Bill Maher: All right, I've got to go to New Rules. Thank you, panel, you were terrific. And here we go. New Rules!
New Rule: Stop hassling me about my Halloween costume. [photo of Maher in Dead Steve Irwin costume] Yes, you've seen it on the Internet. I went as the Crocodile Hunter with the bloody stinger in my chest. Because people who really love animals understand that if you get killed by one, chances are you were doing something to it you shouldn't have been. You want me to apologize for making a joke? Who do you think I am? John Kerry?
New Rule: You can't write your autobiography if you haven't done anything. Kevin Federline says he's going to write the story of his life before Britney. Great. Three hundred pages of a guy smoking weed and playing X-Box. Look out, Tom Wolfe. I guess, now that K-Fed has conquered the music world, he wants to see if he can get booed off stage at a book signing. A spokesman for the letter "J" said, "If this book is published, the alphabet will sue for slander."
New Rule: No more public marriage proposals. When you hire a skywriting plane, or propose to your girlfriend at a ballgame, every unmarried woman is looking at her man like, "Well..." And you're not helping the married men, either, whose wives are remembering how they proposed to them in flip-flops, cargo shorts and a "Who Farted?" tee-shirt. By saying, "What the hell, I'm going bald anyway."
New Rule: Stop repackaging old crap and trying to pawn it off as something new. Disney has released a two-disc platinum edition of "The Little Mermaid," digitally restored, because who could make out what's happening in the original, black-and-white kinescope? This shameless hyping of previously-released material, now with additional content, is the very kind of thing I should have lampooned in New Rules: Polite Musings from a Timid Observer, now available in paperback.
And finally - oh, and Jack, you might want to take notes to rebut this - I brought a pen and paper for you - [he hands Jack Kingston a pen and pad]
Jack Kingston: I'm on the case.
Bill Maher: And if you can't, because we end the show on this, when we get - after - when the show closes, we go to our HBO.com. We will let you have the first word.
But finally, New Rule: Controlling Congress is for closers. Listen up, Democrats, it's as simple as A-B-C. "Always Be Closing." First prize: subpoena power in the new Congress. Second prize: set of steak knives. Third prize: you're fired. The election is four days away and I'm through dicking around with you.
Here are the leads. Here are your talking points.
One: when they say Democrats will raise taxes, you say, "We have to because someone spent all the money in the world cutting Paris Hilton's taxes and not killing Osama bin Laden."
In just six years, the national debt has doubled. You can't keep spending money you don't take in. That's not even elementary economics. That's just called, "Don't be Michael Jackson."
Two: When they say the terrorists want the Democrats to win, you say, "Are you insane? George Bush has been a terrorist's wet dream." He inflames radical hatred against America and then runs on offering to protect us from it. It's like a guy throwing shit on you and then selling you relief from the flies.
Three: When they say, "Cut and Run" or "Defeat-ocrat," you say, "Bush lost the war. Period." All this nonsense - this nonsense about "the violence is getting worse over there because they're trying to influence the election"; no, it's getting worse because you drew up the postwar plans on the back of a cocktail napkin at Applebee's.
And of course Democrats want to win. But that's impossible now that you've ethnically-cleansed the place by making it unlivable. Just like you did with New Orleans.
Four: When they say that actual combat veterans like John Kerry are denigrating the troops, you say, "You're completely full of sh!t." Remember when Al Gore caught all that flak for sighing and moaning during that debate? Yeah, don't do that. Just say, "You're full of sh!t." If I was a troop, the support I would want back home would mainly come in the form of people pressuring Washington to get me out of this pointless nightmare! That's how I would feel supported.
So when they say, "Democrats are obstructionists," you say, "You're welcome." Sometimes, good people have to intercede to prevent dire consequences. You wouldn't like to think of me as an obstructionist, but what if Roseanne had offered to sing?
So I would be happy to frame this debate as a fight between the obstructionists and the enablers. There's your talking point. Vote Republican, and you vote to enable George Bush to keep ruling as an emperor. A retarded, child emperor-but an emperor.
So, Democrats, you've got four days to get out there and close! And it's not about slogans this time. Although, when it comes to slogans, the only one I'm prepared to accept from the opposition is, "The Republican Party: We're Sorry."
Alec Baldwin: When you talk about private contractors, I've always been someone who felt that defense fraud was tantamount to treason.
Robert Greenwald: The worst of it that what we've been doing is we've been taking large parts of our military operation, and this administration has been turning them over to for-profit corporations, for-profit corporations whose only goal is making more and more money; and they're going over there; they're making our troops less safe; they're hurting the Iraqi people. And as a result, all of us are in greater danger.
Bill Maher: This week George Bush said that Cheney and Rumsfeld are doing a fantastic job. And that he is - quote - 'pleased with the progress we're making in Iraq.' I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but I think we have another president with Alzheimer's Disease.
January 27, 2000
George W. Bush: I know how hard it is for you to put food on your family.
September 6, 2004
George W. Bush: Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB-GYNS aren't able to practice their love with women all across this country.
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