Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 3 Episode 12

May 13, 2005

Aired Friday 10:00 PM May 13, 2005 on HBO
out of 10
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Episode Summary

May 13, 2005
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Guests: Sen. Norm Coleman, talk radio's Al Franken, reporter Liz Marlantes, author Gore Vidal, and basketball's Charles Barkley.

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  • Well done

    This was a good example of the show in my opinion. Unfortunately, it was the last episode of the season, but I'm looking forward to the next season. Everything from the range of topics to the guests chosen, was very good. I was not at all familiar with Liz Marlantes, so it was good to hear from her, although she didn't speak as much as the others.

Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (9)

    • Bill Maher: It is time now for our final New Rules! Of this season.

      New Rule: The next reality show must be called "America's Stupidest State." We'll start at 50, and each week, if your state does something really stupid with, say, evolution or images of the Virgin Mary, you'll move on to the next round. Now, of course, the final five will always end up being Alabama, Utah, Kansas, Texas and Florida. Sorry, Tennessee.

      New Rule: Someone must stop the Cirque du Soleil. If we hate the French so much, how come we gave them Las Vegas? There are now six Cirque du Soleil-related shows on The Strip. Six! Who wants to spend two hours watching a bunch of French chicks fold themselves in half? You know what? Scratch that. New Rule: We need more Cirque du Soleil!

      New Rule: I'm not the cashier! By the time I look up from sliding my card, entering my PIN number, pressing "Enter," verifying the amount, deciding, no, I don't want cash back, and pressing "Enter" again, the kid who is supposed to be ringing me up is standing there eating my Almond Joy. Paper, plastic?! I don't have time for that. I've just been called to do a cleanup on Aisle Nine!

      New Rule: Just because your tattoo has Chinese characters in it doesn't make you spiritual. It's right above the crack of your ass. And it translates to "beef with broccoli." The last time you did anything spiritual, you were praying to God you weren't pregnant. You're not spiritual. You're just high.

      And finally, New Rule: The people in America who are most in favor of the Iraq war must now go there and fight it. The Army missed its recruiting goal by 42% last month. More people joined the Michael Jackson Fan Club. "We've done picked all the low-lying Lynndie England fruit." And now we need warm bodies. We need warm bodies like Paula Abdul needs...warm bodies!

      Now, last week, a Baptist minister in North Carolina told nine members of his congregation that unless they renounced their 2004 vote for John Kerry, they had to leave his church. Well, if we're that certain these days that George Bush is always that right about everything, then going to Iraq to fulfill the glorious leader's vision would seem the least one could do. And, hey, if it makes it any easier for you, just think of it as a reality show: "Fear Factor: Shitting Your Pants Edition." "Survivor: Sunni Triangle." Or maybe it's a video game, "Grand Theft Allah."

      Now, I know you're thinking, but, Bill, I already do my part with the "Support Our Troops" magnet I have on my Chevy Tahoe. How much more can one man give? Well, here's an intriguing economic indicator. It's been over a year since they graduated, but neither of the Bush twins has been able to find work. Why don't they sign up? Do they hate America or just freedom in general?

      And that goes for everybody who helped sell this war. You've got to go first. Brooks and Dunn, drop your cocks and grab your socks! Ann Coulter, darling, trust me, you will love the Army. You think you make up shit!

      Curt Schilling, b-bye! You ended the curse on Boston. Good. Let's try your luck in Fallouja. Oh, and that Republican Baldwin brother, he's got to go so that Ted Nugent has someone to frag.

      But mostly, we have to send Mr. And Mrs. Britney Spears. Because Britney once said, "We should trust our president in every decision that he makes, and we should just support that and be faithful in what happens." Okay, somebody has to die for that. Or at least go. Hey, maybe she'll like it. Hell, she's already knocked up. That'll save the MP unit about ten minutes.

      And think of the spiritual lift it will provide to troops and civilians alike when actual combat smacks the smirk off of Kevin Federline's face and fills his low-hanging trousers with dootie.

      In summation, you cannot advocate for something you wouldn't do yourself. For example, I'm for fuel efficiency, which is why I drive a hybrid car and always take an electric private plane. I'm for legalizing marijuana, and so I smoke a ton of it.

      And I'm for gay marriage, which is - oh, well, you get the points! All right, folks, thank you very much. You're a great crowd. Remember, we're taking a break, but we'll be back August 19th. Until then, "I'm Swiss!," my HBO Special airs July 30th at 10:00. I want to thank my guests, Senator Norm Coleman, Charles Barkley, Al Franken, Liz Marlantes and Gore Vidal. Thank you, folks. Appreciate it.

    • Norm Coleman: If there is some evidence that something was used politically, we should look into it. But in the end, we live in a different world, post-9/11, Bill. And the reality is that we probably err on the side of caution. We can have great discussions about color codes and the nature of alerts, but in the end, I do think we err on the side of caution today.

    • Bill Maher: The thing that I found disturbing about this - and I'm not a conspiracy theorist - is that everybody agrees there were irregularities. And when you say that, the Republicans go, 'Well, shit happens.' Except that all the shit favored Bush. All the shit that happened seemed to favor one guy.

    • Liz Marlantes: One thing that came out of that was that the president was never informed at all about this incident, as you noted earlier. And reporters asked Scott McClellan about this at the briefing, and the response to that was, 'Well, he wasn't informed because we knew he was safe.' And reporters sort of said, 'Well, okay, but what was he doing to make everybody else safe?'

    • Al Franken: Our troops are great, and because of this fraud, because this money wasn't spent to reconstruct the country, but instead was stolen, our guys are dying. That's why this country has descended into chaos. But our Congress won't investigate it, because it's a Republican Congress with a Republican president who is giving money to his pals. And that is - they've got blood on their hands. And they won't look at it. They refuse to look at it. They refuse to look at it. And that is a sin.

    • Gore Vidal: We have to move out, not on. We have no business there... We didn't care before what Iraq became and we don't care now.

    • Al Franken: I love this 'culture of life' stuff that comes out of the Christian right. But do you hear anything about the genocide that's going on in Darfur?

    • Charles Barkley: I think race is such a - it's the greatest counselor of my lifetime, and I think the way the political system is set up in this country, we have taught for blacks and whites and Hispanics not to get along, and the people who got all the power, they've got the best neighborhoods, they've got the best schools, but all the poor people, we've been taught to hate each other, through history, through newspapers, through televisions. And we spend all our time hating each other, and all the people who got all the money, they're living large.

    • Bill Maher: Is it like gay men go into the priesthood because they figure, 'Well, this'll solve my problem. I can't be a homosexual in the priesthood; it'll just go away. Maybe I'll try it with the Republican Party.'

  • NOTES (0)