Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 4 Episode 12

May 12, 2006

Aired Friday 10:00 PM May 12, 2006 on HBO
out of 10
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Episode Summary

May 12, 2006
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is live from L.A.
Bill's guest are:

John Gibson (Television talk show host, hosting the weekday edition of The Big Story and The John Gibson Show on Fox News Radio, and covered from time to time for Bill O'Reilly on both The Radio Factor and The O'Reilly Factor)
John Legend (Three-time Grammy winning African-American R&B singer, songwriter, and pianist)
Richard Clarke (Former U.S. government official who specialized in intelligence, cyber security and counter-terrorism)
Madeleine Albright (64th United States Secretary of State. She currently serves as the Mortara Distinguished Professor of Diplomacy at the Edmund A. Walsh School of Foreign Service at Georgetown University)
Cornel West (Prominent African-American scholar and public intellectual. Formerly at Harvard University, West is currently a professor of Religion at Princeton)

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  • Good season, bad ending: The panel was boring (except Albright), Bill's Bush-bashing was tiring to a point of annoyance, and some of the shticks seemed very familiar (out of new material, mate?).moreless

    Bill, we get the "drug is cool" bit, we get the "Bush is a retard, nah I kid the president", and we get the whole Iraqi obsession. It's OK to deal a little more with other issues every now and then. You're turning into a left wing yes-man pundit.

    well, at least we still have South Park for intelligent and original criticism...

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (6)

    • Bill Maher: New Rule: You can't chant "America, you lose," at your trial, and then ask for another chance. Zacarias Moussaioui says he has more faith in juries now, and he wants to change his plea to "not guilty." Sorry, Zac, that's not how we roll here. If we wanted to give second chances to loons who scream death threats, we'd remarry Charlie Sheen.

      New Rule: If turning on my cell phone can bring down your commercial airliner, build a better plane. Right? I mean, the number of people who carry hand-held electrical devices these days equals the number of people who have hands. To give them all veto power over whether the other passengers live or die seems like a flaw in the system.

      New Rule: The head of the CIA should be scary looking. [photo shown of Michael Hayden] I don't care - I don't care that he's a general. I care that he looks like this guy. [photo shown of "Chicken Little"]

      New Rule: Airplane black boxes must now be made out of Keith Richards. The man, who has taken more drugs than Whitney Houston, Rush Limbaugh and Robert Downey, Jr., combined, recently fell out of a tree, and then crashed a jet ski. And yet, somehow, that cigarette never fell out of his mouth. What is this guy still running on? I've got to know. Because I'm beginning to think the future of medicine isn't injecting stem cells, it's injecting heroin.

      And finally, New Rule: George Bush has to stop laughing at himself. When you're incompetence literally costs lives, giggling at it isn't cute or funny. You know, there's a guy who's been running around the country pretending he's the president, and I believe his name is George Bush. And he wants everyone to know that he doesn't take himself too seriously. Which is working out great, because now nobody else in the world does either.

      You know, if the Republicans really want to joke around, I've got one for you. Knock, knock.

      Audience: Who's there?

      Maher: Hillary. Now, this is our last show of the season, and I'm rather proud that we've gone all 13 weeks without once making George Bush the subject of our show-ending editorial. Because I didn't want to start sounding like a broken record. Or, to you kids, a degraded MP3 file. Oh, there may have been a stray George Bush punchline here and there. But, come on. I am a comedian and he is a retard.

      But, f*** it, this is our, this is our last show. This is our last show for a while and I just want to say that when we come back on August 25th, the week of Bill Clinton's 60th birthday, and a great time for him to do the show. Wouldn't you love to see him do the show, folks? Bill Clinton, everywhere I go. So, your move, Mr. President. But when we come back, I hope we're only months away from the beginning of impeachment proceedings.

      But, wait. But not for what you think. Now, of course there is a laundry list of valid reasons for impeaching this president. But George Bush and his nest of vipers don't deserve to be impeached with dignity for transgressions involving lofty affairs of state. They deserve the far worse state that Clinton got: being impeached for absolutely nothing at all!

      And that's why I want to impeach Bush over the fact that he lied about that fish! He said he caught a perch twice as large as any perch that's ever been caught! And that's a lie about a fish! In a time of war! And if he will lie about a fish, then...something, something, something, what do we tell the children? What do we tell Mrs. Paul?! That perch was as American as a McDonald's fish sandwich. Assuming for the sake of argument that a McDonald's fish sandwich contained fish.

      So, Mr. President, don't laugh at yourself, because breaking the law is not cute. Having Americans torture people isn't adorable. Leaving poor people to drown wasn't enchanting. And WMD's wasn't a shaggy dog story. So, I'll make a deal with you. We won't impeach you if you just stay on your estate - I mean "ranch" - and fish on your man-made lake. For perch. Maybe you'll beat your own record.

      But, for the next three years, just don't touch anything. I was wrong when I criticized you for taking too much vacation time. It couldn't be more the reverse. Take all the "me" days you want. But if you get any big ideas and try to do something, you know, like go to Mars or put the Ten Commandments on the flag, or turn the ports over to the Amish, then we're going to have to put you in the only place we can be sure we can be safe from you. And it looks like this. [photo shown of David Blaine's water-filled Plexiglas globe]

      All right, folks. See you back in August. [he picks up flag and kisses it] I love the flag! Any flag. That's our show.

    • Bill Maher: When Bush picks this guy, General Hayden, to be head of the CIA, that actually is what Karl Rove wants. Because they want a battle where they're saying, "We're the Republicans. We're going to protect you at any costs, where the Democrats are for laws and all that pansy bullshit."

    • Richard Clarke: All these conspiracy theories have the two basic problems: one, they believe the government is competent. And two, they believe the government can keep a secret.

    • Cornel West: The sad thing is, you know, when they talk about welfare, they always talk about personal responsibility, personal responsibility. But when it comes to their actions, who takes responsibility? Hardly anybody at all. That's what you call not just moral inconsistency. That's what you call unadulterated hypocrisy.

    • Cornel West: We need more Americans to speak up against homophobia. We've got to defend the gay brothers and the lesbian sisters. It's not just Rove pushing buttons. They could have pushed white supremacist buttons in 1955, but Brother Martin said, 'You know what? We just need Americans to stand up against white supremacy.' Well, we need Americans to stand up against homophobia, openly, consistently, with integrity.

    • Bill Maher: Every Memorial Day I put up, for years, the flag. People do this on Memorial Day. But, you know, the Republicans have sort of taken over the flag, it's in their lapel; I found this one, it's thirteen stars, it's the original flag. (Bill holds up the Betsy Ross flag) I'm going to fly this one to say, "I love my country the way it was founded, not the way it's been taken over. (applause) Ah, so ...
      Cornel West: Ah, brother now, wait, wait a ...
      Bill Maher: If you find a thirteen-star flag, that's what ...
      Cornel West: No no no no no, you've got slavery...
      John Legend: (simultaneously) I don't even, I don't know about the 1776 birth of America ...
      Cornel West:'ve got indigenous peoples, (to John) I'm with you though, brother. You forget the U.S. Constitution...
      Bill Maher: Boy, did I pick the wrong panel to do that with.

  • NOTES (0)