Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 3 Episode 23

November 4, 2005

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Aired Friday 10:00 PM Nov 04, 2005 on HBO
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November 4, 2005
AIRED:
Rated: TV-MA for Adult Content (AC) and Adult Language (AL)
Tonight's episode is Live from L.A.
For the 2005 season finale Bill Maher welcomed guests fmr. President of Ireland Mary Robinson, talk show host Joe Scarborough, filmmaker John Waters, fmr. Sen. Tom Daschle, and Dr. Sanjay Gupta.

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    • QUOTES (7)

      • Bill Maher: It's time for New Rules, everybody. New Rules.

        Okay, New Rule: Pizza joints must stop hanging pictures of Z-level celebrities on their walls. It doesn't impress me that 12 years ago, "21 Jump Street's" Richard Grieco stopped in for a slice. Especially since he's working there now. Cruel. Poor Richard. Give him a job, somebody!

        New Rule: If your people are so desperate mannequins make them horny, there's something wrong with your religion. This week, police in Iran confiscated 65 mannequins for being too sexy. Guys, I'm sorry, but it's the mannequins that are supposed to have the sticks up their asses. In the free West, we don't have impure thoughts about inert hunks of tit-shaped plastic. We have Britney Spears. That got them. That was too outrageous.

        New Rule: I'm not impressed by what college your kid is going to. George Bush went to Yale. The End. Besides, these days, kids only learn about two things in college: drugs and bisexuality. And you don't need to send them to college for that. You can send them to my house.

        And in honor of the president's trip to South America, New Rule: You can't wear a Che Guevara tee-shirt with your designer jeans unless you're trying to be ironic. One is a symbol for impoverished workers. The other was sewn by them. You want to support the poor people in Latin America? Buy more coke.

        New Rule: Condoms are not sex toys. Trojan has released a new line of condoms that vibrate and heat up. Look, condoms keep people from getting AIDS and the clap. Haven't they done enough? You want to improve condoms? Invent a wrapper guys can open before they lose their hard-on.

        And finally, New Rule: President Bush's new Supreme Court nominee, Samuel Alito, must bomb an abortion clinic. I know it sounds crazy, but the right wing needs assurance that they've really got their holy man this time. We can't let the swing vote on the Supreme Court just wind up in the hands of some level-headed legal pussy.

        Is Sam Alito a decent man with Christian values? Well, until he kills a nurse with a pipe bomb, there's no way to be sure. Because there is nothing you can say to a real conservative to convince him abortion should ever be acceptable other than, "Your daughter is pregnant and the father is black."

        Now, with all the hubbub lately about qualifications and constitutional law, it's sometimes easy to forget why our founding fathers created a judicial branch in the first place: to punish hussies by saddling them with the mewling, drooling reminder of their sin.

        But here's where overturning Roe v. Wade could actually turn out to be the best thing for the Democrats. Because if you want to create more liberal voters, don't scare them with the possibility of terrorism. Scare them with the possibility of parenthood. Because voters nowadays are all about the issues that affect "me." They need to see how Bush's f***-ups affect them personally.

        I mean, think about it. Other than the war in Iraq, the Katrina disaster, the deficit, the CIA leak, torture, stopping stem cell research, homeland security, global warming and undercutting science, we've yet to really feel the negative effects of the Bush administration.

        But you know what voting block had the lowest voter turnout in the last election? Young, unmarried women. And you know who'll be the most affected if they overturn Roe v. Wade? Kobe Bryant. But, after him, young women. Come on. You're living in South Carolina and you need an abortion. You're going to get on a bus and head to New York. Maybe next time you'll think twice about letting your older brother tuck you in.

        Because, overturning Roe v. Wade won't make abortion illegal. The choice to allow it will just be returned to the states. In all likelihood, the blue states. The rest of you will have to make a weekend of it. Tourism, ka-ching!

        Every state will have a new motto: Massachusetts: "Where the country was born, but your baby wasn't." "What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas. No, seriously!"

        And of course, California: "I just got an abortion and now I'm going to Disneyland!" All right, that's our show. Thank you for a wonderful season. Thank you for my great guests: the honorable Mary Robinson, John Waters, Joe Scarborough, Dr. Sanjay Gupta, Tom Daschle. We'll see you in February. Thank you, folks.

      • Bill Maher: A president can be unpopular for good reasons. You know, I'm not always on the side that the people are right, for God's sake. But, you know, he's not popular when he goes overseas. He couldn't go to Rosa Parks' funeral.

      • On Rosa Parks' funeral and President Bush:
        John Waters: Getting booed at a funeral is the worst review you can get.

      • Bill Maher: To go into this endeavor in Iraq with the idea of, we're going to change the hearts and minds of the Arabs - and I've said this many times to this panel - this could work. It's not the worst idea I've ever heard. And the idea that we're trying to do something long-range, I do admire. However, to go in with this idea of saying to the Muslim people, "Wouldn't you like to be more like us?"

      • Bill Maher: People on the right say to people like me, "Oh, you hate America." And I always say, "No, I love America. I want it back. I don't want you representing it. I don't want torture representing it." If I hated it, I'd be okay with being represented by the torturers.

      • Mary Robinson: America has a huge legacy of human rights, and gave great leadership. And I want America to give that leadership again.

      • Joe Scarborough: The fact that you've got Republicans now in charge of national security, and they are outing a covert agent at a time of war, it's just inexcusable. And those Republicans that support that, they're the Republicans that, quite frankly, are just interested in power and not interested in the things that they said they were going to do when they came to power.

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