Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 4 Episode 4

March 10, 2006

0
Aired Friday 10:00 PM Mar 10, 2006 on HBO

Trivia

FILTER BY TYPE

  • Trivia

  • Quotes

    • Bill Maher: It is time for New Rules, everybody! New Rules! Larry, your favorite.

      Now, New Rule: Until one of the winners of "America's Next Top Model" gets an actual modeling job, they can't use the name, "Top Model." These women seem nice, but they're not "top models," because they aren't breathtaking beauties, Eastern European or 12. So let's call the show what it actually is: "A Bunch of 9's Taking Sh** From Tyra Banks." What's the hissing?

      New Rule: If Tom Delay gets to smile in his mug shot, because crimes are cute, he has to run for re-election dressed as the Hamburglar. "Hey, Texas, I'm a happy criminal! Vote for me!" Also, Dennis Hastert has to run as Grimace. No reason. He just kind of looks like Grimace.

      New Rule: I'm sorry you got beaten up by Yanni, but when you roll with a brother this motherf***in' hardcore, you can't call 5-0 when he plays a little rough.

      New Rule: The only drug sold at Wal-Mart should be pot in the parking lot. Wal-Mart has announced that they will now dispense the "morning-after" contraceptive pill, because nothing says to a young lady, "I really care," like a trip to Wal-Mart. Besides, Wal-Mart shoppers already have access to the most effective form of birth control: watching how children behave at Wal-Mart.

      New Rule: Stop saying "Brokeback Mountain" lost Best Picture because of a homosexual backlash. The only homosexual backlash in Hollywood involves an actual homosexual literally hitting you on the back with a lash. Besides, if "Brokeback Mountain" taught us anything, it's that there's nothing wrong with coming in number-two.

      Oh, are we still on? And finally, New Rule: Consenting adults, not governments, must be the ones to decide what constitutes a marriage. But if you applaud that for gay marriage, you have to applaud it for polygamy. Which comes from "poly" meaning "many" and "gamy" meaning a musky odor in the bedroom. Now, by now, I'm sure you've heard how the Mormons are upset about a new HBO show called "Sex With the Entire City." But, you know, Mormons should just be happy that Scientology came along and made them the second-weirdest.

      But, for everybody else, if you really are for the principle that all families don't have to look alike, then you have to admit polygamy is hot! And if you take the husband out, it's even hotter! That's right. I'm not only for polygamy, I'm for gay polygamy. Okay, lesbian polygamy. But, really, I'm for any sexual perversion the Swedes can dream up and the Japanese can make disgusting.

      So - so when the conservatives say gay marriage could lead to polygamous marriage, I say, "Quit selling, Jesus-freak. You had me at 'hello.'"

      Now, it comes down to who decides what love is, and what commitment means. The government? A church? No, sadly, it's Dr. Phil. Who, it was in the news last week, is selling his Ferrari. That's right. It turns out we've all been taking relationship advice from the "fat middle-aged, bald guy who drives a Ferrari!"

      Which, of course, is Italian for "I'm not banging my wife." It's also all the evidence you need that the dirty little secret about polygamy is that it really does suit human nature. Because middle-aged women, they don't want that fat, beer-breathed old coot climbing on them anyway! So, ladies, why not let the latest-to-be-hired do the crummiest job. Just like at the office.

      Maybe it's monogamy that just isn't natural. And don't tell me about the prairie vole. Yes, the prairie vole is monogamous. That's because it has no cash. Also, all voles look alike. They have no idea if they're screwing or masturbating.

      But the question all women have to look in the mirror and ask themselves is, "Would you rather be the second wife of George Clooney or the only wife of Willard Scott?"

      All right. That's our show. I want to thank my guests: Larry Miller, Gloria Steinem, Ramesh Punnuru, John Burns and Pete Rose. Thank you, everybody. Good night!

    • Pete Rose: I'm baseball's best ambassador. You know, I'm here in the Forum shops 15 days a month taking pictures with grandmas and shaking hands with little kids, and signing autographs for moms and dads, and spreading the goodwill of baseball. Players make so damn much money today they don't think they need to sell the game.

    • Gloria Steinem: But if he invaded the wrong country, what makes us think he's going to wiretap the right people?

    • Gloria Steinem: Bush breaks a law and then he gets his Republican majority in Congress to change the law so he hasn't broken it.

    • John Burns: There were many mistakes made, but my feeling is that if this fails, as I have to say, on the balance of the odds, it seems now likely to do, it's probably not going to be because of American mistakes, but because the mission was impossible in the first place.

    • Bill Maher: I thought it was refreshing that John Edwards last week - the first Democrat to come out and say, "You know what? I was wrong to have voted for the authorization to go to war." It's nice to see one politician who is not so insecure that they can't admit that they made a mistake. And I think more Democrats should take that path, instead of the Hillary Clinton path, quite frankly.

    • Bill Maher: That Dubai ports deal finally died. We have a lot of ports here in L.A. We care about this. And port security will go back to being handled by the same people who were handling it before: nobody.

  • Notes

  • Allusions

Thursday
No results found.
Friday
No results found.
Saturday
No results found.
More
Less