Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 3 Episode 11

May 6, 2005

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM May 06, 2005 on HBO
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May 6, 2005
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
Guests: Former Sec. of State Madeleine Albright, blogger Andrew Sullivan, former Canadian PM Kim Campbell, actor Michael McKean, and Rep. Bernie Sanders.

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    • QUOTES (9)

      • Bill Maher: All right. Thank you very much. Let's go to "New Rules," everybody.

        New Rule: This year, instead of running a new Kentucky Derby, Kentucky must just show an old one. No one will know the difference. They've been showing the same NASCAR race since 1994, and no one seems to mind.

        New Rule: The more complicated the Starbucks order, the bigger the asshole. If you walk into a Starbucks and order a "decaf grande half-soy, half-lowfat, iced vanilla, double-shot, gingerbread cappuccino, extra dry, light ice, with one Sweet-n'-Low and one NutraSweet," ooh, you're a huge asshole.

        Andrew Sullivan: And then you pay by credit card, right?

        Bill Maher: Yeah, that's right. If you're this much of a control freak about coffee, you must be really unbearable when it comes to something important like...a Danish.

        New Rule: [insert photo of Tom Cruise and Katie Holmes] Dating a self-proclaimed "26-year-old virgin" is probably not the best way to stifle the gay rumors. You're a big star. You can have any woman you want, and you pick the one actress in town who doesn't put out? I thought Scientology was supposed to clear your mind.

        New Rule: Your hamburger can't be bigger than your ass. Denny's Beer Barrel Pub in Clearfield, Pennsylvania, is offering a new burger that weighs 15 pounds! One sign your portions may be too large: if one of the health risks is a back injury.

        And finally, New Rule: Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding. She's crazy if she wants to spend the rest of her life servicing this goober. Now, last week when I heard that a young bride-to-be had gone missing on a jog days before her wedding, I had the same thought everyone else did: Man, that Scott Peterson is good!

        Now, Americans this week have acted like the so-called "runaway bride" is crazy for skipping town rather than marrying a Sunday school teacher in Duluth, Georgia. Ah, yes, the good life: the bake sales, the prayer meetings, the abortion protests, who could just walk away from all that? How come when the girl from "Titanic" ditches her fiance, it's the greatest romance of all time, but when Jennifer Wilbanks does it, she's a "criminal loon with a case of temporary insanity"?

        Temporany sanity is more like it. She was staring down the barrel of 14 bridesmaids and 600 guests in the Georgia heat watching a Baptist in a blue suit sanctify her sex life with Welch's grape juice and a reading from The Purpose-Driven Life. Suddenly, Greyhound to Vegas looked pretty good!

        Jennifer, I applaud your rugged individualism. You eloped with yourself. And to Vegas! Baby, that's money! I mean, what happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. Whereas, the woman who marries in Georgia...stays in Georgia.

        Jen, you're a free spirit, I can tell. Something inside you snapped and rebelled at the idea of living in a persistent vegetative state. Which is why tonight I'd like to offer you an open invitation to come on out here. We'll even send you the $118 bus fare. First class, right behind the driver. Come on! Come on all the way over to the dark side. You can stay in my hot tub until you get back on your feet.

        You're crazy and you don't care about anyone's feelings but your own. You belong in Hollywood! You're a reality show waiting to happen! Plus, there's a lot of eligible bachelors here. Pat O'Brien's available. I can introduce you. Plus, I've got some stuff that you can smoke that might alleviate some of that pressure behind your eyeballs.

        And one more thing. Don't worry about that fiance of yours. Believe me, by the time I'm finished with you, he won't want you back.

        Happy Mother's Day, Mom!

        All right, that is our show. I want to thank my guest, former Secretary of State Madeleine Albright, Bernie Sanders, Andrew Sullivan, Prime Minister Kim Campbell and Michael McKean. Good night, folks! Good job. Thank you.

      • Bill Maher: Don't say a woman is crazy just because she runs away from her wedding.

      • Madeleine Albright: If I were Kim Jong Il, I would read the message of Iraq to be, if you don't have nuclear weapons, you get invaded, and if you do have nuclear weapons, you don't get invaded. Because we didn't invade the Soviet Union and China. So I think we're sending the wrong messages and doing nothing to really prevent a very, very dangerous situation.

      • Bill Maher: Let me read a quote from Kim Jong Il. He said this just the other day, I think. He's talking about President Bush, and he said, 'He is a half-baked man in terms of morality and a Philistene whom we can never deal with. His remarks often stun audiences as they reveal his utter ignorance.' Now, if the Democrats had had the guts to talk about Bush like that, wouldn't we now be dealing with President Kerry?

      • Andrew Sullivan: 'The culture of life,' I might say, is a phrase invented by the last pope. And what it meant was, you're opposed to death, in the death penalty, in war, in euthanasia and abortion. The Republicans decide, 'Oh, we're a cafeteria. We'll take the abortion and euthanasia but we will launch wars' and we will - I mean, George Bush has signed more death warrants than any other human being in this country.

      • Andrew Sullivan: The reason, Bill, is that, as a lunatic, he controls a huge amount of the base of the Republican Party. And therefore, he has a huge amount of power. And therefore, he's important. And that's why we have to listen to this lunacy on national television.

      • Kim Campbell: The courts have to overthrow legislation, because governments continue to breach constitutions. That's why you have a judicial branch to be umpires, to say when governments go too far. That's why you need judges who can't be fired!

      • Bernie Sanders: What we're seeing is a growth of intolerance. We're seeing an abuse of power. And one of the issues that really concerns me is that we're seeing more and more censorship in America on the media, and a real curtailing of freedom of debate. We see that on the floor of the House. You're seeing that in the media.

      • Bill Maher: He sent a letter in 2001, to every bishop at every church around the world, saying, 'If there is an allegation of abuse against a kid, investigate it within the church. Keep it secret. Don't go to the police.' Now, in this country, we call that obstruction of justice. If he wasn't the pope, wouldn't he - or at least shouldn't he be arrested?

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