Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 4 Episode 5

March 17, 2006

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Mar 17, 2006 on HBO
out of 10
User Rating
6 votes

By Users

Write A Review

Episode Summary

March 17, 2006
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Bill Maher talks with actor/comedian Richard Belzer, writer Michele Mitchell, Rep. Ileana Ros-Lehtinen, Michael Stipe, and television anchor Lou Dobbs.

Who was the Episode MVP ?

No results found.
No results found.
No results found.

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (6)

    • Bill Maher: Time for New Rules, everybody.

      New Rule: When President Bush—[laughter at photo of Bush with autistic young man] — when President Bush meets an autistic teenager, they must wear name tags so we can tell them apart.

      New Rule: Stop saying you're resigning because you want to spend more time with your family or because you want to return to the private sector, or because of your health. That's all just code for "I'm about to be indicted." Oh, and by the way, one way to tell you're not a brilliant criminal mastermind? When you get taken down by the checkout girl at Target.

      New Rule: Bluetooth headset users have to do something that lets me know you're just on the phone and not a dangerous schizophrenic. Right? We don't know if you're talking to your secretary or the evil leprechaun who lives in your head. You're not the chief communications officer of the Starship Enterprise. You're a shoe salesman asking your mom if you can bring over your laundry. If I wanted to overhear every tedious scrap of brain static rattling around in your head, I'd read your blog.

      New Rule: You can't be as tired as we are of you. The latest excuse for Bush Administration foul-ups is that top members of the White House staff are physically and emotionally exhausted. ["aw" from the audience] Hmm. If there was just some sort of stress-relieving activity that could be performed right there in the Oval Office...

      Richard Belzer: Great job.

      Bill Maher: Yeah, well, I'd suggest a nice vacation out in the country, but the last time that happened, somebody got shot.

      And finally, New Rule: The Republican and Democratic frontrunners for president in 2008 have to stop making me throw up until at least 2007. This week, the Republicans had a straw poll for the 2008 presidential election. 2008? The Democrats still have work to do losing the midterms. Diebold hasn't even started printing the false ballots!

      And President "McDumbass" still has three more years of bloopers, boners and practical jokes!

      But an interesting thing happened at this straw poll. Senator John McCain, the man the Vietnamese couldn't crack in torture chambers, got up and said, "Don't vote for me. Vote for George Bush, even though he can't run again." Wow, this guy is so far up Bush's ass, he can taste the near-beer. Because, in America, if you want the nomination bad enough, we can't just see you eat dirt; we have to watch you lick it off your lips.

      And if you're going to win a national election, we're going to need to see some real proof that you're stupid enough to carry Kansas. Sorry, but if you think that issues like creationism or flag-burning or boys kissing are more important than messing up Iraq, the state of health insurance and the evaporating planet earth, then I have two words for you: the Sylvan Learning Center. Okay, that's four words, but the point remains...

      The vote that frontrunners McCain and Hillary Clinton have already made very clear they're going after the wedge-issue cement-heads. McCain, who once called Jerry Falwell and Pat Robertson "forces of evil," has now come out for teaching "intelligent design." That is sad, when smart people have to pretend to be so dumb to get elected.

      Hillary - Hillary Clinton is all upset about flag-burning. Really? The valedictorian at Wellesley? The graduate of Yale Law School and the first female in outer space? Is upset about flag-burning?! And not just flag-burning. She's also come out hard against sexy video games and easy access to abortions. Great. What am I supposed to do now on Saturday night?

      But if, like Hillary Clinton, America sees you as a true intellectual—and by that, of course, I mean lesbian—you have to smile extra wide when you get fitted for your "I'm with Stupid" tee-shirt. It may look easy, but when you're a politician, it's hard to figure out 'what would soccer moms think Jesus would do' before you answer every question.

      So, don't get me wrong. I love idiots. I just don't think they should be in charge. And I'll tell you why. Because the majority of Americans are not idiots. Assholes, yes. But, idiots, no.

      Thank you very much. That's our show. I want to thank my guests, Michele Mitchell, Richard Belzer, Ileana Ros-Lehtinen - you're okay - Lou Dobbs and Michael Stipe. Thank you, folks.

    • Michael Stipe: As an Army brat and a proud son of a proud veteran, a three time veteran - twice in Vietnam, once in Korea, I have to say it's offensive to me that the current administration are comprised largely of hawkish politicians, career politicians, who have never served and in fact in many cases went out of their way not to serve.

    • About U.S. troops
      Richard Belzer: They don't read 20 newspapers a day. They're under the threat of death every minute. They're not the best people to ask about the war because they're going to die any minute.

    • Bill Maher: I see we had a big operation - "Swarmer" - this week. There just seems to be these big operations where we take back a town that the insurgents have. But then, of course, we don't have enough troops to hold that town. So the insurgents scatter and it looks like a big "Whack-a-Mole" game.

    • Lou Dobbs: The difference between the Democrats and the Republicans right now is no more than the most technical word I can think of, a skosh. They are both dominated by corporate money.

    • About Chile's new president
      Bill Maher: Michelle Bachelet is her name... She is a single mother, a socialist and an agnostic. In this country not only could she not be elected president, but her phone would be tapped by the FBI.

  • NOTES (0)