Real Time With Bill Maher

Season 5 Episode 22

October 19, 2007

Aired Friday 10:00 PM Oct 19, 2007 on HBO



  • Trivia

    • During the show, Maher kicked out many 9/11 conspiracy hecklers, who disturbing the conversation between the guests. On numerous of occasions, he has criticized the 9/11 conspiracies.

  • Quotes

    • Bill Maher: New Rule: I don't want to fly on a bus. [slide of Airbus jet] That's why people pay more money to fly! So they don't have to take a bus. And I don't care that it's huge, because I've never once gotten on a flight and thought, boy, I wish there were more people on this plane.

      New Rule: If your brain is as little as Donald Trump's, and your ass is as wide--you shouldn't call your book, Think Big and Kick Ass. It's like Rush Limbaugh writing a book called Be Polite and Don't Make Shit Up.

      New Rule: Don't pretend we have a defense against aliens. When a child asked Rudy Giuliani what would happen if aliens attacked, he said, "We'll be prepared for that." And then he announced the latest member of his foreign policy team: ALF. You know, Rudy, I know you want to be the big protector, but we have enough trouble with the Sunnis, let alone the Klingons. Unless we get really lucky, and the one substance that can kill them is high-fructose corn syrup.

      Oh, and by the way, we've already been invaded by aliens. Surely, you've seen them with their large heads, giant eyes and skinny bodies. I mean, they're everywhere. [slide of Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan and two other female celebrities all wearing oversized sunglasses]

      New Rule: Stop pretending that air fresheners actually freshen the air. Americans are a paradox. We're the nation most obsessed with smelling pleasant, while at the same time, we eat crap that makes our bodies emit clouds of toxic gas. Here's a hint. When you fart and your canary dies, you have a problem that's beyond the capabilities of the Airwick Corporation.

      And finally, New Rule: If the choice in '08 is between Rudy and Hillary, "values voters" must do the Christian thing and choose Hillary. Of course, I think all religion is nuts, but at least she practices it the way Jesus suggested: privately. Like a Dick Cheney energy meeting.

      Plus, she's raised an admirable daughter, while Rudy's kids couldn't hate him more if they were New York City firefighters.

      And let's not forget, Hillary didn't commit adultery. Her husband did. And afterwards, she did the Christian thing and forgave him. And then she had a GPS unit implanted in his penis. But the important thing is, she forgave him!

      Now, I bring all this up because this weekend in Washington is the "Values Voters Convention." Three days of peace, love and hypocrisy. Where the Republican frontrunners will spend the week kissing the asses of 2,000 social conservatives who despise liberals, homosexuals, Muslims, Mexicans and Nobel Prize winners. And who believe the sound of a condom wrapper being opened makes angels die.

      It's kind of like a "Star Trek" convention, only the virgins are angry--and they think outer space is just a theory. So, Ann Coulter, if you've got any more "f@ggot" jokes, this is the room for you.

      But - but, here's something I learned while indulging one of my traditional values, reading. According to the U.S. Census Bureau, the states with the most conservative Christians have the highest rates of divorce, the highest teen pregnancy rates and the highest obesity levels. Yes, they're fat, knocked up and not talking to each other--but, at least they put homosexuality back where it belongs: in the airport men's room.

      Now, I know what you "values voters" are saying right now: "Why would we listen to you, Bill Maher? You're a bachelor from heathen California. What do you know about family values?" Well, I know enough not to get married and live in Kansas.

      And I know that if you can look at the war in Iraq, the melting environments and the descent of America into "idiocracy," and still think our biggest problems are boobies during the Super Bowl and the "war on Christmas," then you don't have values, you have issues.

      If you had "values," you'd draw the line at torture. But a startling number of people who call themselves Christians don't. And I'm pretty sure if you asked, "What would Jesus veto," it wouldn't be health care for sick kids.

      Why, it's almost like "values voters" don't really believe Jesus was right about anything. [in mock attack ad voice] "Jesus Christ: wrong on gays, wrong on taxes, wrong on torture, and wrong for America."

    • Sheila Jackson Lee: I want to call a military success. I want to thank the soldiers for the job they've done. They completed their mission, and I want them to come home with ribbons and banners and I want to celebrate. We're not cutting and running. We're acknowledging that the soldiers did their job, the military job. You know, the basic job. They went into Iraq. They got rid of Saddam Hussein, and he went off in the sunset. But, the point is, is that they did their jobs and the political folk have got to find a resolution. The Iraqis got to find a solution. The leadership of Iraq has to find a solution. But the soldiers need to come home.

    • Bill Maher: It's fighting the last war. You know, for the Republican side who are so fond of their candidates because they're the ones who are going to protect us, the idea that you use an army against an enemy that doesn't have an army is not liberal or conservative. It's just stupid.

    • John Edwards: It's very troublesome. I mean, you've got Bush and Cheney rattling their saber about Iran. It sounds very similar to what we heard on Iraq. And they want to declare the Iranian Revolutionary Guard a terrorist organization. Some good people who are running for president: Senator Biden, Senator Dodd, voted no. Senator Clinton voted yes. I strongly disagree with it. I think we can't give this president an inch when it comes to something like war.

  • Notes

  • Allusions