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Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 2 Episode 1

January 16, 2004

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Jan 16, 2004 on HBO
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Episode Summary

January 16, 2004
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A. Bill's guests tonight are: * Reverend Al Sharpton, African-American leader and Democratic Presidential candidate. * Ron Silver, Actor and Director, Tony Award winner. * Rep.Darrell Issa (R-CA), known for his support of anti-marijuana laws and the Patriot Act. Bill's guests via satellite are: * Gen. Wesley Clark (Ret.), former commander of NATO forces and Democratic Presidential candidate. * Moby, singer/songwriter and one of the men behind MoveOn.Org.moreless

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Bill Maher: New Rule: Don't memorialize an attack that left two giant gaping holes in the ground by building two giant gaping holes in the ground! That doesn't look like a monument. It looks like Donald Trump started to build something and went bankrupt again.

        New Rule: You can't criticize a governor, Al, for not hiring black people in his cabinet when his state has no black people.

        Al Sharpton: Yes, I can.

        Darrell Issa: He did get you on that.

        Al Sharpton: No, he didn't.

        Bill Maher: No, no. When he was governor of Vermont, Howard Dean, it's true, never appointed an African American to his cabinet, possibly because there's only one African American in Vermont, and she's on the maple syrup bottle. [Aunt Jemima syrup bottle shown]

        Darrell Issa: HBO.

        Bill Maher: New Rule: Three and a half hours is too long for a movie about magical midgets. 'The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King' is so long you have to take a pee break before you get through the title. The 'Rings' trilogy runs almost nine hours. You could marry Britney Spears twice. If I wanted to spend that kind of time seeing dragons, I'll take drugs.

        New Rule: George Bush isn't Hitler. In the contest sponsored by MoveOn.org, two entries compared Bush to Hitler, ignoring the first rule for being taken seriously by grown-ups, which is don't call everyone you don't like, Hitler. Bush is not Hitler. For one thing, Hitler was a decorated frontline combat veteran.

        Also, in the election that brought him to power in 1933, Hitler got more votes than the other candidate. And Hitler had a mustache. So let's all take a rest from playing the Hitler card. Unless we're talking about Saddam Hussein. Now, that guy was Hitler. [bell sounds]

        Darrell Issa: Or at least Mussolini-plus.

        Bill Maher: Mussolini-plus. And finally, Iowa is not the boss of me. Why do Iowans get to be the ones to decide who loses to Bush in November? Nothing against Iowa, but this whole early caucus is just their way of getting attention. Paris Hilton makes a video; they have a caucus. A caucus of people who are not exactly representative of Iowa, let alone America. I've spent time in Iowa. Their idea of a minority is the Irish.

        Wetzel's Pretzels are considered soul food there. And yet most of the candidates have been living in Iowa lately, all vying to set up the most efficient, statewide ass-kissing machine. Leveling with the voters about the big issues facing America today: ethanol subsidies and tax credits for manure spreaders.

        Now, as a citizen of a state other than Iowa, watching all this, as you might imagine, it makes me giddy at the embarrassment of riches with which I'm being presented. Gosh, Dean is better at flipping pancakes, but Edwards looks so good milking a cow. Lieberman can name more books in the Bible, but Dick Gephardt's kid almost died. I guess I'm undecided.

        Undecided about the candidates. Not about Iowa and the caucus system. Now, in case you're wondering exactly what this caucus system is, okay, in all 99 of Iowa's precincts, they lock small groups of people in a house or a school for up to eight hours, during which time you discuss the various candidates with your neighbors. And when the Sanka runs out, you vote.

        Everybody gets a turn trying to sell everybody else on their candidate. And ultimately, people try to form alliances and get other delegates to vote with them. So it's good to know the way we pick the leader of the free world is kind of an in-home version of 'Survivor.'

        Now, this may have been a viable way of picking candidates in the 1800s, but now that we have modern conveniences like the telegraph..it does ring a tad archaic. Sorry, but you just don't choose a president by locking a bunch of older, white extremists in a room and not letting them out until someone gets 15% support. That's how you choose a pope.

      • Darrell Issa: The fact is, the abuse of undocumented workers by many employers is legendary. These people are in a position in which they're paid cash under the table by people who aren't paying their fair share of taxes, that are competing against law-abiding companies by using these techniques. There's a lot of that that needs to be cleaned up.

        The whole cash economy that comes from this is adverse. There is no question that you have 9 million people who are here outside the system ' and oh, by the way, the system is abusing. Part of the reason the President needs to get hold of this, is alien accountability. We need to know who the good and the bad guys are. Part of it is to get rid of a cash economy, which will bring in revenue, by the way, something that the Reverend would like to see added, so we can do more good work.

        And last but not least, part of it is simply a matter of having these people have an opportunity to go back and forth, build up their home countries, if that was their goal. Many people come to this country to make a living and send money home. And what we've done is we've made it hard to get over the border, so they come over here and hide out, and are taken advantage of, and try to send money home.

      • Al Sharpton: Well, then we should have said to the American people exactly what you said. We should have said to the American people that we feel he's committing genocide, that he rises to the level of Mussolini, and let's go to war. That is not what we told the American people. The American people were told that he had weapons of mass destruction, we were in imminent danger; he had ties to Al Qaeda and we had to go in. And that was a lie.

      • Bill Maher: Let me ask you a serious question that you are more qualified to answer than probably anybody else in this race. I read recently that soldiers who get killed in Iraq, their families get $12,000. It's called a death benefit. Folks who died in the World Trade Center, their families get $1.8 million on an average. Now, I've said before ' I think I wrote it in my book ' that a victim is someone who finds himself in harm's way, and a hero is someone who puts himself in harm's way. How come the people who put themselves in harm's way get 12 grand and the people who find themselves in harm's way get $1.8 million?

        Wesley Clark: Bill, it is .. they actually .. our soldiers can participate in group life insurance so they get more than that, but I'll tell you something, it's absolutely unfair and unjust. Our soldiers aren't well taken care of. Our soldiers' families are not well taken care of. And our guard and reservists' families are not well taken care of. And we owe our men and women in uniform an awful lot in this country.

      • Bill Maher: There was one awkward moment at the Michael Jackson arraignment when the judge said to Michael, 'How do you plead?' And he said, 'I usually give them a cookie and say I'm lonely.'

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