Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 5 Episode 5

March 16, 2007

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Mar 16, 2007 on HBO
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March 16, 2007
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.

Tonight, Bill welcomes:

* Jason Alexander, actor on TV's "Seinfeld" and regular guest on Real Time.
* Dan Rather, former CBS news anchor and respected journalist.
* Martha Raddatz, chief White House correspondent for ABC and formerly of NPR.

Bills guests via satellite:

* Chris Rock, actor, formerly of SNL, known for his outspoken comedic routines.
* Fmr. Gov. Mike Huckabee (R-AR), possible 2008 presidential candidate who is known to espouse personal fitness and creationism.
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    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (5)

      • Bill Maher: New Rule: Don't worry about your kids getting fatter, just because McDonald's is trying to move them from the Quarter-Pounder to a new One-Third-Pounder. It won't work. They're American kids. They don't know a third is bigger than a quarter.

        New Rule: Khalid Shaikh Mohammed must get a new head shot. Dude, I don't care how long your resume is; with this photo, [photo shown of Mohammed] you'll be lucky to get a gig blowing up a dinner theater. Look at you. You're like the Arab Nick Nolte. You look like Ron Jeremy with a hangover! You think you were tortured before? Wait until we start waxing off that chest hair! And, by the way, "Shaikh" -there's nothing chic about that outfit. That shirt doesn't say "Death to America." It says, "Flashdance, What a Feeling." I can't believe we have the same agent.

        New Rule: Star Jones must put the weight back on. Girlfriend, before, you had gravitas and presence. Now you look like one of the chicks Flava-Flav sends home. I want my old Star back! The one that said, "Talk to the hand," and the hand had powdered sugar on it.

        New Rule: Get those poor Cialis people out of the matching bathtubs. No wonder this poor guy can't get hard. They're not even in the same tub! "Gee, honey, we've been sitting in freezing water in public for an hour" --"waiting for the Zodiac killer to come by and murder us, and you're still not in the mood?" "Maybe it's time to call your doctor."

        And finally, New Rule: Liberals must stop saying President Bush hasn't asked Americans to sacrifice for the war on terror. On the contrary, he's asked us to sacrifice something enormous. Our civil rights.

        Now, when I heard George Bush was reading my emails, I probably had the same reaction you did: George Bush can read?! Yes, he can. And this administration has read your phone records, credit card statements, mail, Internet logs. I can't tell if they're fighting a war on terror or producing the next season of "Cheaters." I mail myself a copy of the Constitution every morning just on the hope they'll open it and see what it says.

        So -so when it comes to sacrifice, don't kid yourself. You have given up a lot. You've given up faith in your government's honesty, the goodwill of people overseas, and six-tenths of the Bill of Rights. Here's what you've sacrificed: search and seizure, warrants, self-incrimination, trial by jury, cruel and unusual punishment. Here's what you have left: hand guns, religion, and they can't make you quarter a British soldier. If Prince Harry invades the Inland Empire, he has to bring a tent.

        You know, in previous wars on the home front made a very different kind of sacrifice. During World War II, we endured rationing, paid higher taxes, bought war bonds, and in the interest of national unity, people even pretended Bob Hope was funny. Right, like you laughed at him.

        Okay, women, donated their silk undergarments so they could be sewn into parachutes. Can you imagine nowadays a Britney Spears or a Lindsay Lohan going without underwear? Bad example.

        But, look, George Bush has never been too bright about understanding "fereigners." But he does know Americans. He asked this generation to sacrifice the things he knew we would not miss: our privacy and our morality. He let us keep the money. But he made a cynical bet that we wouldn't much care if we became a "Big Brother" country that has now tortured a lot of random people.

        And yet no one asks the tough questions like, "Is torture necessary?" "Who will watch the watchers?" "And when does Jack Bauer go to the bathroom?" I mean, it's been five years. Is he wearing one of those astronaut diapers?

        In conclusion, after 9/11, President Bush told us Osama bin Laden could run but he couldn't hide. But, then he ran and hid. So, Bush went to Plan B: pissing on the Constitution and torturing random people.

        Conservatives always say the great thing Reagan did was make us feel good about America again. Well, do you feel good about America now? I'll give you my answer, and to get it out of me, you don't even have to hold my head underwater and have a snarling guard dog rip my nuts off. No, I don't feel very good about that.

        They say evil happens when good men do nothing. Well, the Democrats prove it also happens when mediocre people do nothing.

      • Dan Rather: You cannot claim to be a well-informed citizen and only look at the Internet. But, I don't think you can be a well-informed citizen anymore and not look at the Internet.

      • Dan Rather: But this nexus between the press and the people they're supposed to cover has become far too close, far too chummy. And, frankly, I think there'll be some correction as a result of the Libby trial, or at least a little more often, saying, "You know, I need to have access, but there's a limit to the price I will pay for that access."

      • Bill Maher: We have been on the air now for this new season five weeks. Three out of the five weeks, there's been a Bush scandal. Scooter Libby, Walter Reed, now Alberto Gonzales. It's not me. I don't have it out for this guy.

      • Chris Rock: [on Rudy Giuliani] He's like a pit bull. It's great if somebody is breaking in your house. But if they're not, you know, the pit bull might eat your kids.

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