Bill Maher: New Rule: If everybody was wrong about the weapons of mass destruction, then somebody has to say, 'My bad.' When Bill Clinton was in the White House, we investigated his business partners, his wife's business partners, the guy who was governor after him, the girls who did him, his travel agents and the guy who cut his hair. For some reason, the two words this president just can't seem to say are 'Sorry' and 'nuclear.'
Something is terribly wrong when the only person who has been fired over terrorism is me.
New Rule: Stop scaring us with diseases we will never get. First, it was SARS, then it was monkey pox, West Nile, and now Asian bird flu. Which doesn't scare me because I'm not a sparrow in Thailand. Mysterious Asian diseases just don't come knocking on your door unless you're Neil Bush.
New Rule: Update the Hajj. Every year ' every year, the words 'Islamic' and 'stampede' seem to appear in the same sentence when millions of Muslims descend upon Mecca to observe what's called the Hajj. I don't understand Arabs. You've got most of the oil in the world, and your religion involves walking? Next year, I want to see a looser Hajj with a cooler name like 'Allah-palooza.'
Andrew Sullivan: You're just going to get bombed.
Bill Maher: That's going to happen, yeah.
Carol Moseley-Braun: Sorry.
Rob Schneider: They don't get your show on Al-Jazeera'
Bill Maher: I hope not.
New Rule: Stop running TV ads I don't understand. You've seen this one for IBM? I don't know if it's for weapons of mass destruction or a stool softener. Then there's the one with clouds moving in fast motion and some Buddhist monks on a cell phone, and then James Earl Jones comes on and says, 'We're the world leader in virtual network upstream data retrieval.' What? Hey, fuck you! You know what? I watch TV to see bimbos marry strangers for money. If I want to be confused, I'll take mushrooms.
And finally, New Rule: Southerners have to at least consider voting for candidates from the North. North Carolina Senator John Edwards has a powerful argument in his bid to be the Democratic nominee when he says, 'What I give people is a candidate who can win everywhere in America.' Translation: 'We Southerners ain't gonna vote for no Yankee.' 'You suckers up north will take our Clintons and Carters, but we just ain't buyin' Kerrys and Deans.'
And that's a shame, not just for Democrats, but for democracy itself. And I feel bad for the millions of intelligent people who live in a region still dominated by so much prejudice that anyone who wants to be president better have a twang in his voice and pronounce all the 'e's' in the word 'shit.'
I'm sorry, but responding only to people who look and sound like you is small-minded. So if Southerners don't want to have an inferiority complex, I say, stop doing things that make reasonable people think you're inferior. Like getting rid of slavery was a good start. But don't stop there. Stop being the place that's always challenging the theory of evolution.
What's next to challenge? Gravity? Is that just a plot by the Jews up north to get people to drop spare change?
And I like the South. I love to party there. But Southerners need to let go of the Civil War, beginning with those re-enactments. First of all, you're re-enacting something you lost. It's one thing .. it's one thing to gloat about victory, but when you do it about losing, your front porch is a few couches short of being decorated.
The time has come to move on. The time has come to consider, just consider, voting for a Yankee. Howard Dean's Vermont and John Kerry's Massachusetts are no longer where carpetbaggers come from. Carpet munchers, yes. That, we have established.
But there is..
Rob Schneider: Hey, HBO, baby!
Bill Maher: But there is no good reason that America, at this late date, still needs to be a house divided. At bottom, we all want the same things: dignity, security and someone to slap the shit out of Janet Jackson.
Bill Maher: We were talking about this last week. And what we were saying was that we did the 'Republican Guide to Dating and Marriage.' And so I promised this week we would do the 'Democratic Guide.'
Carol Moseley-Braun: Oh, this is funny.
Bill Maher: For example: 'Never take your spouse for granted. Save that for the black vote.' This is the Democratic..
'Don't go to bed angry, unless it's that sexy Howard Dean kind of angry.'
'Remember, it's not adultery, it's diversity.'
'Sex should be adventurous and uninhibited. Remember, you can always get an abortion later.' This is the .. it's the Democratic..
Carol Moseley-Braun: Oh, now wait a minute! Bill, that was awful.
Bill Maher: 'After an evening of bondage, always be willing to discuss reparations.' This is the..
Carol Moseley-Braun: I didn't think you could do worse. You did.
Bill Maher: 'In a marriage, no hurt is so great that it can't be solved by sitting down, looking deep into your wife's eyes and asking her if she'd like to be the Junior Senator from New York.'
And finally, 'Remember, if size really mattered, elections would be won by the guy with the most votes.'
Rob Schneider: I'm for gay marriage.
Andrew Sullivan: And I'm right behind you.
Andrew Sullivan: If you look at his voting record, John Kerry is just Ted Kennedy without the booze and hookers.
Ron Suskind: I'm not pro-Bush or anti-Bush. I mean, I am pro-fact. That's what I'm about. Facts. Let the facts out. Lay them on the table. We can have better discussions about what's real instead of arguments about what we're not permitted to know. Americans agree about this.
Bill Maher: ..it is an issue this week because of the Janet Jackson debacle. And people have been asking me all week what's my take on this. I would just say that, was it appropriate for her to do that? No. Was it in bad taste? Yes. But, if it bothered you, as the sacred viewer, for more than five minutes, let alone all day, the next day and all week, then it is on you. What a bunch of babies this country is. Am I right or wrong about that? I'm embarrassed to be an American this week. Seriously, I've been telling people I'm Canadian.
Rob Schneider: It's something for the Europeans to make fun of us again. I think if it was Britney's boob, it wouldn't have been such a big deal. I think it was the right idea, wrong tit.
Bill Maher: But if I can just ask another question about the issue itself, I mean, I can understand why Republicans are against gay marriage because most right-wingers truly believe that homosexuality is an abomination and that it can be cured, you know, usually through Jesus. I assume you don't feel it's an abomination, and that you don't feel it can be stamped out. So if it's here to stay, why shouldn't they be able to do what every other American can do?
Jennifer Granholm: Well, I think that the question is whether they would be able to choose to love somebody and to unite in a single union, and have it be viewed as a monogamous relationship for life. If you say that marriage itself is permitted or somehow protected in the Constitution, then there's a question about the First Amendment and the free exercise of religion. And so you may have a conflict there because there are many religions that would not want to be forced in a church proceeding to have somebody marry. But the idea of having the union able to occur and protected in some way, I think is a good idea, and it encourages people to stay monogamous, which is often what the Republicans would like to see happen.
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