wonder he's parodied on 'Saturday Night Live.'
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