Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 6 Episode 9

March 7, 2008

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Mar 07, 2008 on HBO
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March 7, 2008
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.

Bill's panel tonight are:

* Joe Scarborough, host of MSNBC's "Scarborough Country."
* Adam Goldberg, actor/director, currently on HBO's "Entourage."
* Farai Chideya, journalist, from NPR.

Bill's other guests are:

* Terry McAuliffe, Hillary Clinton's campaign chairman.
* Jeremy Scahill, author of "Blackwater", Real Time reporter.moreless

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SUBMIT REVIEW
    Terry McAuliffe

    Terry McAuliffe

    Self

    Guest Star

    Adam Goldberg

    Adam Goldberg

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    Guest Star

    Farai Chideya

    Farai Chideya

    Self

    Guest Star

    Jeremy Scahill

    Jeremy Scahill

    Real Time Real Reporter

    Recurring Role

    Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions

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    • TRIVIA (0)

    • QUOTES (6)

      • Bill Maher: New Rule: No more pictures of the candidates eating. We don't need to see Obama and his ice cream cone, or Hillary pretending she likes corndogs, or McCain removing his teeth and gumming his Gordita into a soft, water paste. You want to watch a politician shove something into his mouth? Try the airport bathroom.

        New Rule: Leaders of real democracies don't dress like Bond villains. (photo of Putin and Medvedev in leather jackets) Here's Vladimir Putin with his sidekick, Oddjob. I mean Dimitri Medvedev, the new president of Russia. They look like the two oldest guys at a Depeche Mode concert. But, still, I can't wait to read Putin's new memoir, The Audacity of Poisoning Your Enemies With a Radioactive Isotope.

        New Rule: Getting up close and personal with sharks doesn't make you a wildlife enthusiast. It makes you dinner. An Austrian tourist wanted to get face to face with sharks, so he went diving in waters baited with bloody fish parts and he got ate. A friend was asked to describe the man. He needed only two words, "Good chum." I thought that was funny, too. Think about it.

        New Rule: Scientists in Japan have to start working on something other than a lifelike robot they can have sex with. (picture of lifelike woman-robot) It's hard to believe in the early '90s, we actually thought Japanese technology was going to squash us. Now, we realize it was all going to make this woman's face look real when she says, "Oh, you so big, you monster!" Besides, there's an easier way to enjoy pseudo-lifelike, robotic sex. Get married. I…with love, I say that. Exactly.

        New Rule – New Rule: I'm not dying to know what Nicole Richie will do now. I want to know what the hell she ever did before! (Picture of Nicole Richie and baby on the cover of a magazine)

        And finally, New Rule: Politicians must stop saying, "The American people are smarter than that." No, they aren't. If the Bush era has taught us anything, it's that voters want a president carved from their own image. (photo of Bush making funny face) Someone who doesn't like to read will believe anything he's told, and is easily distracted by bright, shiny objects.

        Now, this week, Hillary Clinton got back in the race by fighting back, which is political talk for saying stuff about an opponent that works. When the phone rings at three a.m., Hillary is the experienced military genius I automatically want answering the phone because…why? The only three a.m. emergency call she's ever dealt with was her husband begging her to come down to the police station with five hundred dollars and a pair of pants.

        How is it that in the information age, it's almost impossible to get actual information to the public? That Barack Obama is a Christian, not a Muslim, is not an opinion or a controversy. It's an easily verifiable fact. But, in the darkness of ignorance there are no facts anymore. Evolution is just a theory. Global warming needs more study. Saddam might have been behind 9/11. And the surge is working.

        What can't you convince people of just by saying it? "John McCain is a cyborg. He's a cyborg made from the spare parts of Freddie Mercury and the stem cells of aborted fetuses." There, I said it. It's true. And you know it's true, because when I wrote it on the Internet, I didn't add "LOL."

        You know, it used to be kind of forgivable to not know anything. Maybe you went to high school in America. Or you watch a lot of reality TV, or you're a Baptist. Farai Chideya: You just can't let one get past.

        Bill Maher: But, now there's the Internet and Google. Information is everywhere. You know that computer thing that the Nigerians keep using to get your pin number? You can also use it to find out stuff. If you think Obama is a Muslim, or John McCain has an illegitimate black baby, or Obama is that baby? That's not an opinion. You're just stubbornly uniformed.

        So, let me spell a few things out for you. Is Obama a Muslim. NO HE ISN'T. (words appear at bottom of screen) Was Saddam behind September 11? NO HE WASN'T.

        And while we're at it, NEITHER WAS BUSH. How do we know Bush wasn't behind September 11? Because it worked. And, it involved PLANNING.

      • Joe Scarborough: No, seriously, in the words of Bill Clinton, this is a fairytale. To think that we can get out of Iraq quickly, without having the 20% of the population there, the Sunnis, being slaughtered over night, without Kurds being slaughtered in Northern Iraq by Shia going north – why are you looking at me, is this a shock?

        Bill Maher: What are you talking about, the Kurds will be slaughtered in Northern Iraq?

        Joe Scarborough: Well, they're going to be slaughtered by the Turks who are invading them right now. They'll be slaughtered by the Shia that move north.

        Bill Maher: You know what? All the people who got every prediction wrong about the war when we went in somehow are the people who are making the new predictions that will be equally wrong.

      • Jeremy Scahill: Well, look at how many people have died in Iraq over the past five years. Some estimates say 655,000 to one million, in a five year period...

        Bill Maher: Yeah.

        Jeremy Scahill: ..when Bush is in control.

        Bill Maher: Right. I was just trying to make the point that stupidity can actually kill more people than evil.

      • Bill Maher: (From the monologue) But, look, Bush and McCain, they really are the same guy. I'm sorry, neither one of them is happy enough with the wars we already have – Iraq, Afghanistan – because both of them – I'm not lying about this – are getting tough about talking about Ecuador. I don't know if you followed this, but there's a little pissing match going on in South America between Ecuador and our ally, Colombia. And McCain said, "If Colombia is invaded, we would assist." Because, you know, our troops aren't busy. You know what? Someone needs to tell these guys "An Army of One" is a slogan, not a goal.

      • Jeremy Scahill: There are 150,000 troops in Iraq right now. There are 180,000 contractors. Neither Hillary nor Barack Obama are talking about withdrawing the contractors. That's a shadow army.

      • Bill Maher: The economy now apparently the number one issue, which is not surprising since it's going straight to hell in a hand cart. When George Bush took office, gasoline was $1.42 a gallon. Now it's coming up on $4.00, sometimes over. Mission accomplished, huh?

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