Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 4 Episode 11

May 5, 2006

Aired Friday 10:00 PM May 05, 2006 on HBO
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Episode Summary

May 5, 2006
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Actor Bradley Whitford, fmr. Canadian PM Kim Campbell, Gen. Wesley Clark, fmr. Gov. James Gilmore, and Sen. Mel Martinez join Bill Maher for a discussion on this past week's news events.

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Trivia, Notes, Quotes and Allusions


  • TRIVIA (0)

  • QUOTES (6)

    • Mel Martinez: People talk about these people being here illegally, and so therefore they broke the law. But you know, we've had a system where everybody has been breaking the law. The government has been looking the other way and the employers are taking advantages of the fairly cheap labor they've had. And so it's a little unfair to thrust all the blame of illegality on the immigrants, because a lot of people have been playing the same game. And now, you know, the fact is that we need to find a way to make the system work and work legally.

    • Kim Campbell: And all of the declarations after 9/11 about all the things that the government was going to do to try and protect Americans, I mean, they haven't been delivered. I mean, the systems are not in place; the ports are not any safer. And I think that that sense that people have, and they're now finally beginning to take on public figures because the press don't seem to be doing it, and the politicians don't seem to be doing it, I think, is a sign that people don't trust, and they can't trust. And the government has not won their trust.

    • Bill Maher: (Talking about FEMA)This agency worked well under Bill Clinton. It didn't work under Bush's father. It didn't work under Bush. And, you know, Republicans always say government doesn't work; it's inefficient. Yeah, the way you do it.

    • Bradley Whitford: There's no conventional military solution to terrorism. If there were Israel would be the safest country in the world.

    • Wesley Clark: It's not that the Democrats don't have a message. We've got lots of messages and we've got lots of messengers. What we don't have is the pure forum to do that when we need to do it.

    • Bill Maher: t's time for New Rules.

      Okay, New Rule: Anna Nicole Smith can't get pregnant until Britney's baby grows up. There are just not enough investigators at Child Family Services to keep these two infants alive at the same time. Anna Nicole, if you're that desperate for a toothless human who can barely speak and cries every time he sees your breasts, find yourself another husband. But that went too far. I love that. After all the things we talked about. But Anna Nicole, that's too far.

      New Rule: Men are supposed to have hair. Norelco has introduced a men's shaver designed to shave all body zones, including armpits and the groin area. Oh, good, just what I've always wanted: hundreds of tiny, vibrating, steel blades on my nutsack. But, go ahead, all you metrosexuals. Shave your pits, trim your groin. And then when you've removed all traces of masculinity, use the handy knife attachment to cut off your penis.

      New Rule: If Latino immigrants want to be taken seriously, they have to stop wearing the giant hats! The civil rights marchers in the fifties didn't dress like Buckwheat and carry watermelons! You're a proud immigrant demanding his rights! Not the Frito-Bandito!

      New Rule: Keep Jesus out of strip clubs. A former dancer from Las Vegas has founded "JC's Girls," a ministry that brings the healing power of the Lord directly to America's strip clubs and adult businesses. Do you people have to ruin everything? You've got the White House, the Congress, the Supreme Court. Can't you leave us heathens a couple of titty bars out by the airport? The only good news a guy wants to hear in a strip club is, "Sure you can touch me there." Or so I've heard.

      And finally, New Rule: If you want to live the American dream, move to Europe. According to a new study, climbing up the economic ladder in this country is much harder than in just about every other wealthy nation. If you're born poor here, you pretty much stay that way. And fat-cat catering Republicans get poor people to vote for them because they get them to vote their dreams, not their self-interests. That's why lots of people of modest means are all for getting rid of the estate tax, a tax which affects one percent of us, the richest one percent of us. You know, the ones with estates.

      A category also familiar by the name, "Not you." You know, America has a lottery mentality. We think we can party till we're 40, fail in business after business, and then somehow wind up as president of the United States.

      Okay, bad example. But our philosophy does come from the lottery. Hey, you never know! Yes, I do. In America, if you're not born rich, you'll die tryin', bitch. Because you're not going to win the lottery. You're not going to inherit a fortune from a distant relative. Or marry a prince. Or get that call from Hollywood saying they're making a movie out of your MySpace page.

      Oh, yeah. According to a recent survey, 98% of college freshman agreed with the statement, "I am sure that one day I will get where I want to be in life." I'm sorry. You have yourself mixed up with the Asian kid.

      You know, I have never understood how Americans can talk so much about dreams, how great it is to have a dream, but make absolutely no judgments about what the dream is! Does it matter that your kids all want to be rockers and rappers and ballers and divas? Watch MTV for a day. You'll see. Your kid's dream is to be on "Cribs," living in a 50-room mansion with a shark tank and a Whitney Houston "crack nook." It's a dream about being able to spend your life pigging out on ego and money and attention in the way only this wonderful business of our allows.

      So, fine. But do we have to admire it? Do we have to treat that dream the same as if it was a dream to teach, or join Doctors Without Borders? Do we have we have to honor our kids for wanting to go from bitches? For wanting to live out an eternal weekend that never turns to Monday, snorting caviar off their Bentleys and air-guitaring their way to the cover of US magazine? Sadly, yes. Or they'll refuse to teach you how to clear the porn trail off your computer.

      So I'm not saying, "Stop dreaming." I'm just saying, "Wake up." Because no one is ever going to give you half-a-billion dollars for sitting around like a lump. They can't. They've already given it to this "bastard." [photo shown of Lee Raymond]

      All right. That's our show. I want to thank James Gilmore, Bradley Whitford, Kim Campbell, Senator Mel Martinez and General Wesley Clark. And you. Thank you very much, folks.

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