Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 2 Episode 7

February 27, 2004

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Feb 27, 2004 on HBO



  • Quotes

    • Bill Maher: New Rule: If someone wants to run Haiti bad enough to fight for it, why not give them a shot? Put a chicken in charge. At least when it gets overthrown, they'll have something to eat. Because, you know, Americans, even though we'll eat centipedes and marry dwarves on TV, we won't run Haiti. Because Haiti doesn't have any strategic American interests. And by that, of course, I mean, white people and oil.

      New Rule: I don't care how big or flat it is, it's still just a TV. Congratulations! You just paid $10,000 to watch 'Hogan's Heroes.'

      New Rule: A hamburger is not the same thing as a car. The Bush Administration wants to reclassify fast-food jobs as manufacturing jobs. Talk about parsing the language. Bill Clinton may have finessed the definition of sex, but he never claimed his penis was actually a glass of lemonade. A Quarter Pounder may spend a week in your colon, but that doesn't make it a 'durable good.'

      New Rule: Gay marriage won't lead to dog marriage. It is not a slippery slope to rampant inter-species coupling. When women got the right to vote, it didn't lead to hamsters voting. No court has extended the Equal Protection Clause to salmon. And for the record, all marriages are same sex marriages. You get married, and every night, it's the same sex.

      And finally, New Rule: Foreigners can't run for president? I believe only foreigners should run for president. This week, Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger said that when it comes to Constitutional Amendments, he's for one allowing foreign-born Americans to reach the highest office.

      Now, at first I was puzzled by his interest in this issue. But then I discovered a little-known fact about the man. He was actually born in Austria. You'd never know it from hearing him talk. But then he is a highly-skilled actor.

      And he makes a good point. American presidents are like American beer: bland, watered down and advertised to us like we're morons. They come from boring places like Hope, Arkansas, Yorba Linda, California, and that town in Texas where President Bush was born: New Haven, Connecticut.

      You know, just once I would like America's president to be like one of those presidents Italy always has, with the expensive suits and the permanent tan, and the Versace mistress. And there's photos of them making it on a boat, but nobody cares because, hey, that's amore! Quite frankly, I think of foreigners as more educated and more socially progressive, not to mention less likely to wear spurs and a giant Styrofoam cowboy hat to an international poverty conference, and call everybody they meet there, 'Shooter.'

      You know, before Kennedy, no one thought you could put a Catholic behind the desk of the Oval Office, and before Clinton, no one knew you could get a Jew under it.

      So let's face it. The presidency is a crappy job. And who does crappy jobs we don't want anymore better than foreigners? The average Frenchman knows more geography than we do. The average Japanese knows more math. And the average Guatemalan is already here taking care of your kids.

      The job of president is just too damn important to be left to an American. Don't we deserve a presidency injected with savoir faire and worldly sophistication? And who better to deliver that than the grab-ass action hero from 'Jingle All the Way'?