Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 2 Episode 2

January 23, 2004

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Jan 23, 2004 on HBO
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Episode Summary

January 23, 2004
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Bill's guests tonight are: * Richard Belzer, actor most famous from Law & Order: SVU. * David Frum, former speech writer for George W. Bush. * Farai Chideya, journalist and contributor to NPR. Bill's guests via satellite are: * Sen. John Edwards (D-SC), Democratic Presidential candidate. * Ralph Nader, consumer activist and independent Presidential candidate.moreless

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    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Bill Maher: All right, New Rule number one: Not everything is for the young. The company that makes Jimmy Dean Sausage has dropped 75-year-old spokesperson Jimmy Dean, because they want to reach out to the young, hip sausage eater. Sorry, guys, there aren't any. It's sausage, not a cell phone that plays, 'Hey Ya!' Let the old guy sell it. What the hell. He'll be dead soon anyway, probably from eating sausage.

        New Rule: The end of 'Friends' is not a national tragedy. You know, it used to be a sitcom just went off the air. One week, Darren was complaining to Samantha about Larry Tate; the next week, he wasn't, and nobody cared. Each of the characters on 'Friends' has fucked every other character on 'Friends' in every combination possible, including the monkey. Let it go!

        New Rule: Don't get movie blurbs from the Pope. This week, the Vatican clarified that the Pope didn't really say, 'It is as it was,' when he saw the new Mel Gibson Jesus movie. What he really said was, 'James Caviezel is Christ-erric!' 'Monica Bellucci puts the m-m-m in Mary Magdalene. She could wash my feet anytime!' 'A rock-hard 10 on the Saint Peter-Meter!'

        New Rule: The State of the Union must be used to describe the 'state of the Union.' It's not a shopping list, and it's not a bad Andy Rooney routine. 'You know what I hate? When gay people do it.' 'Athletes on drugs are bad. You know what I like? Paramedics.' You're the President! Not some guy at White House fantasy camp!

        And finally, New Rule: You can't get to be President by screaming for it. I know it hurts to lose, but once you make me cringe, it's over. The good news, Howard Dean, is you're no longer the angry guy. The bad news is, you're the 'creepy guy.' You're the weird uncle everyone tries to avoid at the family Christmas party. You're the guy at the bar who was just starting to make a girl like him, and then said something incredibly stupid like, 'You'd look really hot if you lost ten pounds.'

        Now, of course it's unfair that a single image wreck a lifetime of the positive, but in this case, I'm going to have to go with that. Sorry, but in running for President, the art of watching out for your image is part of the obstacle course. Americans don't want an unstable President. He might do something crazy like start a war.

        Americans like their candidates sunny and optimistic. Like Reagan, he was sunny. FDR was the sunniest Democrat, but he had polio and his wife was a dyke. There was nowhere to go but up. Ross Perot, on the other hand, was all about the angry, and that's what people liked about him, the fact that he was maximally pissed off at all times, like Joe Pesci without the movie star good looks.

        Republicans aren't afraid to be angry. Does anyone remember the daily parade of red-faced right-wingers pointing and screaming at Bill Clinton's cock for three years? Please, Republicans invented angry. And there's nothing wrong with anger properly directed. Americans don't have too much outrage. They have too little, considering they're being poisoned, medicated, ripped off and lied to.

        Now, Howard Dean ' Howard Dean, you have done a great service for your party, because you are the one who got their blood boiling again. And for that, I tip my hat to you. You are a trailblazer, one who goeth before, like John the Baptist. And now, like him, we'd like your head. I know it's unfair, but it's just a fact of life. Even nice people cannot vote for someone if there's a tape of him freaking out at a concert!

      • Ralph Nader: Drug addiction, like nicotine addiction and alcohol addiction, should not be a reason to put people in jail. It's a health problem. It should be viewed, at the core, as a health and rehabilitation problem, with the law enforcement on the edges of the problem.

      • David Frum: (On the Bush tax cut being a burden for future generations) Well, whenever this point is made, it's seldom made with an enthusiasm actually to restrain the spending, which would be a good thing. It's made as, well, let's finance the spending now. And there's a war on. And wars are financed by borrowing. And that's how we financed World War II. That's how we financed the First World War. It's the right way to finance wars, because the benefit of that war accrues to your children and grandchildren. And we found actually paying for World War II was not so burdensome when we paid for it in the 1960s instead of paying for it in the 1940s.

        Richard Belzer: But we were lied to about this war and were told that the oil there would pay for it, and other things would pay for it. Now we're paying for it.

      • Bill Maher: (Speaking of Bush's fiscal policy) This is a guy who has no problem spending money. Now, I used to hear the phrase, 'tax-and-spend Democrats,' but isn't 'tax-and-spend' better than 'don't-tax-and-spend'?

        Farai Chideya: Absolutely. No, it's absolutely right. I mean, you know, spending has gone up by 27% under this conservative. And no-tax-and-spend is a recipe for disaster, and that's exactly where we are in terms of our deficit.

      • John Edwards: You know, this is the President who is completely married to big corporations, big insurance companies, big business, and he's criticizing me and others like me because I have fought for regular people against those very people. You know, this is a debate I want. I mean, the people of America, I want them to decide between a candidate for President who's consistently and always been on the side of the Enrons of the world, and a candidate who in fact has been on their side fighting for them. This is a fight I want with this President.

    • NOTES (0)

    • ALLUSIONS (1)

      • Bill Maher: "Eat a worm." "You're fired." "You're not hot enough."

        Bill is referring to the reality shows Fear Factor, The Apprentice and Are you Hot? respectively.